Round Two

So, now the horrendous post about my brother is out of the way I can finally get on with telling you what we've been up to earlier his year! If you follow me on twitter as well you'll already know some of this, so apologies, but I always find it quite therapeutic to actually get it all down in writing in more detail than twitter's 50 character limit will allow.

The last post I actually wrote about infertility is here, we had one frosty that we weren't sure what to do with and a friend that had kindly offered to give us about 70% of the money we'd need to do a second round. But did we want to do a second round? We went back and forth on this a lot after what had happened during our first round, would the same thing happen again? 

Eventually we decided to go ahead with it, but more for closure. We didn't expect it to work. Having said that there is, of course, always hope. Sometimes I wish there wasn't, but it is always there. When I say that this round was more for closure, I sincerely hope it doesn't sound callous or insensitive to anyone who is struggling to afford a second round or is just struggling with IVF in general. I know how lucky we were to get another round, we genuinely didn't think we would and were only able to since a friend of mine gave us a not insignificant amount of money. We weren't eligible for any rounds on the NHS and took a bank loan for the first round, which we're still paying back, so genuinely thought that our first round was our only shot. But we have been granted another chance. For us however it is not a chance to get pregnant, most (!) of me really doesn't think that will happen, it's a chance to answer the final niggling questions that we have about why things don't work. Haven't worked, won't ever work.

So, April this year we went off on the rollercoaster again - morning injections, frequent internal scans. Fun fun fun. I had a different drug in the 'pen' this time though and didn't get the pain that led hubby to take me to A&E the first time round. I have no idea if that's just a coincidence or if my body is just used to this shit now but there you go. I didn't quite follow the same pattern as the first round, although the clinic were happy with what they saw at every scan. The day I went in for a scan, on what was the equivalent in my first round of booking the trigger shot, they decided that my follicles weren't doing as well as they would have liked and so prescribed me more drugs for the trigger to be four days later. That didn't sit well with work but hey, needs must and work were very understanding about it all.

The retrieval operation did not go as well this time round for many reasons. First and foremost, due to Covid, hubby had to leave me before I went into theatre and he wasn't there when I came round afterwards. When I did come round I was in a lot of pain, far more than I had been first time round, and I hated that he wasn't there. They wouldn't bring him down until they'd done some more checks on me, I eventually found out that there had been some complications. I'd bled a lot from the vaginal incision so they had to fix that, plus there had been an issue with one of my ovaries. They had found a chocolate cyst which they'd also had to deal with. At least that all explained the extra pain! They'd had to put antibiotics through my canular as well as the sedative during the procedure and once I said how much pain I was in they also put some liquid paracetamol through it. That didn't work either so I was given some co-codamol tablets. 

By then I was stable so we were given the news. In our first round they'd got 20 eggs out of me (20!! Still astounded at the number despite how things turned out) but this time there were only six. Six. That seemed like a kick in the teeth, we'd gone through it all again for a lousy six eggs. Now, this of course was not my first rodeo so I know it's actually all about how many were mature and how many fertilised rather than how many were retrieved in the first place. Nevertheless, it didn't feel like a good place to be starting at when I compared it to our first round. 

As it turned out, it really was quality not quantity - of the six collected, all six were mature and five fertilised. So that put us on a much better footing! Nine fertilised from our first round so we were really hopeful that this time we might actually end up with something. Despite having to continuously remind myself of the reasons we were doing this - for closure, for answers. It wasn't going to work, remember?!

And it didn't. Of the five that fertilised only two made it to blastocyst and they failed the same tests the ones from the first round had - not suitable for transfer. So that was that. Except that, if you recall, one of our blastos from the first round hadn't failed but had come back as a 'no result'. Did we risk a transfer? We went back and forth on this one a lot. But at the end of the day we decided to take a punt, we decided that we'd always be asking ourselves 'what if' if we didn't. So, five months after starting drugs for our second round of IVF I started the drugs to prepare for transfer. Hormone patches, more injections and pessaries. All the fun of the fair.

The patches were annoying, they didn't stick and frequently came off in the shower. Cue panic that I wasn't getting the hormones in my system. The first injections, Fyremadel, were the same as the second injections from a normal IVF round (i.e. to stop me ovulating) so that was fine - well, as fine as these things ever are. However the injections that I then switched to for the second week were more problematic. We were given a small vial, a tube and two sets of needles. You needed attach a needle to the tube, draw the liquid from the vial (which I was rubbish at but hubby proved very adept) and then inject it. Trouble is, they didn't tell me there were two different needles for this process. A very large and very thick needle to draw up the liquid, then a very small and very thin needle to then inject. The first time I did this I injected with the larger needle which was just BEYOND painful. We only found the second smaller needles on the second day and suddenly it all made sense. So, injection fun plus patches fun. Oh! And twice daily pessaries. Mustn't forget them. You can see in this pic the size of the needles (the green ones are the larger ones that I incorrectly used to inject myself initially):

All of the scans I had throughout this process were fine, lining way above what they were looking for and where it needed to be so all systems go. Transfer was all booked, paperwork filled out and hoops jumped through. It was finally going to happen, I was ACTUALLY going to be pregnant!!!! Now, please don't get me wrong - I was fully prepared for the test you have to take two weeks later to be negative. Genuinely I was, but for two glorious weeks I would be properly really actually (albeit technically......) pregnant. 

However it was not to be. The morning that transfer was booked for, when hubby was already on his way into town and I was half an hour away from leaving work the clinic called. Our little embryo hadn't survived the thawing process and so that was it. They were that heartless about it too, the empathy of their embryologists really does leave a lot to be desired but that's another conversation. I was heartbroken, of all the 'it's not going to work' scenarios I'd gone through in my head this wasn't one of them. I'd always assumed the transfer would happen and it would just fail at some point after that - the two-week-later test would be negative or, even if it was positive, I'd lose it before 12 weeks. I had never even considered that the transfer wouldn't actually happen. 

I tried to ask if we could try with one of the other embryos we had, I knew they were all technically unviable but I'd taken all the drugs and we had a slot in theatre so surely there was something that could be done?! The embryologist didn't know what to do with me so said one of the consultants would call me back. Once that phone call was over I desperately tried to get hold of hubby but he was on the tube. I left so many missed calls that he phoned me as soon as he was above ground, before the consultant had called me back. He was equally heartbroken but when he found out how the news had been broken to me he got angry - he wanted to go round there (I was still at work but he was ten minutes' walk from the clinic) and talk to someone. I told him not to just as the consultant called so I hung up on him with a promise to call straight back and took the other call. 

The consultant was far more measured and far more apologetic. She at least said she couldn't believe this had happened after all we'd been through and she was so sorry. I asked about another embryo, and she explained that it just wasn't possible. HFEA rules state that the remainder of our embryos could not be transferred due to the results of the tests that they had undergone, it really was game over. I hung up in tears and called hubby back to explain. He cried. I just wanted to hug him. I told him I was going to leave work so he got the tube over and I said I'd meet him by the station nearest work.

I picked up my bag and coat and went to my boss' office. I walked in, told him in tears that I was going home (it was 10.30am at this point) and he, knowing our history although not knowing about the transfer, just looked at me and said 'oh no, what's happened?'. I told him everything, we hadn't told anyone (not even parents) that we were going for the transfer as we hadn't wanted to get hopes up so he was technically the first person I told. He was lovely. I left before 11am, met hubby and we went to get very very drunk. We'd reassess things further down the line but at that moment booze is what was needed.

This had all taken place on a Friday and the following day, as fate would have it, we had to go to eldest nephew's birthday party. The same nephew who's birthday party the previous year had started the situation that I now find myself in with my brother. As you can imagine, that was exactly where I wanted to be. As fate would have it, my parents were late so when they arrived we went out to meet them in the car park to tell them. My brother happened to be there at the same time and when hubby said he had something to tell them I believe my brother's exact words were 'I don't need to hear this'. To which hubby, to give him credit, just looked at him and said 'yes you do'. After he'd told them all of the events of the day before my brother just walked off, looked like he couldn't care less. And I hate that that bothers me. I shouldn't have been surprised, but there you go. Mum and dad didn't really take it in as they were surrounded by sister-in-law's family and the kids a few minutes later but at least the news was out there. 

We went over the hubby's parents that evening and told them, the following weekend we spent more time with my parents and went through it properly. But it was all so horrible. I went into work on the Monday as I was sure I'd be fine, I had things to do and needed the distraction. But I couldn't concentrate. Couldn't stop the tears from coming. I was sent home at 3pm, I didn't go back that week. I did a little work from home towards the end of the week but that was it.

I spent a lot of that week at home just crying. It was over. My eyes were so sore but still the tears came, I will never be pregnant. I will never have a child of my own. This is it. The pain was too much. I still had marks on my legs from the patches:

I couldn't scratch them off, no matter how hard I tried they wouldn't go away. Hubby caught me trying to peel the skin off my legs to try and get rid of the marks. Permanent reminders of what had happened. I couldn't deal with it. 

The next week the UK government announced changes to the international travel rules and we started to look at holidays. Two weeks later we booked our break. The sunshine did wonders for my skin and the marks that had been on my legs finally disappeared. We've realised we don't have to go through our local council for adoption, that there are other agencies we can use so that route has opened up again. Hopefully. We'll look at it next year. For now we just need time to grieve, to heal. Although, to be honest, I'm not convinced I'll ever fully heal from this.

    

Fractious Families - And so it continues........ FOURTH AND (hopefully) FINAL

***WARNING - this post is going to be very VERY long***

This is the longest gap between blogs that I have ever left, it's the first post I have published this year. Every time I have come to write this I haven't been able to do it, there has been anger and tears and I've had to step away. But there are other things that I need to blog about so I need to get through this, close this chapter, put it behind me. So here we go. 

(this follows on from this post, which may or may not be useful to read. And, as ever, this is an anonymous blog so I've changed names used to titles as I have done for previous exchanges but I hope it doesn't deflect from reading it)

If you have read my last blog from November, you'll know that I had finally decided to stand up to my brother after years of him treating me badly and it hadn't exactly gone well. His essay of a response was quite something and is the subject of that last blogpost. Before I replied to that essay he'd sent me, I posted a parcel of Halloween sweets to his children. It was the end of October and Covid restrictions in the UK had just been changed so I knew I wouldn't be able to see them over the half term holiday when Halloween fell. I'd done exactly the same for my goddaughter and didn't think anything of it, as far as I was concerned it was just a nice thing to do. I get the following from my brother the day the parcel arrives:

HIM

Your parcel arrived today. Without any pre-meditated agenda, what were your thoughts in sending them it?

I didn't reply. I didn't appreciate the tone of the message and whenever I get a message from him my heart races a little faster, my hackles go up and I can feel my chest tightening. I have to step away, which is what I did. Five days later I ignored the message about the sweets and I replied directly to his essay from the week before:

ME

'I’m not expecting a reply to this, in fact I don't want one'. But what if I want to reply? This is an example of your controlling behaviour and domineering personality that I mentioned.

If one of the kids became unwell we’d know what to do, of course we would. Just because we don’t have children of our own doesn’t mean we don’t know what to do when things happen. Likewise if they have a strop we’d deal with it. There was a time at Center Parcs last summer when YOUNGEST NEPHEW got himself into a tizz and neither you nor YOUR WIFE were around. Mum was but he chose to come to me, we talked and I calmed him down. He stopped crying and we had a long cuddle. How will you know what we'll be like with them if you never trust us to be with them?

You’ve missed my points on numerous occasions but, as you said, I’ll end this here before I say something I regret.

I didn't ask for an apology. I just wanted an acknowledgement that it’s not as simple as thinking I’m the bad guy, maybe there’s a reason I come across that way. But I meant what I said, I love you desperately and I really do wish you were in my life more and not less. I find it incredibly sad that this is how things have turned out.

We’re still free all weekend, it would be great to sort a video call with the kids please if you’re around.

HIM

I’m not being controlling in the slightest, I’m just giving you my opinion. You have a really strange outlook on what’s said and take a lot of it completely the wrong way.

You haven’t even answered my questions above. Sending them sweets when we haven’t sorted it out between us in the slightest looks as if you’re trying to buy them.

There are unresolved issues here that need sorting before we even think of meeting up. Once again it’s like nothing has happened.

ME

We were always going to buy them Halloween sweets. Once London moved to tier two we knew we wouldn't be able to see them so I posted them instead. I did the same for my goddaughter, there is no intention whatsoever to ‘buy’ them and I think it’s funny to suggest that. Nothing could be further from our minds. I’m acting like nothing has happened because I just want to move on and put it behind us but I don’t think you can, I think our text conversation has shown that these issues can’t be resolved. I’m sorry but I just don’t think they can be. We’re too far apart and I think we’re better off moving past them as we’re never going to agree. Ever. All we’ll do is go round in circles and keep arguing, that isn’t good for either of us and solves nothing. If you want to stop us seeing the kids because of that then I think that’s a shame but it’s up to you.

HIM

I’m not angry with you MY NAME, I’ve not got the time or the energy for that. I just don’t agree with a lot you’ve said and found you calling me a ‘bully’ very over the top and quite nasty. I’m not going to stop you seeing the kids, like I said before, we’re not evil. We’re just waiting for an apology for how ELDEST NEPHEW’s birthday was handled and to see some form of change as described with the kids. Acting like nothing has happened is not the answer. I have too much going on at the moment to continue with this, I have said my peace. I’m not just arranging meeting up if nothing is resolved. The grandparents have the kids Christmas lists, I will send them on once they finished getting their bits. And before you say anything the grandparents will always get first choice no matter what is going on or what has happened.

So much to unpick in that. But I'm guessing you're all decent 'normal' human beings so you don't need me to point it out. He's still being controlling, we're still treated as second best. I don't mind the grandparents getting the lists first, of course I don't, but as I had said in previous messages to him they always buy everything (and I mean everything.......) on the lists every single year. No one thinks 'we need to save something' for me and hubby to get them. And the reaction to me having sent them some sweets. Oh for heaven's sake!! If I'd wanted to 'buy' them I would have sent them mobile phones, large amounts of money, expensive gadgets/clothes or games consoles. I would not have sent them a pile of sweets from Britain's most middle class supermarket. Needless to say I had no idea how my little parcel went down with the kids and I did not get a thank you.

Which got me to thinking, I'm being punished for not living the life he wants me to. I have no doubt whatsoever that, regardless of the relationship between the two of us, if hubby and I had had children we would get phone calls saying 'we're doing this with the kids do you want to come along?' as he'd want all the cousins to play together. My future didn't turn out how HE wanted to and HE doesn't like it. Now I've finally taken control of the situation after five years (might even be longer, I've lost count) and he can't cope with it and is lashing out. He cannot see that he's been controlling what happens - i.e. we do it his way, we've always done it his way, and I've finally stood up and said - no. And he can't deal with it.

Further proof of this unfolded the following week (we're still in November last year at this point). My dad told me that they were having Covid issues (I had no idea what kind of issues, turned out the kids were having to isolate at home due to a positive test of a classmate) and so I sent him the following:

Dad has just texted me and told me that you're having Covid issues. I realise you're still angry with me and we're not really speaking but I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you all and sending lots of love xx

I got no response whatsoever and so five days later we had following text conversation:

ME

Then how do you propose we resolve this? We're not going to apologise over ELDEST NEPHEW's birthday, you broke the rules - plain and simple. You can't even argue that you were just bending them and whether you feel justified in your actions or not you did break the rules. We were not comfortable with that and despite you saying to me in a previous message that 'We put our suggestions forward and say what we we're planning and if that's not suitable then we look for another plan' that was clearly not the case this time. Over half term I twice asked if we could video call them but you've said no so at the moment you are stopping us seeing them. How do we move forward?

HIM

We don't, I'm not interested anymore. I've got far more important things to think about at the moment. I'm not going to keep repeating myself. I'm not interested until there's an apology.

ME

What exactly do you want an apology for? 

HIM

What part of 'I'm not repeating myself' do you not get?! Look back through our messages and figure it out for yourself.

ME

Is it the misunderstanding over the texts HUBBY sent?

HIM

Have a look through our messages and figure it out and then get back to me.

So. We're being blackmailed. We can't have anything to do with the kids until we make an apology which we believe is utterly unwarranted. Not only that, check the tone of those messages!!! Firstly, 'more important things' which is the usual way of saying that he is far too busy and important and his life is far more stressful than mine because he has children. Secondly, how on earth can he have a problem with me calling him a bully when he sends me messages like that? And yes, I do realise that that is a rhetorical question 🙄 He still, as usual, is refusing to admit he's done anything wrong.

Hubby decided to text him and apologise if his texts about eldest nephew's birthday had been taken the wrong way, i.e. not apologising for what was said but apologising if things had been taken the wrong way. He got no reply. Things went quiet for a while but of course the spectre of Christmas was on the horizon, so at the end of November/beginning of December this is the conversation I had with my sister-in-law:

HER

With the new rules coming out for Xmas please can you consider how the gifts will be given to the children, as our bubble is going to be my parents and yours, this does mean that they won’t see you over the festive period. Your mum is coming to us Xmas morning so that could be a way of getting them to them as a thought.

ME

We anticipated as much, we would of course love to see them but we do completely understand. We'd thought about taking their presents to my mum to bring over but haven't actually discussed that with her yet. Unless we could maybe drop them on the doorstep at a time to suit you and wave through the window....? Which would you prefer? If we do take them to mum would we be able to arrange a video call on Christmas Day please? We're around this weekend for a video call too if you're free??

HER

If I’m honest I think you need to sort things with your brother before you even come here at all but that’s just my personal opinion. Giving the gifts to your mum is the better option right now, if you want to call them that badly then just call them you don’t have to ask!!!!

ME

I would love to sort things out with my brother but I’m genuinely at a loss as to how. Our last text conversation was very nasty and unhelpful, HUBBY has apologised for his texts over ELDEST NEPHEW’s birthday but not had a response. I don’t know what else to do.

I only asked about calling them as the last three times I’ve asked MY BROTHER about arranging a call he’s said no. We’d love to call them this weekend thank you, does Saturday afternoon work for you?

HER

But he’s not looking for an apology from HUBBY, it’s you he wants one from, and if you don’t know why then the two of you are going to continue going round in circles!!!!

If not for yourselves then sort it for your mum if nothing else, the longer this goes on the less chance you’ve got of ever coming back from any of this! 

If your wanting to talk to the children that much then just call them like there grandparents do, they don’t ask they just call and if we miss it they call back it’s pretty simple, stop looking for excuses as to why you can’t or haven’t called such as you’ve asked but no reply, if your wanting to speak to them as much as you say you do then just call!!

ME

But I don't know what to apologise for! Genuinely, I don't. I've asked him but he won't tell me - he says I should know. But I don't and that's why we're going round in circles. He needs to tell me what he wants me to apologise for because I really don't know what I've done

HER

Seriously MY NAME!!!! Not only have you called him a bully etc, the way you were for ELDEST NEPHEW’s birthday as his one and ONLY auntie is not ok!! We all broke the rules for YOUNGEST NEWPHEW and NIECEs birthday by coming over to celebrate but yet you wouldn’t for his!!! You both stood on a football pitch with around 30/40 people, strangers I must add, all close together but you wouldn’t spend time in our garden with just family!!! Yes we broke the rules but in our eyes the kids birthdays are worth breaking the rules for, you spent 20 mins, 20 mins with him his birthday!!!!! Both your dad and my mum are classed as high risk but both were willing to risk there health to ensure they saw the kids on their birthdays!

You say all these things about the kids but you do nothing about it, you’ve not seen or spoken to the kids since September, as the only aunt they have do you really think that’s ok? We had this out with you before in the old house about everything and yet here we are again and if anything, the situation is worse! 

You need to have a good think about how you’ve been or acted around ELDEST NEWPHEW’s birthday and how you’ve acted since and maybe you may realise what you need to say sorry for!

ME

I'm sorry but I'm not apologising for that. The rules on organised outside sport were different to the rules about being in someone's house - garden or otherwise. Likewise the rules when YOUNGEST NEWPHEW and NIECE had their birthdays were different to the rules by the time we got to September. If we had come it would have been 11 people when the rule was 6, that's not just bending the rules that's breaking them quite impressively which we were not comfortable with. When it was just an hour we decided to swallow it for the sake of ELDEST NEPHEW but once it became clear we’d need to be there for longer we didn’t want to risk it. Whilst we understand your reasons for breaking the rules we did not agree with it which is why we stayed away.

Additionally, I resent your comment about being 'the only auntie' when I'm not treated as such. We're bottom of the pile and that is clear from how you both behave towards us. And it's not making excuses, it's being aware of my mental health due to the way you both treat me as I explained to MY BROTHER and you have no doubt seen. This is the first time I've felt strong enough to stand up to you both and the reaction has just proved all of the points I made. Over the past five years I've gone cap in hand with apologies to keep the peace when I know an apology was not warranted – I am not doing that anymore. I have done nothing that requires an apology. My suggestion to just be grown-ups and move past this, realising we'll never agree so we just need to move on, has been rejected so it's up to MY BROTHER what happens next. Hopefully he can be a grown up and move past it too but if he can't that says more about him than me and again just goes to prove my previous points.

Two weekends in a row now I have come incredibly close to walking out of the house, leaving my phone behind and not coming back. HUBBY is threatening to take me back to the doctor but I do not want to go. Yes there are other things going on but this is one of the main reasons that I am feeling unwell again, the complete inability from either of you to admit even a little bit of responsibility for this situation or even attempt to see things from my point of view. The strength I felt at the beginning of all this to stand up to you both has been completely eroded. This is being dragged out for far longer than it needs to be and could have been resolved weeks ago but neither of you can see what you have done to me and continue to do to me which is why we are where we are now. If I do what I have done in the past and just apologise for the sake of apologising then we’ll be fine for a while but at some point in the future something will happen that I don’t agree with and I will again be made out to be the bad guy just because I won’t do what MY BROTHER tells me to do. I’m not doing it anymore.

HER

The relationship I have with you is nothing to do with your mental health! You can’t say I have an impact on that, yes I don’t talk to you and the reasons why is because I don’t want to upset anyone, small talk for the sake of it makes me feel very uncomfortable and we clearly don’t get on! You have a lot going on that you need to process which I understand, but to say that I or we have an impact on that I think is an excuse, yes there are issues but not enough to impact on your daily life. If things are as bad as you say they are and I’m not doubting that, maybe you should listen to your husband who is clearly concerned for you and your well being. I don’t wish anything on you and hope you find the solutions you need in order for you to be able to process what’s going on and move forward.

Grandparents will always come before anyone else and I’m not going to say sorry for that. 

I’m officially done with all of this, I can’t ever forgive you for the way you have behaved over this. Sort what you can with your brother for the sake of your parents.

ME

Unless you are in my head or a qualified psychiatrist you are in no position to tell me what does and does not affect my mental health. 

I've seen you make small talk with my mum, my dad, HUBBY and people we've met in the street whilst out. You don't even say 'hello' to me when I walk into your house, nor do you make eye contact with me. There's 'small talk' but to not say 'hello, how are you?' when you see someone is bordering on rude. I do not feel welcome in your house, I haven't for a long time, and you and MY BROTHER can tell me all you want that that's rubbish but when your actions tell a completely different story then it will remain difficult for me to come over if I'm not mentally strong enough to do so.

I want to sort this out, I really really do, but I am not going to give an apology that I believe is unwarranted. I've asked MY BROTHER to meet me halfway and take some (not all, some) responsibility for the situation we're in, he refused. I then asked if we could just move past it as we were quite obviously never going to agree, he again refused. I almost phoned him earlier this week just to talk as I want to sort this out so much, but I'm so scared of him I bottled it. 

Sorting it out for the sake of our parents is down to both of us not just me

And that was that. It went quiet for a long time. I met up with mum a few weeks later for coffee (outside, in a park, as per the rules) and I was still visibly upset and shaken by it all even then. Initially she made it clear that, whilst she knew something was going on between us, she absolutely did not want to get involved. We were grown ups and we needed to sort it out ourselves. Which I did respect. However, as our couple of hours together grew to end she was very clear that my brother wasn't going to change and that I had to develop some emotional resilience to be able to deal with him. She went on to say that he was just an angry young man (he was bordering on his 40th birthday at this point) as he felt permanently constrained - by his wife, by his kids. All he really wanted to do was stay in bed all day, play computer games and kick a football around with his mates at the weekend. Excuse me?!? Don't we all want to do some version of that? But that's not how life works, you grow up and you deal with the consequences of that. She acknowledged his behaviour but said that he was always going to be like that, it was up to me to come up with strategies to deal with it, like they all have, as it's up to us to manage our reactions around him.

Oh holy hell. Surely it's up to him to change his behaviour if everyone is treading on eggshells around him?! In refusing to approach him on this my opinion is that's she's condoning his behaviour, we all have to have coping strategies because he isn't going to change. He's getting away with being an arse. Why am I the one that has to work out how to climb over the walls he puts up, just because everyone else can break through them and I can't doesn't mean he should be putting the walls up in the first place.

Later that month we both got pleading texts from my Dad to sort this out as my mother wasn't sleeping knowing we were at odds with each other. I knew full well my brother would never call me and so I called him in mid-December. He accused me of only calling because of Dad's text, I assured him that wasn't the case (as you can tell from the texts to his wife above I have always ALWAYS wanted to sort this out and move on - but my brother is insistent that the only way that happens is with an apology which I am not going to give) and that I did want to sort things out between us. He again insisted that he doesn't treat us any differently to anyone else and that it was all in my head, I was being over sensitive and just took everything he said the wrong way. His wife doesn't like me and so is never going to be friendly with me but that's just how she is, when they were first dating he told me they'd have blazing rows when they got back from going out with his friends as she never spoke to any of them all night. That gave me a crumb of comfort, clearly she is just like that but at the same time she's been with my brother for over fifteen years now and she STILL doesn't even say hello to me when I walk into her house. I'm not someone she's met for the first time anymore so that excuse doesn't wash after so much time has passed. I cried a lot on that phone call as he just talked at me, I still refused to apologise though. I told him I loved him and that I wanted to sort this and that I wanted him in my life. He repeatedly told me this was all my issue as he was doing nothing wrong, treating me no differently to how he treats anyone else, I'm imagining it and being over dramatic. He said that we've never been close - he wasn't interested in my life, I wasn't interested in his life so why pretend? We don't get on and we never will. He has a different relationship with mum as they do get on so I shouldn't compare the relationship I have with him to that, we're never going to send each other daily texts or have any sort of small talk. That's just not the relationship we have. So that was that.

There were then various short texts exchanged in the run up to Christmas: I asked when the kids finished, were they still able to do Christmas things at school, had they had any official school photos taken this term. I got curt but polite responses. Likewise over Christmas and New Year: hoping the kids hadn't got them up too early Christmas morning, how late did the kids stay up on NYE etc etc. It wasn't chatty or friendly by any stretch but it was certainly civil, which was something.  

However, the only successful facetimes we'd had had been on Boxing Day morning and New Year's Eve evening. We continued to try and facetime my sister-in-law into January but had never got anywhere with it. After three weeks I was getting frustrated so texted my brother:

ME
Are you at home today or at work?

HIM

Home

ME
Is there a good time please to FT the kids this afternoon?

HIM

Why don't you just phone like we said to do instead of asking for a time slot. If we don't answer then we'll just call back when it's appropriate

ME

Because we've phoned this morning, yesterday morning and at least once over the past two weekends with no call back. 

HIM
We haven't got any missed calls and the last phone call either of us had from either of you was NYE. So don't know who you're calling

ME
HUBBY is facetiming YOUR WIFE from his iPad, the same way we called your phone on NYE

HIM
Nothing on my phone since NYE and nothing on MY WIFE's phone since Christmas Eve

ME
Well I promise you the calls have been made. We'll call YOUR WIFE from the iPad in five minutes and see if that comes through to her. We can't seem to get a full call history but this is from this morning (I sent a screenshot of our iPad facetime screen)

HIM
Nothing on our phones from either of you and no phone calls. Call me and they can use my iPad as MY WIFE hasn't got battery

Facetime call takes place but ends suddenly

ME
Not sure what happened there but looks like they're having dinner now anyway. No idea why our previous calls weren't showing up but I promise you we made them


From that point onwards we facetimed my brother's phone/iPad and not my sister-in-law's. She can be quite Machiavellian at times (although she's not very bright, as I think you can tell from her texts earlier in this post, so I frequently catch her out) and it would not surprise me in the slightest that she'd just been ignoring our calls and then deleting them from her call history. But of course we'll never find out. 

A few weeks later it was my brother's fortieth birthday and I'd been trying to arrange a present for him for months (much to hubby's annoyance, he didn't think I should) but because it was an 'experience' rather than a gift I just had to write in the card that there was a plan in place and once things opened up a bit more I'd sort it out for him. I phoned him on his birthday too and that chat was pleasant enough, I asked how he day had gone and I asked after work and the kids. He asked how I was but it still wasn't a comfortable conversation. Nevertheless I was proud of myself for phoning him and getting through it. Over the next few months we continued to facetime the kids every weekend. There were weekends of course that we called, they didn't answer, and they didn't call back but we spoke to them at least twice a month which was really lovely.

The weather got warmer, the restrictions started to ease, a bank holiday was coming up, we were chatting frequently with the kids but hadn't seen them in person since September the previous year. I thought I'd risk it since our feud was nothing to do with the kids and we desperately wanted to see them. This is what happened at the end of April this year:

ME

Hope you're all well. Do you have any plans for this weekend yet? We'd love to see the kids. There's a great park and café near us, we'll by lunch/ice creams

HIM

Seeing as I've not heard from you in 3 months and have had no attempt from you to reconcile with me or MY WIFE for what you accused us of I'm not exactly enthused by the idea to put it mildly Ill be honest

ME

Fair enough, was just an idea

And that was that. I have not texted my brother since. Hubby has texted him, I've texted my sister-in-law. But my brother and I have not communicated since that text conversation in April. Which I do find incredibly sad, but I refuse to back down. I can at least laugh now though, enough time has passed that I can see the irony in a lot of what has happened over the past ten months. I do hope I'm not being naïve here, but I would have thought that if someone plucks up the courage to talk to you about how your behaviour is making them feel you'd think - "wow, I don't think I I've done anything wrong or behaved in any particular way but this person is clearly hurting, let's sit down and talk about it."  However, my brother's response has been - "how dare you, you're being over sensitive, this is all in your own head, apologise to me" and, please please do correct me here if I'm wrong dear reader, surely that just confirms my accusations of bullying and gaslighting?! As I said, oh the irony. He also doesn't realise that you are bound to treat people that you don't like differently to people that you do like, it's human nature. Would you get in touch with someone you don't enjoy spending time with to invite them over for an afternoon if you're at a loose end? Of course you wouldn't, the trouble is he doesn't seem to realise this.

Things came to a little bit of a head in June, since both littlest nephew and niece have birthdays in July. I'd been texting sister-in-law about presents so that was sorted (with a little drama, of course 🙄) but there would inevitably be gatherings for their birthdays. My brother texted hubby to invite us but made it quite clear we were being invited for the sake of the children, no other reason, and that he would not be speaking to me. This is what followed between them:

HUBBY

Thanks for the invites, in the diary. What has MY NAME done that means you won't be speaking to her?

BROTHER

I'm sure MY NAME will tell you

HUBBY

I know about the stuff last year when she was upset and the confusion around ELDEST NEPHEW's birthday but I thought that was my fault

BROTHER

She knows, ask her, I'm not going into it again

HUBBY

Fair enough. Please try and get to a place where you can sit down and speak to her. She's hurting badly BROTHER'S NAME and doesn't think you understand what she's going through. I'm not lecturing you but this will never get resolved until you both have some time with each other.

BROTHER

I can understand to a point with what you're both going through but she's gone too far this time and acts like nothings happened like she always does. Im not tip toeing around her anymore. It's not about having time for each other, it's about what has been done and said. I'm not doing anything until MY WIFE and I get nothing less than a genuine apology from her.

HUBBY

Yeah I know you've said that before. She doesn't know what needs an apology though so we just go round and round until a proper conversation starts

BROTHER

I've told her before. Like I said, I'm not going through it again. She knows full well what she said.

Hubby was very sweet to try and get something out of my brother, but I had no idea this conversation was happening and would have stopped it if I'd known. I know what he wants me to apologise for, he wants me to apologise for calling him a bully and a gaslighter, I'm well aware of that. But I'm not doing it. I know hubby's heart was in the right place but I don't think he helped things, not that I could do much about it as I only knew the text conversation had taken place after it had taken place! But there we go. Sadly we had to miss littlest nephew's party as we got pinged and had to isolate that week, but we did make it to our niece's party.

It was during the mini-heatwave towards the end of July. We were to be there from 2pm to 4pm and there were a few of niece's friends there with a parent plus a paddling pool and bouncy castle in the garden of my brother's house. I was so nervous, such trepidation over the entire weekend (it took place on a Sunday), hubby and I were very snappy with each other on the Saturday as we were both so on edge. But I needn't have worried, we had SUCH an amazing time!!! True to his word, my brother ignored me the entire time. My sister-in-law only spoke to me once - when she offered me an ice pop, and only then I think because I was sat with hubby as well as my parents and her parents so it would have been obvious if she'd offered one to everyone else but not me. And that was that. The parents had been invited to stay for an extra hour for present opening but we left promptly at 4pm, much to my mother's exasperation, since that invite had not been extended to us. The nephews thought it hilarious to soak me with their water pistols (I had a feeling that might happen so had purposely worn appropriate clothing), I kept picking them up and threatening to throw them in the paddling pool as they squealed in delight. It was amazing to just pick them up and squeeze them when we got there (despite my mother telling me I shouldn't "they're too big now, and anyway they're not a tactile family and they don't do hugs" - oh do sod off, if they tell me to stop I'll stop but otherwise I'm hugging them!!), I hadn't realised just how much I had missed them. I really did have such a wonderful two hours.

And that's where we are now. We will continue to facetime them as much as we can, it's eldest nephew's birthday in a couple of months (therefore marking the anniversary of a year since this all started) so we'll hopefully see them all again then, and who knows what will happen at Christmas, but for now it's facetime all the way. I'm not going to bother trying to text and arrange a playdate or ice creams or lunch or something since clearly my brother doesn't want me to see them unless I have to - despite always claiming he'd never stop me seeing his kids. I can't wait until they're older. Which, to be honest, is a terrible thing to say as you should never wish time away but there we go. A long for a time when they have a mobile phone and I can contact them directly instead of going through their parents, when they can get on public transport and travel more freely therefore not being reliant on their parents to be able to go somewhere. Those are the days I look forward to, when I will be free of these shackles and can just see the kids as much as they will let me see them. I have no idea when that day will come, but the fact it's out there is pretty much all that keeps me going throughout this entire sorry mess.

Fractious Families - And so it continues........ THREE

We had a wonderful weekend away, a staycation of course but we loved every second of it. The day after we got back, although we still had a few more days off work, my brother replied. I read the beginning, realised it was a very very very long message and skipped to the end to read the last paragraph. Hubby read it that morning and said that he could tell I'd clearly hit a nerve. But I didn't have the strength to read it until 48 hours later as I just couldn't do it. I knew it would be him on the defensive saying it was all me, he had nothing to explain and nothing was his fault. I was right, this was his reply:

(this, obviously, is an anonymous blog so I've changed names he used to titles as I have done for previous exchanges but I hope it doesn't deflect from reading it)

I haven’t replied to this just purely because I haven’t had the time, nothing more. So on the HUBBY thing, my view was never anything more than how everyone acted like nothing happened and that was all, you’re a grown woman so you make your own decisions and live by them.
 
The only other thing for me was protecting the kids from being confused which I’m not going into again as I’ve made my point on that many times.
 
MY NAME if we’re going to be honest then let’s be just that. We don’t get on, we haven’t for a long time and that’s Ok, people don’t get on in life. We have hugely different views on life, on the way things should be dealt with in general and all sorts of other things which then add to the pot.
 
In terms of my ‘family stance’ as you put it is neither one side or another, that is not something that enters our heads. It took ages to get them to reply to mums letter and then after that it just wasn’t something we could find time for them to be interested in again. SIL'S PARENTS never sent letters.
 
MY NAME it wasn’t two weeks, you asked about presents for the kids 10 days before ELDEST NEPHEW’s birthday, 10 days before NIECE’s birthday and about a week before YOUNGEST NEPHEW’s birthday. By then grandparents have asked about a month or more before their birthday and we then send ideas.
 
It shouldn’t be and never has been up to us to initiate that sort of thing. It’s not a surprise that it’s their birthday each year. Asking that late means there’s not a lot of anything else needed.
 
Even when you do ask and then send suggestions they are so wide of the mark that I have to then think of things to send you to get. For me this is the most frustrating because it just highlights the shear lack of understanding of what they like or are into at each moment.
 
Family events aren’t dominated by us at all, the only thing we take into consideration is the kids, the same as with everything we do in life. We put our suggestions forward and say what we we’re planning and if that’s not suitable then we look for another plan. We don’t dictate, we just consider the kids.
 
Now calling me a ‘bully’, that’s low and something I’m as far removed from as can be. Sure I’m grumpy and speak my mind but bullying?! Come on MY NAME. I’ll take that comment with a pinch of salt as I’m sure your messages were written with emotion running high, if not you’re understanding of ‘bullying’ is twisted.
 
As for the things you said about MY WIFE, again get a grip. There is no hatred, no distain, far from it. You two just don’t get on because of the same reasons we don’t due to our very different outlook on things. We’ve spoke to you about this years ago in our old house, we shouldn’t have to repeat ourselves.
 
If you meant that message in the family group from her then that has come from the way you dealt with ELDEST NEPHEW’s birthday which I felt was quite restrained. I myself could have said a lot worse, believe me, but thought it best to keep my mouth shut.
 
So, you force yourself to come to our house? If you don’t want to then don’t. You say you want to be involved in their lives and yet nothing has changed since we spoke in our old house. It did for a while but then since getting back with HUBBY it’s gone backwards.
 
If you want to be part of their lives then pay some interest in their lives. The odd voice message every now and again is great but I can count how many times you’ve asked to do something with them on one hand since getting back with HUBBY.
 
You don’t ask ‘frequently’ at all, you sometimes ask if we’re busy but that’s not the same. Again I could go back through your messages and count, you asking to do stuff is as far removed from ‘frequently’ as you could probably get.
 
We have never told you no about doing stuff, we’re not evil. We say we’re busy or have other plans or similar, we hardly have any spare time with three kids, a house, work, etc and any small spare time we have sometimes it’s just nice to do nothing.
 
I know it’s difficult for you cos if your current situation, I’m not blind, but you can’t expect to know them or do what your asking if you only see them on special occasions.
 
There are no barriers in the way, these are in your mind. The only difficulty is that we don’t get on but are civil when we see you, this is what you take as friction. There’s no friction on our part or towards you.
 
Yes you’re right, we don’t want you having the kids on your own because you don’t know them enough which stems from my previous points. I don’t mean in general, I mean about if one of them was to have a strop, if one of them became unwell, what they like, what they don’t like, all sorts of things to take into consideration.
 
We don’t ask anyone to join us on days out because we like going out just us. If we’ve asked grandparents it’s because we want them to spend as much time with them as possible doing things before they get too old.
 
Nine times out of ten the grandparents ask to do things with us and not the other way around. There’s no rule book.
 
Now I have great sympathy for you on the child front, of course I do. No matter what it’s a horrible thing for someone to go through. Like I said before I do things for mum and dad because I want them to have as much time with them and the kids experiences with their grandparents before it’s too late.
 
Don’t act like I’ve never had any sympathy for your situation or said as such because that’s just not true.
 
What ‘crass’ comments have I ever made?! I’m not a horrible person that you make me out to be, you’re acting like I’m some kind of monster!!
 
You feel the world is geared towards families because it’s something you desperately want. If you wanted something else as much your attention would be drawn to those type of things.
 
Yes I have a wife, children, a house, a dog but it’s by no means easy at all. I had a fucking breakdown after YOUNGEST NEPHEW was born because I found out just how hard it is. To this day it is just as hard but I know now it’s not all like the movies and it’s tough.
 
All our money goes on them, all our time goes to them, all our energy, our effort, our thoughts are all geared around them. Everything we consider, every choice we make is around them. I can’t remember the last time MY WIFE and I went out to do something for ourselves or buy ourselves something as a treat.
 
Between work and homelife there isn’t a second of the day that’s not taken up. It’s stressful and exhausting and it’s everyday. Don’t think just because we have it that everything is rosey.
 
Yes I’m sure you’d give everything to be in our type of situation but, and don’t take this the wrong way because you probably will, you don’t know what it’s like just as you say I don’t.
 
I don’t text you cos we don’t get on. Would you text someone you don’t get on with? Holding a conversation with you is difficult because of this.
 
Me and mum have always got on well, don’t act like it’s some kind of popularity contest. Our conversations have never ‘flowed’ because we’re such different people, ever since we were teenagers it never has. Let’s not act like it’s something that it’s not.
 
To say I ‘have no interest’ in your life and your ‘plans are worthless’ is just ridiculous and again I’ll just put those stupid comments down to your emotions running high when you wrote this.
 
I do nothing on purpose to make you or anyone else for that matter feel on edge or in a state. If you feel like that then that’s down to you not me, likewise you are the only one that has said I make them feel that way so it’s down to you feeling this way not me.
 
To end this I have nothing to apologise for so I’m not going to. I have nothing to take responsibility for, I haven’t treated you any differently to any other person I know.
 
We are still angry about how ELDEST NEPHEW’s birthday was handled because that just personified everything that’s happened. We chose to still have his birthday because the kids had been through enough, one last thing for them to make them feel special while going through all this shit.
 
You deciding against that when we had consulted those that it effected just showed lack of priority. And for HUBBY to even text me to say that MY idea for MY sons birthday wasn’t a good idea fucking infuriated me. You think I hadn’t considered everything for everyone and most notably ELDEST NEPHEW. Telling me what to do for MY son, I’m angry now just thinking back to it!!

I’ll end this here before I say something I regret. We don’t get on, this isn’t a surprise to anyone, we have completely different views on everything. But if you want things to get any better YOU need to change your ways towards the children.

As much as you say they mean the world to you it doesn’t look like that. Birthdays highlight it with your complete lack of understanding of them. There’s a difference between loving them and actually knowing who they are as children.

MY WIFE feels the same way about what I’ve said about the kids and doesn’t really say much because believe it or not she doesn’t want to upset you, me or mum and dad. She’ll be polite and say hello, etc though doesn’t do small talk because it makes her feel uncomfortable.

I’m not expecting a reply to this, in fact I don’t want one, enough has been said. Just think it’s not just as simple as thinking I’m the bad guy, maybe there’s a reason I may come across that way.

Pleasant reading, isn't it? I'd clearly rattled him. The swearing in it! I didn't swear once in my message to him. Not just that though, the number of times he used my name - how aggressive yet condescending! Check your text messages to your friends and family, how many times do you use their actual forename in the text you're sending?

And did you count how many times he completely missed the point I was trying to make? The one that got to me the most though was saying I was only seeing family stuff everywhere because that's what I desperately wanted. Erm, excuse me?!? That's like saying someone who is lactose intolerant is bound to just see ice cream and milkshake adverts everywhere. For heaven's sake. Infertility is not a choice, it's an aspiration denied that most have without thinking about it.

Then there was that last paragraph - "I don't want a reply". A perfectly good example of his controlling behaviour. It was only after a conversation with a friend that I realised it though, I had said to her that he made it clear he didn't want a reply. To which her response was "Again, control. He gets the final word? Only if that suits you" and it made me realise that I'd fallen for it again. I wasn't going to leave it at that just because he'd told me he didn't want a reply, I had things to say. So I decided to enjoy the rest of my time off work with hubby but that I was going to reply to him when it suited me.

And so it continued. Which is why, dear reader, I'm afraid that this is going to go to a fourth post despite me saying I'd do it in three as I just can't get it all in here. Bear with me.......

Fractious Families - And so it continues........ TWO

(helps if you've read this before you continue, no biggie if not though!)

So. We had the fun and games of eldest nephews birthday and this time, for once, I was not going to kowtow to him. I had had enough. I just carried on with my life, I wasn't going to him cap in hand to say how sorry I was for our behaviour - which is what I normally have to do for us to continue to have any vague level of civility. It's always the same, no matter what has happened I'm wrong and he's right and I have to bow down to him before we're able to be treated normally again. Or whatever that means to him, I don't think we've ever been treated 'normally' but there you go. 

So I left things. Two weeks before the October half term holiday I texted him about possibly meeting up, we offered to pay, and I suggested a load of places we could possibly go and be outside to minimise risk (this was prior to where we live being upgraded in the English 'tier' system for Covid so we could meet up). The conversation unfolded as follows:

HIM
Are you seriously just going to act as if everything is alright and like NEPHEW's birthday didn't happen?! I have had no message from you about it since with you knowing how annoyed I was at it all. And you think you can just message me something like this and I'll open to the idea?!

ME
I knew how annoyed you were which is exactly why I haven't messaged you. I'm never going to win this argument, I know that, I just always end up in tears and I can't do that anymore. We'd just like to see the kids over half term

HIM
So you're happy to break the rule of 6 now but you weren't for NEPHEW's birthday?!

ME
These are not the same circumstances. Then can we just take the kids out for the day please?

HIM
How are they not?! It's still the same thing, more than 6 people being together

ME
One three year old is not the same as five adults. In that situation we were more than happy to risk it for an hour but then plans changed and we felt uneasy

HIM
I'm afraid it's not going to be as simple as this. We were left really angry with the way it was dealt with by you both and it's a culmination of a lot of other things too which we spoke to you about years ago but it only changed for a few months. The very fact you text me acting as if nothing has happened and everything's alright has just added to it all.

And that was it - I snapped. I was done, I didn't care anymore, he'd broken me, I wasn't going to let him get away with it any longer. This last message had tipped me over the edge. I spent the next day writing an email, adding and editing throughout as the day went on, as a reply to that text. I copied and pasted each paragraph into its own text message and sent the replies to him that evening. I genuinely had no idea how he'd react to it or how/when/what he'd reply, all I did know was that we could not carry on like that, *I* could not carry on like that. 

I'd sent the email to hubby just before I left work (i.e. before I sent it to my brother) and I've since sent it to my best friend. Both had the same reaction, that it was hard hitting but measured and they were both so so proud of me for writing it. They'd both seen how the relationship with my brother had deteriorated and how it had affected my mental health and were so pleased I'd sent what I'd sent. As hubby put it - I gave him both barrels, reloaded, gave him both again and then threw in a grenade for good measure. This is what I sent:

Ok. It’s time to be brutally honest with you because pussy footing around to try and fit your agenda clearly isn’t working anymore. You’re angry with the way this was dealt with?? I’ve been angry FOR YEARS about the way you and YOUR WIFE treat me and, more recently, HUBBY. I know you have never forgiven him for the hurt he caused me and you’ve never forgiven me for taking him back but we’re together now and stronger than ever so you’re just going to have to deal with it.
 
Your hypocritical stance on family stinks. You’re both very good at equality between the parents but there is no equivalent of me, of us, and so we’re frequently forgotten or an afterthought at best. Prime example, the letters I sent over lockdown earlier this year. I know mum got responses to her letters because she told me she had, I’d put a large amount of money on the fact SIL'S PARENTS got replies to anything they sent too. You told me we didn’t get a reply as they had so many letters from friends not everyone got a response. But the grandparents did, so are we friends or are we family?! The way we’re treated over presents also makes us angry. I don’t think asking two weeks before a birthday is ‘short notice’. I know there is a list and I know it gets shared with the grandparents, they clearly do ask earlier than we do but why, when it gets to only a few things left on the lists, do you not think ‘oh, we need to save something for ME and HUBBY to get’? Are we that forgotten about? It’s not as if we’re NOT going to buy presents is it??!? We’re always going to get presents and since everything we always suggest is not met with your approval we need the list and yet we’re never thought of as the list gets bought up. These are just two recent examples but there have been many many over the years showing how we’ve been treated differently.
 
Every single family event is dominated by you and dictated by what YOU want to do. Father’s day, mother’s day, birthdays, Christmas…. We cannot put any other plans in place until we know what YOU are doing. You’re a bully and you’ve been gaslighting me for years, I cannot do this anymore. The mix of that and YOUR WIFE’s passive aggressiveness, not to mention the fact she just cannot hide her utter disdain for my very existence, has made being in your presence increasingly difficult. My mental health has suffered and yet I still force myself to spend time in your house as I love your children desperately and want to spend as much time with them as possible despite the constant barriers you put in our way. We want to be involved in their lives but it is draining to ask frequently for days out, or to come over, and to be told no. We know we can’t see them unless you are present and that further restricts the time we’re able to spend with them. Maybe we don’t ask much as we should but when you’ve been hitting your head against a brick wall for a long time it gets to the point where you need to stop doing it as it hurts too much. Why have you never asked us if we want to join you on days out?! Why does it always have to come from us?!
 
Over the past couple of months it has looked increasingly likely that we are never going to have children and it will just be the two of us for the foreseeable future. We’ve done a lot of research into adoption and we feel that route is no longer open to us, we still cannot conceive naturally. We’ve been offered the money for another round of IVF but, as much as we are seriously considering it, the odds that it will work are still ridiculously low (5%). You have great empathy for mum and what she has to deal with daily with dad, I’ve seen the way you treat her and you take her for days out as a break and the kids do video calls and send messages. However for reasons I cannot fathom (altho, probably, it’s because if you’re brutally honest you don’t really like me either) you have absolutely no empathy for the situation we are in. This is proven by the many and frequent crass comments you make about children. You have no idea how it feels to be in our position, the world is geared towards those that have children and we are surrounded by constant reminders every day of what we desperately would like but cannot have. Adverts on the tube and on TV (pregnancy vitamins, days out for kids, toys), baby on board badges and buggies on the commute, articles in newspapers about what to do for child-friendly holidays, it never ends. You have managed to tick every single box in life that you are meant to and expected to tick – job, house, wife, kids, dog. And whilst I have no doubt whatsoever that you have worked incredibly hard to get there and it has not been easy for you, at the same time you have not been denied any of those things through no fault of your own. Just imagine for one minute how that feels. To want something, that pretty much everyone else has, so desperately but there is absolutely nothing you can do to fill that void. The pain and emptiness that we carry around with us EVERY SINGLE DAY is palpable and you have no idea. Nor do you seem to care or if you do care, it’s only a bit and there is certainly no empathy there.
 
All of this goes both ways. When have you ever texted me to ask how I am? How we are? How things are going? You did for a bit when HUBBY and I were splitting up but, generally, I just get ear-splitting silence from you. You take no interest in us or our lives. I know you text mum frequently and have conversations with her, but you don’t with us. I have tried to start conversations on numerous occasions but when I do eventually get a reply from you (and I know you’re busy with work, I don’t expect instant replies genuinely I don’t) the conversation doesn’t really flow naturally and peters out after a few texts. Yet you have frequent conversations with mum. Again, I can only assume it’s because you don’t really like me and don’t really have any interest in my life or care what I’m up to. We have no children therefore our plans are worthless and there’s no reason for you to keep in touch with me.
 
It is perfectly possible to love someone desperately yet dislike them. You are my brother and for that reason I love you to the moon and back and would throw myself in front of a bus for you, but as a person being around you just makes me feel on edge the whole time.
 
Now, your reaction to this will be that I’m being over sensitive. That’s always your reaction when I tell you how I’m feeling, you dismiss my very real feelings but you can’t see what you do to me and how you make me feel. Whilst I admit that I can be more sensitive than most (especially towards you, my own flesh and blood, for a long time now you’ve been the only one able to really push my buttons) BUT - you are the ONLY person in my life that I speak to that makes me feel like this. Every conversation I have with you makes my insides contract, my breathing tenses and nine times out of ten I end up crying and in a very messed up state. HUBBY has had to pick up the pieces every single time and he too is sick of seeing me like that. You are the only person that makes me feel like that and puts me in that state so yes, whilst I admit I do have over sensitive tendencies the only conclusion I can get to is that the issue is with you and not with me. I don’t react like this with anyone else. It is how you treat me and view me that leads me to feel like this and whatever level of oversensitivity I may have just makes things worse.
 
For my part, I am sorry I haven’t said any of this sooner. Really I am. It’s an incredibly heavy weight to carry and I have found the burden extremely draining for a long time, but you have a very domineering personality and it’s difficult to stand up to you, I know mum struggles. I have found it difficult in the past to find the strength to say these things but it has got to the point now that we cannot carry on like this anymore. You have said yourself that we’re not as close as either of us would like to be but until you start to take some responsibility for how things have turned out between us we will not be able to move forward. I desperately want a different relationship with both you and YOUR WIFE but the longer this goes on the more I realise that just isn’t going to happen. But maybe some new, middle ground/third way can be forged. One day it will just be the two of us and I want you in my life more and not less, but I also no longer want to be scared of you or how I feel when I’m around you. And I certainly don’t want every interaction we have to end with me in floods of tears convulsing.

It took him over ten days to reply.

Fractious Families - And so it continues........ ONE

You really didn't think it had all gone away did you?! 

(read about all the initial fun and games here and here, plus this will give you an idea of things too)

It reached a peak at oldest nephew's birthday in September. Youngest nephew and our niece had their birthdays in July whilst we were still under lockdown, or just as things were easing, so the grandparents spent one day of their birthday weekends with them in their garden and we spent the other day with them. All went well. Or as well as these things go, anyway.

Oldest nephew's birthday was after the 'rule of six' was introduced and this angered my brother as they had already planned the birthday - we'd go and watch him play football in the morning then go back to theirs for a BBQ. After the new rules were introduced we were uncomfortable with this as it would mean 11 people at my brother's, including the children admittedly but in England children weren't exempt from the rule of six so there you go. Both my brother and my husband are in a line of work where it wouldn't just be frowned upon if they broke the rules, it could be news and is certainly not something hubby particularly wanted to face. 

Hubby texted my brother, very politely, about this and got some very curt replies - essentially saying that he'd decided to do this for his son's birthday and he didn't care how we felt about it. I managed to persuade hubby to go back to their house just for an hour, we'd be outside at least and we could then make excuses and leave.

However, nephew decided he didn't want to miss his golf lesson. That would therefore mean staying at their house for 5 hours (nephew would go home after football, have a quick lunch then go out to golf lesson, presents and BBQ when he got back) and we really didn't want to do that. We said we were uncomfortable, we were asked if we had any other plans (i.e. why couldn't we stay longer) and when I said that we were nervous about breaking the rule of six and wanted to minimise our risk we got a lecture. And this, I hasten to add, all took place in the family WhatsApp group (I say 'family' group, hubby isn't a member as my brother controls it, their texts were just between the two of them). The following is then sent by my brother:

"There will be different tables for different groups of us. It's NEPHEW'S birthday and we want to do the same as we did for OTHER NEPHEW and NIECE otherwise it's not fair. Didn't need HUBBY texting me saying it's not a good idea. He's our son and I've been open with everyone about it and left it up to them with regards what they're comfortable with. NEPHEW wants to do golf after football and there's not a lot of time in between plus they need lunch. To be honest the kids have had enough upheaval so far so the rule of six can go fuck itself just for one day so NEPHEW can have a nice birthday."

Hhhhmmmmmmm.

1. Hubby didn't text him saying it wasn't a good idea, just that we weren't comfortable with it

2. This isn't the same as you did for the others as their birthdays were split over weekends and not done all in one day

I replied to say we'd just come for the football then and the reply was "I'll bite my tongue for the sake of NEPHEW, mum and dad". I wasn't having that, I'd had enough so I texted back "Fair enough, I've bitten my tongue for years."

And that was that. The day of nephew's birthday comes round and off we trot to see him play football. As usual, SIL just ignores me the entire time but I chat a bit to mum and play with other nephew and niece. At the end of the game my brother (who also coaches the team) is clearing up and wanders over to us to pick up some cones and I said something like 'good game!' to which, whilst still staring at the cones and not looking at me at all, my brother says 'I'm not talking to you' and just walks off. Charming. 

Eldest nephew comes up and we chat about the game. He asks if we're coming back to his house and when we say we're very sorry but we can't he looks so sad, my heart breaks a little but neither of us want to break the rules. Mum even turns to me and says 'if you're that upset just come' to which I reply, through tears, that we can't. I start talking about my brother and she makes it very clear that we're adults now so need to sort it out the two of us.

Hubby drives home whilst I sit in floods of tears. I can't do this anymore. I can't feel like this every time I have an interaction with my brother that he doesn't agree with. I hate feeling like this whenever we see each other or discuss anything. He rarely see things from my point of view and is just so controlling, it's his way or that's it. And the knot in my stomach just grows.

The next day my dad posts some photos in the family group of the afternoon in their garden. My SIL, who never ever EVER usually posts in our family group (she put in the odd emoji when we were updating on our IVF treatment but that's it, I don't think she's ever contributed otherwise), replies as follows to the photos: What lovely photos, was such a lovely social distancing birthday party in the garden!! Thank you for coming and for sticking with being out in the garden even though it was a little windy.

Wow. How passive aggressive can you get?! Again, I couldn't do it anymore. I posted: It doesn't matter how socially distanced it was, it was a gathering of more than six people and therefore it was illegal. Things are clearly still raw after yesterday so I'm going to leave this group for a while.

And with that I left the family group. The relief was immense. I've still not been let back in (as you can imagine, a lot more has happened since, further blogs to follow) as my brother is the only admin and he doesn't want me in there. It was only ever things aimed at my parents anyway, I was rarely included and I rarely posted. Plus hubby has never been in the group.

But that wasn't the end of it by a long shot. Oh no, more was to come. More and far far worse.

Moving On

I don’t really know where to begin with this to be honest. It’s been quite the summer, and not for the reasons you might think. There has been all of that of course but there have been other things too. We found out in June that one of our blastocysts from our round of IVF in February hadn’t actually failed the test to see if it was viable for transfer. Three had failed, but one just had a ‘no result’ which hadn’t been explained to me – I’d thought that it meant that it wasn’t viable, especially as the embryologist I spoke to just kept apologising to me. Apparently it just means they don’t know what it’s like and it’s started to hatch so they can’t perform another test on it. So we have a blasto in a freezer somewhere that we need to decide what to do with. Sadly it’s more a financial decision as the clinic put their prices up in April but it’s definitely something we’re considering when it’s safe to do so.

Then there’s adoption. That had started to become a serious consideration when I still didn’t fall pregnant over the summer. We both made significant lifestyle changes, neither of us were commuting across London anymore and my usual May/June of 12+ hour working days and high stress levels didn’t happen. And yet I still didn’t fall. If it wasn’t going to happen under those circumstances then when will it?! It was becoming clear that although there is (allegedly) nothing wrong with either of us the mix of our genes just doesn’t produce a viable embryo, for reasons we will never know and I’m guessing no one would be able to tell us. I’d been using ovulation apps (still am) and we have essentially been home inseminating due to issues we’ve been having (all that glorious detail here) so I’m of course paranoid that that’s gone wrong somewhere but I’m aware of other people who it has absolutely worked for so who knows. As the months passed, the more adoption seemed like the way we'd complete our family.

We'd both been very interested in adoption at earlier stages of our infertility journey, we knew we had so much love to give and wanted to give that love to a child in need of it. So, we signed up for an information session with the adoption service in our area. It would normally have been in person of course, but not in current circumstances. It was two hours long and incredibly comprehensive, two lovely woman from the adoption service itself as well as a woman who had adopted a child in the last couple of years so had real recent experience of the process. It was incredibly eye opening and we'd realised we'd been very VERY naïve. We had been under the impression that a child we could adopt would be relinquished, unwanted by their own family, however it turns out the children are very much wanted by their families but are removed by the courts. Sometimes the removal is fought by relatives, sometimes the child is removed even though siblings are allowed to stay. I'm sure the courts have reasons for taking children away, I'm sure they're doing it for good reasons but that just doesn't sit comfortably with us. I don't want to tear apart another family just to get my own family. I know people here have adopted, I know it's worked for them, I do not want the words I am using to be hurtful. That would be the absolute last thing I would want. But we are where we are. It turns out that adoption, in our area of the UK at least, isn't what we thought it was and therefore we don't think it's for us after all. 

So the realisation has hit us lately that this might be it. It may well be just the two of us. We've talked about another round of IVF (a friend has very generously and very sweetly offered us a loan of the money so we wouldn't need to go through the bank again), we've talked about continuing home insemination. But realistically there is no guarantee either would work - neither has yet. 

Lockdown ramblings

This is a collection of my musings, vignettes if you will, that I have added to in the past couple of months as there didn't seem to be enough in each one for it to have a post all of its own. I started writing this in March when all this madness kicked off and have added to it since so do bear that in mind as you're reading. The timeline is rather fluid (this runs mostly from March through to May/June) so apologies if some of it doesn't make sense now! Enjoy :)

It's been a while since I've written anything. There isn't much going on, as I'm sure is the case for a lot of you. We're not going out, we have no future plans, nothing is booked, nothing to look forward to.

In case you hadn't guessed, we didn't go to New York at the end of March. We're at home like, I hope, all of you! We took a refund rather than reschedule, for two reasons really. For one I genuinely have no idea if we will be able to reschedule, our jobs are such that it's not always easy for us to take time off at the same time. Secondly, we wanted to be flexible and I have no idea if we'd book through the same provider (we'd definitely try to, for obvious reasons) for the same price or the same hotel etc etc etc etc....... So, for now we'll take the refund and see how the land lies in six months' time.

Working from home isn't actually working out too badly, although hubby has been asked to make sure his kit is ready to go so he can be deployed anywhere across London at a moment's notice. Which will be fun. But until that call comes we're both at home, sharing the dining room table!

I had quite the wobble a couple of weeks ago. My anxiety has gone through the roof, I'm taking a break from Facebook (full of people moaning about the fact they have children) and have taken to walking every day in an attempt to clear my head but nothing's really working. Through everything that's happened over the past couple of years; from all hubby and I have gone through with splitting reconciling and IVF to family issues with my brother, sister-in-law and then my dad's cancer diagnosis on top of his dementia - work has been my anchor. It's been my rock, my security. I always knew where I was with work and then that all got swept away too. The ground beneath my feet just disappeared.

I have had a bit of a breakthrough however, I didn’t get out of bed until 9am despite waking up around 7am and hubby asked me whether it was because I didn’t want to get out of bed or because I didn’t want to face the world. I considered lying, then decided not to and said it was because I didn’t want to face the world. He then said we needed to get me a doctor’s appointment. I said not to, I’m doing things and I’ll be fine.

Then I had a bit more of a think. It’s not that I don’t want to face the world, it’s that I don’t want to go to work as I’m worried that they’ll find me out. That they’ll realise I’m a fraud and I can’t do the job. They’ll realise that I don’t actually know what I’m doing. It’s the exact same feeling I had for the last year or so at my previous job that made me ill – it’s work I don’t want to face, not the world. And despite knowing (really knowing!) that this is different, I can’t shake it. For the past few years work has been my stability – through everything that’s happened I have never not wanted to get up and go to work because I knew I was good at it and because it had rhythm, it was logical, it was routine, I was in control of it. At the moment, I’m not. It’s new. No one knows what’s going on. My security blanket has been taken away and I don’t like it. There no longer anything to anchor me, to keep me steady no matter what else is going on. I can’t cope with that on top of everything else going on out there at the moment.

BUT. I have not been furloughed (other staff have, a letter went out over the weekend), the boss is still coming to me for advice and I’m having regular catch ups with my line manager. So I just need to put in place everything I can and ride it out. I genuinely think that when (if?!) works settles down I’ll feel much much better. I feel better just for having figured that out :)

Plus, of course, there's more tension with my brother and his family. As I'm sure you can imagine! I've sent the kids voice messages and written letters and have I got anything back?! Have I bollocks. Apparently it's because they get so many letters they lose track and can't reply to them all, but I've heard my mum go on and on about the lovely letters she's got and the drawings they've done for her. And I'll put a large amount of money on the fact that my sister-in-law's parents have had responses to whatever they've sent over too.

It's the hypocrisy of it that stinks, either I'm family and I'm important or I'm not. According to him, my reaction to everything my brother says is because I'm being over sensitive, rather than him being an arse. And he's never going to change his perspective. Because, as has been proved countless times in the past, he can't see things from my point of view. Never will. Doesn't even try. And that won't change.