All the Cs

(with apologies, I wrote most of this over a month ago.......)

Well. That was a fucking waste of time.

When I was emailing the fertility clinic to try and sort an appointment with them, the latest time I was told we could book was 3.30pm (which meant I had to sneak out of work at 2pm!!) as they close at 5pm and that's how long initial appointments took. Hhmmmmm. On the day, it turned out that we went in at 3.45pm and were done by 4.15pm. The quickest £200 I think I've ever spent. It was all incredibly impersonal, it felt like a business transaction and a sales pitch. Nothing personal at all, nothing to make us think that they were aware of the sensitivity or pain that might come with the person they were talking to - us or someone else. The doctor didn't introduce himself to us and told us absolutely nothing that we didn't know already. Went through our historical tests in a very matter-of-fact, practical, way and then told us about how the immune system reacts to pregnancy and that, if we wanted, we could have additional tests with them to check if my immune system was attacking any potential embryo - at a cost of £800. He asked no lifestyle questions at all despite what we'd listed on our forms and we were told to go back to our doctors for more blood tests, another scan for me and another semen analysis for hubby. And that was that. Bye from him. We were then ushered to a Nurse who was one of those 'I think I'm so hilarious and I'm your best friend' people which we just found very very grating. We both left not wanting to give them any more of our money.

The following weekend, I found out that my Dad has bone cancer and will start chemo shortly. They've found it early and he has an 80% chance of beating it but he'll always be in remission if he does and, you know, it's cancer and chemo on an already fragile almost 70 year old with early onset Alzheimers. The whole family were round at my parents and my mum took the two oldest nephews to the park by their house leaving me, my brother, my sister in law and my niece (who is still under 2) with my Dad. Due to his dementia he'd obviously wanted to make sure he was saying the right things and hadn't missed anything out so had typed and printed out his little speech to read. Because of where I was sitting compared to where my brother was sitting I saw the first sentence before Dad said it, despite him trying to hide it from me, so I had about ten seconds to process it before Dad said the words out loud. My brother didn't hear him correctly so I repeated it. My brother stopped what he was doing, put his head in his hands and sobbed. Actually sobbed, and didn't take his face out of his hands until Dad had stopped talking. When he did it was bright red and so SIL went to sit next to him. I asked all the questions that had come into my head whilst sat alone on the other side of the room. It was quite sobering to see my brother like that.

Once all the questions were over, SIL took my niece to the front door to wait for the others to get back from the park and Dad followed them. My brother took me in the biggest bear hug ever. This is someone who shows no emotion to me at all. Has only ever kissed my cheek once in the past 20 years and that was on my wedding day, I think the last time he hugged me before this was ten years ago. It's just not in his character. We held each other until we heard the front door go, pulled ourselves together and awaited the onslaught of the boys. We were all then back in the same room and the first thing, the very first thing, my SIL said to my Mum is about the logistics of childcare as my Mum won't be around as much due to Dad's chemo (his chemo is scheduled for the same day a week that she currently has their kids). The very first thing she said, whilst my brother was sat next to her with a still very red and puffy face from the sobbing. I mean, fair enough, she's a mum of three who earns fuck all it's bound to cross her mind - but the VERY FIRST thing you say?!?!? I had no words.

This has, of course, exacerbated my Mum's emotional neediness. To be fair, her life has already taken quite the hit with the dementia and of course this isn't what anyone signs up for in retirement. But she clings to me like a limpet, my brother is obviously far too busy with a stressful job and three children to ask him to do things or be in touch with him so frequently so it falls on me. There was one day recently she texted me at 2pm and again at 5pm, both of which times I was at work and I would have remembered to text her back later that evening or the following morning, but by 8pm I had a 'are you ok? Is anything wrong?' text..........

The day after Dad's announcement Mum texted me to ask how I was and she said I sounded chirpy. Well, not meaning to be blunt about it but I am well aware how utterly shit and fucking unfair life can be. I'm not entirely sure my brother has been hit full in the face with that yet. He is 38 and has ticked all the boxes you're supposed to by that age - job, house, kids, wife, dog. I'm not saying his life is easy (his wife is a stupid manipulative bitch and he has three kids under 7 and one hell of a commute to a difficult job) and I'm not saying he hasn't working incredibly hard for it - but he's got it. Everything he wanted in life he's got so - you know - I'm probably dealing with it better?!? Except I'm not. Initially I might have been but at the moment work is, again, the only thing keeping me going. I stare at my computer screen at the end of the day and don't want to go home. At weekends I feel like I have no purpose and I just don't want to get out of bed. I'm crying a lot and I'm angry a lot. I feel acutely aware of the empty chasm in my life without children. I am lethargic with little motivation for anything, I don't want to read about my Dad's diagnosis or know anything more about it. I can feel myself slipping again, making bad food and drink choices (not exactly a good idea bearing in mind we're still, obviously, trying to conceive). I just want to sleep. I don't want to see people. So I'm back in therapy again, I've had my first appointment with my counsellor and feel so much better already. Fingers crossed that continues.


So. There we go. All the Cs - a crappy clinic, cancer and counselling.

Drowning in Pain and Paperwork

Well. We started using blue pill in February, and have therefore had two full cycles with plenty of sex. However, we're still having issues. Apologies for the detail here (but I've never been one to shirk the detail!), but we had sex four times the first cycle and five times the second. However, and this is the clincher, hubby only ejaculated once. Once. ONCE. Granted, I do think that worked but I somehow lost it (read the details here) but that's not the point. He cannot get to where he needs to. The sex is very enjoyable but something just doesn't work for him; he says he enjoys it, finds me sexually attractive and desperately wants it to work. It works when he's by himself (!) but for whatever reason when he is with me he might get close but doesn't actually get there.

Beyond frustrating for both of us. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to be getting laid so often! Genuinely. The only trouble is now it's not just about getting laid, things need to happen otherwise I'm just not going to get pregnant. So the decision has been made, we've phoned our local fertility clinic and made an appointment. I love the NHS but they won't do anything for us now bearing in mind my age and even if they could I'm not sure we could wait for a referral, again due to my age. So our first appointment is booked (at quite the cost, even for just an 'Initial Consultation' as they call it) for a couple of weeks' time and we'll see where we go from there.

Now, I don't want to sound horrendously naive about this but I'm really hoping all we'll need is IUI. I mean, we've both already had countless tests done and we were both fine. Admittedly all my invasive tests were last done in 2013 but I had a load of blood tests done again in 2017 when I was considering my options. However I've read on their website that IUI only has a 10-15% success rate per cycle. Really?! Is that it? I genuinely thought it would be higher. That seems terribly low........

I've also now printed out the myriad of forms we need to fill in before we even get to the appointment. Consent to use of email, patient history form, patient registration form, terms and conditions acceptance form, HFEA consent to disclose information, HFEA welfare of the child form and on and on and on. Now, I know for most of you none of this is going to be new but holy hell - so many forms. SO much detail. And then it consumes me. This just isn't fair. People fall pregnant at the drop of a hat, so many might not get pregnant that easily but do fall eventually. I genuinely do realise that it's a totally self-absorbed point of view but I can't help it. I know a lot of you have gone through far more or at the very least started this process ages ago and are no doubt rolling your eyes to my reaction as you've been there, done that and got the proverbial t-shirt. But I just can't help thinking that we've been through so much already to get to this point, we so desperately want children, we'd make great parents. The pain is just unbearable.

To top it all off we've just had Mother's Day (or Mothering Sunday as I prefer to call it, you don't have to be a 'mother' to be 'mothering' - if you get my drift) in the UK and, as usual, I'm surrounded by reminders of the fact I don't have children. My own mother knows nothing of this, I'm not sure I want to tell her to be honest due to the relationship I have with her. I love her dearly but I couldn't stand her fussing and asking questions, not least because she doesn't know hubby and I back together! She knows that I am currently the happiest I have been in a very very very long time (despite this post, that is true, there's just one thing missing......) but always questions me to ask why. I can't tell her, I will one day. I think it all depends on how this appointment goes to be honest. Without meaning to sound like a complete coward (or, again, naive) if it looks like things could happen quite quickly then I'll hold off - I'd rather tell my family as and when I have 'additional' news. But if this is going to drag out for months (which I think is likely, sadly) I'm just going to have to come out with it at some point. And sooner rather than later to get it over with I think. Urgh.

Loss

I've been told I can be quite cold hearted. That I don't actually *need* anyone else, and to a certain extent that's true. I've always been more than happy with my own company. In the years in my 20s when I was single I had no issue at all traveling by myself (long distance, not just within the UK), going to football games and gigs by myself and generally enjoying my own company. I am incredibly self-sufficient, I don't need anyone else in my life. Don't get me wrong, I have fabulous friends and I love hanging out with them. But I've just never been one that couldn't cope on her own. I more than cope, I thrive.

My mum I love dearly but we're very very very different people and, to be honest, the vast majority of the time she annoys the living crap out of me. I know the reasons she behaves why she does, it's to do with her childhood, so I do not blame her at all but nevertheless I'm not entirely sure I'll mourn her passing. Apologies if that sounds blunt but there you go. My father I absolutely adore, but due to his illness the man I knew as my father I said goodbye to at least a year ago - if not longer. If he had died two years ago I would have been lost, totally and utterly drowned in my own grief. But now? Now is a different story. I'm not entirely sure I'd mourn his passing either.

Therefore it has slightly sideswiped me when the mother of one of my closest friends died at the weekend. She had been ill for some time but I still refused to fully accept she was as ill as she was. I always thought she'd come back, she was a wonderful woman and so so strong. Funny, generous and I loved her desperately. In some ways I loved her more than my own mother. I have a bond with my mother that no one else can replace, I know that, but I have never had the relationship with my mother that I had with this woman. I would walk into her house and she'd treat me like one of her daughters (she had two of her own, the eldest I have been friends with for almost 20 years now). She didn't live locally, she was over 200 miles away, but I saw her as often as I could. I, obviously, now wish I had seen her more. I'd walk in and she'd just poor me a glass of wine, my own mother constantly lectures me about how much I drink and the drinking problem that she perceives I have. This woman would never ever judge me, my own mother - despite always saying she was coming to see me and not my house, would always turn her nose up when she walked through my door if the place was anything other than pristine. Which I don't think it ever was.

I have not yet experienced loss like this. I had lost all my grandparents by the age of 24. My dad only had his mum when I was born and she died when I was 12 so I don't think I was old enough to even understand what was going on. My mum's parents died within a year of each other in my early twenties and I was never that close to them. Partly because they lived 80 miles away and partly because, by my adulthood, I was well aware of what they'd put my mum through and I wasn't sure I actually liked them. I didn't particularly grieve either of those passings. My dad's sister, also my godmother, died in 2015. She was ten years older than my father and almost felt like a surrogate grandmother. Up until now, it had been her death that had affected me the most. But even that grief has not hit me like this has.

She has two daughters in their thirties, one with a three year old. I feel guilty for feeling as I do. What right to I have to feel this hurt and this loss, this grief that is ripping my insides apart, when she has closer family than I. I don't want to tread on her daughters' toes, I don't want to assume my place in her life meant more to her than someone else's. It's something I'm grappling with, it is not my mother. It is not someone I saw frequently (altho that was more geography, I'm now wishing I had seen her so much more than I managed to. I hadn't seen her for eighteen months). But I can't help how I feel. I don't want to feel I'm taking the spotlight, which I know is a crass way of putting it but I hope you know what I mean. Despite how I feel it is not my mother who has passed.

There is a part of me that thinks that a life has to leave this world for another to be created. And, whilst my body is seriously fucking me around this month, it's still possible that I'm pregnant (we won't find out for definite for at least another week or two) and all I could think was why her. If you had to take someone to make the space for a new life could you not have taken someone else??!? But then if I am going to be granted my miracle child, surely someone as special as this lady (and oh my god was she special) has to be the one to make way.

But I miss her. SO much. I just want to hear her voice one more time, her laugh. I want her to hug me, squeeze me. Just once more.

Endgame

Well, the blue pills are still working. No doubt about that one!! And if you'd offered me the sex life we have now (altho I'd still like it a bit more frequently admittedly, but fact is we're still living apart and I'm out most evenings in the week at the moment) two years ago I would have bitten your arm off for it. Literally probably!! But this is not two years ago. This is now. And I'm less then six months to the age of 40.

Yes, the pills are working. Yes, we're having sex. But there is still one thing missing that needs to happen if we're going to conceive. Please don't make me say it...… But yes, we're not getting 'endgame'. He's not getting to the point he needs to to be able to do what we need to do. We're not sure why, never used to be a problem. Yet again, something else gets taken away just as another puzzle piece falls in to place.

But then it happened. On an evening when I was due to ovulate the following day. Perfect timing! I didn't want to get my hopes up but it was the closest we'd ever made it timings wise. I tried not to think about it. But then I felt myself ovulate the following day as planned (yes yes I know, I'm a freak. I've always been able to feel it) and over the course of the next week there was more twinges. As if things were fusing together, things were changing. I could feel it. It was the weirdest thing. I noticed hormonal changes that I wouldn't usually have at that particular time in my cycle. I wanted to ignore it but the little voice in the back of my head just got louder and louder 'you're pregnant, you're pregnant'. Absolutely absurd, I had no proof of this other than knowing what I was feeling within my own body. But I couldn't shut the voice up. I tried to tell myself I was just being positive, that I knew it was unlikely to have happened and I knew I needed to ignore the voice for another few weeks. But it got harder and harder.

Then I went out with my mum to an exhibition, ten days after hubby and I had finally got there. And all of a sudden something changed, I felt something detach. I knew I'd lost it. The voice was silent and no matter how hard I tried to hear it it just wasn't there anymore. I wanted the ground to just open up and swallow me. But there I was, out for the day with my mum. Who, of course, knows absolutely nothing (despite constantly asking me a hundred questions and it's getting harder and harder to fob her off. I mean, why does she NEED to know everything??!?). I waited until I got home. I cried. And I have not stopped. Again, absurd. Can you mourn for the loss of something you didn't actually know for certain that you had in the first place? But it felt like I did know, even though I couldn't have done. A different kind of endgame. And so now I just wait for it to be confirmed.

Let's See How Deep The Rabbit Hole Goes

Now, Christmas. And yes, I realise it is now February! But still, I didn't really manage to snap out of my Grinchness (which you can read about here) sadly and work, as usual, was nuts in January. So. The weekend before Christmas was lovely, hubby and I went out for the day on the Saturday and we also spent Christmas Eve together. I opened up to him about how I was feeling over a drink on Christmas Eve, told him that I'd come to a realisation and that I was not at all in the Christmas spirit per se but as a Christian I was absolutely ready to celebrate Christ's birth. I said that I found this a very strange but lovely place to be and it gave me very mixed feelings. He promptly suggested we walk to the local church later for midnight mass. I was so touched and it was a wonderful service, just what I needed.

Christmas Day itself was spent volunteering at a centre giving Christmas lunch to those that wouldn't otherwise have had it (elderly that were alone, homeless, families on food banks) and again, it was very enjoyable. Boxing Day was also much better than I thought it would ever be. Sister-in-law was on good form (well, good for her.....) and the kids were brilliant. Even my brother seemed to be a in a good mood! So the next evening, admittedly after a couple of glasses of wine, I texted her about the fact she still hadn't unblocked me on FB. It had been over six months now, I said, and I was getting more and more embarrassed that I was keeping up with the kids by relying on my parents taking screenshots of the things she was posting and sending them to me. She went on about how she couldn't do it on her phone, she had to be on a desktop. Well, said I, you managed to do it in the first place so please - I'd like to be able to see what you post. Her response was the same, she needed a desktop and it was a banned site at work so she couldn't do it. I snapped, said I'd unfriend her and add her back again and hopefully that would reset it. So I took her off my FB, and there was not the option to add her back. Clearly the fact I'm on her blocked list means I can't even add her as a friend. To be honest it's a bit of a relief. We don't have to pretend anymore and the ball is absolutely in her court.

Christmas for hubby and I on the, erm, 'getting back in the saddle' department was mixed. There were urges and opportunity but what needed to happen for us to get back into said saddle didn't happen. Or did, but then promptly disappeared again. Beyond frustrating, as you can imagine. It was as if now that we are very much back on track someone has said "brilliant, well done for getting everything else sorted and getting it all back together. Oh, but by the way we're now going to take this away from you." Gah! But, as if to prove just how much he's changed, hubby dealt with it brilliantly. Knew immediately that something wasn't right, made an appointment at the docs for blood tests (which have since all come back clear so who knows) and placed an order for some blue tablets. Which work.

* and yes, I am well aware of the inaccuracy of my Matrix quote. I just like the sentiment, it's not my fault the pills I'm talking about are blue not red :D

Grinch, Bah Humbug and Grrrrrrrr...............

I am usually a festive person, really I am. Even last year, despite the events of the months previous, I looked forward to Christmas and enjoyed it more than I thought I would (the black clouds - here - came a month or so later). I am intrinsically a sunshine person (as in the type of weather, I'm not sure my nearest and dearest would describe me as a sunshine person) and yet there has always been something wonderful about snuggling inside when it's cold and dark outside, looking at twinkly decorations and putting on thousands of layers to go outside for a walk. The fresh cold air on my cheeks, the clear blue skies, the leaves to kick, the hot chocolate and mulled wine to drink. Being grateful for things, for what we have, being aware of those less fortunate and generally being of good cheer. But not this year. And I have no idea why.

It started in the last week of November, I had the most horrendous PMT (which, obviously, put me in a bad mood anyway now we are where we are) and I spent a week genuinely not knowing if I wanted to scream from the top of my lungs, violently break things, collapse into a heap sobbing or if I just wanted someone to hug me and not let go. Keeping those emotions in check at work was exhausting, fighting the urge to talk to/treat people the way I wanted to was just so draining. How I went the week without punching someone I do not know. My period came and went, but I still feel the same moving into December. I still have that massive sense of anger and right alongside it the feeling that I just want to cry. And I don't know why.

Well, I have an inkling. And it's quite pathetic really. My life just isn't what I thought it would be, I'm 40 next year. Maybe that's it. The first of my friends have started to turn 40 and so maybe that realisation is what's doing it, although I'm not convinced. Turning 40 itself really doesn't bother me, honestly it doesn't. What it does do however, is herald the decade where my fertility is about to decline massively. If it hasn't started doing that already. So maybe it's the realisation that my baby making years are disappearing more rapidly than I would like, rather than the birthday itself.

Either way things are, mainly, looking up. I moved house in September and so am no longer in my flat which held all the memories and had all the niggling things that annoyed me. But, does the new place feel like home? Not one bit. Don't get me wrong I know I will love it, it has masses of potential and I love the location and the property itself but I'm nowhere near finished unpacking, I hate the decor and there is just crap EVERYWHERE. That can be fixed, but it's not helping my current mind set. Yes, I could have spent some time on my house instead of going on holiday in October but you know what, I wanted a holiday! So we are where we are.

My family are also completely and utterly doing my head in. I love them all desperately but the only one I could ever really enjoy spending lots of time with is my dad, and now he's not well he's not the same person. My mum is claustrophobically nosey. In a heart-is-in-the-right-place way, but my God why does she need to know EVERYTHING??!???! She doesn't. And it pisses me off that she asks so many questions and is in touch with me so frequently. Sometimes I just want to be left alone. Which I am well aware makes me sound completely heartless. Can you tell I'm hormonal?!

Then there's my brother and sister-in-law. I love the kids so much, I do, but I don't like spending time with them. I know they don't like me, I wish they'd just be adult enough to say that and then we can all just get on with things. She still hasn't unblocked me on FB and she's recently defriended my best friend so I have no way now of seeing what she's put up there. I broached it with my brother in September and his answer was 'what do you want me to do, it's not as if she's done it on purpose'. Which, having done some research, I have worked out that that's exactly what she's done. The restrictions she's placed on me are things you cannot just do by accident.

And now mum wants us all to go on holiday together. Really?!? Is it just the hormones making me react like this? How many other 40 year olds (as I will be when she wants us all to go) go away with their parents?!?!?! I don't want to go but I've said I will as I know it's what mum wants. It feels like it just exaggerates my situation. Which is ridiculous as all my mum wants is for us to all spend some time together whilst we still can bearing in mind how old they are and how ill my dad is, but the thought of being away with all of them doesn't bear thinking about. I'm sure in time I'll be grateful and the holiday itself will be lovely but right now I just couldn't give less of a flying fig about it.

Then there's the inevitable fall out of the announcement I need to make early next year. How they will feel when I tell them hubby and I are back together I have no idea. Well, I have an inkling....... But, quite frankly, right now I couldn't care less. Right now I want nothing to do with any of them. Altho to be honest right now I want nothing to do with anyone. At all. In the world. Ever.

What a Difference a Year Makes

**warning - post contains explicit content**

Not sure why I wrote that to be honest. I've never warned before when I've been explicit and I've never been anything but completely honest on here but hey ho! Consider yourselves warned ;)

Well. The holiday was AMAZING. It took us a few days, and a change of rooms, to settle in but it really was the honeymoon we should have had. Don't get me wrong, the honeymoon we actually had seven years ago was decent enough. His parents had kindly given us money for it which would either have covered a luxury break short haul or a cheap break long haul and we went for the latter. Plus hubby got salmonella whilst we were there so, you know, not quite the honeymoon of our dreams. But this. THIS. Wow.

The hotel is stunning. It's more of a resort really (you can read all about it here when I posted about our trip there last year) and the weather was glorious. I was expecting some rain as it is the season for it over there really, last year we had a whole day and two afternoons washed out, but apart from a couple of hours one afternoon that was it this year. Hot hot hot the rest of the time. And the weather wasn't the only thing that was hot! Having mentioned before when we were having our issues that hubby doesn't have any particular, erm, 'thing' when it comes to bedroom activities (hence having nothing in my arsenal when we were attempting to fix the problem) it turns out that there are actually a couple of things that do work for us! Ready?!

Now, the hotel had two porn channels. Whilst I won't deny I have watched porn in the past, whenever we've watched it together it has mainly been to laugh about how unrealistic the whole thing is. I've also never been one for the way women are often portrayed, it's got better but a lot of the time it seems to be women being subservient to men which is so not my thing nor my general attitude to life. Plus it's just inherently naff! So it's not really ever done anything for me. One of the porn channels was all that kinda stuff we've always just laughed at but the other channel was the Playboy channel and they had a programme about couples who are swingers. Now, that does not float my boat let me just say that loud and clear! But the, shall we say, 'activities' the programme showed all the couples doing were much more natural and much more akin to what I'd imagine most of the population gets up to. And yes, that did work for us!!

The second thing that worked was some new threads I got myself. I'm not even entirely sure how I found out about this company to be honest but I don't care! Rather than try to explain (!) what these threads are I shall tell you the company's name instead - Bluebella. They sell classy but exciting underwear, and I shall leave it there. But again, it did the trick!! So, we really did have the most magical time once we'd got over the jet lag and switched to a better room. Not just because the resort was amazing and the weather gorgeous but because we enjoyed ourselves and each other too. Plus I ate my body-weight in guacamole, every box ticked.

Because of the stress of moving house my previous period had arrived a full week early which meant that we were only just in the window whilst we were away, if it had been on time it would have been a different story but hey - these things are never simple are they?! I was so convinced we'd managed to do it and it would be a wonderful story to tell (not to mention make coming clean to family in the new year more palatable) but no, period arrived bang on time the week after we got back. So I went out and bought a lot of very unhealthy food. Oops. How could I have forgotten how heart-wrenching this rollercoaster is?! I don't think I forgot to be fair, I think I'd blocked it out and it all just came flooding back. I was so sure my period wouldn't start, I hadn't had many of my usual pre-menstrual symptoms (but then again I had also had horrendous jet leg so, you know, who knows) and I'd just convinced myself it had happened. But, to be honest, why on earth should I have expected it to happen so easily after everything that has gone before it!! Ha :D It never was going to be that easy. Altho there we are, officially trying again. So who knows.