I've been told I can be quite cold hearted. That I don't actually *need* anyone else, and to a certain extent that's true. I've always been more than happy with my own company. In the years in my 20s when I was single I had no issue at all traveling by myself (long distance, not just within the UK), going to football games and gigs by myself and generally enjoying my own company. I am incredibly self-sufficient, I don't need anyone else in my life. Don't get me wrong, I have fabulous friends and I love hanging out with them. But I've just never been one that couldn't cope on her own. I more than cope, I thrive.
My mum I love dearly but we're very very very different people and, to be honest, the vast majority of the time she annoys the living crap out of me. I know the reasons she behaves why she does, it's to do with her childhood, so I do not blame her at all but nevertheless I'm not entirely sure I'll mourn her passing. Apologies if that sounds blunt but there you go. My father I absolutely adore, but due to his illness the man I knew as my father I said goodbye to at least a year ago - if not longer. If he had died two years ago I would have been lost, totally and utterly drowned in my own grief. But now? Now is a different story. I'm not entirely sure I'd mourn his passing either.
Therefore it has slightly sideswiped me when the mother of one of my closest friends died at the weekend. She had been ill for some time but I still refused to fully accept she was as ill as she was. I always thought she'd come back, she was a wonderful woman and so so strong. Funny, generous and I loved her desperately. In some ways I loved her more than my own mother. I have a bond with my mother that no one else can replace, I know that, but I have never had the relationship with my mother that I had with this woman. I would walk into her house and she'd treat me like one of her daughters (she had two of her own, the eldest I have been friends with for almost 20 years now). She didn't live locally, she was over 200 miles away, but I saw her as often as I could. I, obviously, now wish I had seen her more. I'd walk in and she'd just poor me a glass of wine, my own mother constantly lectures me about how much I drink and the drinking problem that she perceives I have. This woman would never ever judge me, my own mother - despite always saying she was coming to see me and not my house, would always turn her nose up when she walked through my door if the place was anything other than pristine. Which I don't think it ever was.
I have not yet experienced loss like this. I had lost all my grandparents by the age of 24. My dad only had his mum when I was born and she died when I was 12 so I don't think I was old enough to even understand what was going on. My mum's parents died within a year of each other in my early twenties and I was never that close to them. Partly because they lived 80 miles away and partly because, by my adulthood, I was well aware of what they'd put my mum through and I wasn't sure I actually liked them. I didn't particularly grieve either of those passings. My dad's sister, also my godmother, died in 2015. She was ten years older than my father and almost felt like a surrogate grandmother. Up until now, it had been her death that had affected me the most. But even that grief has not hit me like this has.
She has two daughters in their thirties, one with a three year old. I feel guilty for feeling as I do. What right to I have to feel this hurt and this loss, this grief that is ripping my insides apart, when she has closer family than I. I don't want to tread on her daughters' toes, I don't want to assume my place in her life meant more to her than someone else's. It's something I'm grappling with, it is not my mother. It is not someone I saw frequently (altho that was more geography, I'm now wishing I had seen her so much more than I managed to. I hadn't seen her for eighteen months). But I can't help how I feel. I don't want to feel I'm taking the spotlight, which I know is a crass way of putting it but I hope you know what I mean. Despite how I feel it is not my mother who has passed.
There is a part of me that thinks that a life has to leave this world for another to be created. And, whilst my body is seriously fucking me around this month, it's still possible that I'm pregnant (we won't find out for definite for at least another week or two) and all I could think was why her. If you had to take someone to make the space for a new life could you not have taken someone else??!? But then if I am going to be granted my miracle child, surely someone as special as this lady (and oh my god was she special) has to be the one to make way.
But I miss her. SO much. I just want to hear her voice one more time, her laugh. I want her to hug me, squeeze me. Just once more.
Monday, 25 February 2019
Friday, 22 February 2019
Endgame
Well, the blue pills are still working. No doubt about that one!! And if you'd offered me the sex life we have now (altho I'd still like it a bit more frequently admittedly, but fact is we're still living apart and I'm out most evenings in the week at the moment) two years ago I would have bitten your arm off for it. Literally probably!! But this is not two years ago. This is now. And I'm less then six months to the age of 40.
Yes, the pills are working. Yes, we're having sex. But there is still one thing missing that needs to happen if we're going to conceive. Please don't make me say it...… But yes, we're not getting 'endgame'. He's not getting to the point he needs to to be able to do what we need to do. We're not sure why, never used to be a problem. Yet again, something else gets taken away just as another puzzle piece falls in to place.
But then it happened. On an evening when I was due to ovulate the following day. Perfect timing! I didn't want to get my hopes up but it was the closest we'd ever made it timings wise. I tried not to think about it. But then I felt myself ovulate the following day as planned (yes yes I know, I'm a freak. I've always been able to feel it) and over the course of the next week there was more twinges. As if things were fusing together, things were changing. I could feel it. It was the weirdest thing. I noticed hormonal changes that I wouldn't usually have at that particular time in my cycle. I wanted to ignore it but the little voice in the back of my head just got louder and louder 'you're pregnant, you're pregnant'. Absolutely absurd, I had no proof of this other than knowing what I was feeling within my own body. But I couldn't shut the voice up. I tried to tell myself I was just being positive, that I knew it was unlikely to have happened and I knew I needed to ignore the voice for another few weeks. But it got harder and harder.
Then I went out with my mum to an exhibition, ten days after hubby and I had finally got there. And all of a sudden something changed, I felt something detach. I knew I'd lost it. The voice was silent and no matter how hard I tried to hear it it just wasn't there anymore. I wanted the ground to just open up and swallow me. But there I was, out for the day with my mum. Who, of course, knows absolutely nothing (despite constantly asking me a hundred questions and it's getting harder and harder to fob her off. I mean, why does she NEED to know everything??!?). I waited until I got home. I cried. And I have not stopped. Again, absurd. Can you mourn for the loss of something you didn't actually know for certain that you had in the first place? But it felt like I did know, even though I couldn't have done. A different kind of endgame. And so now I just wait for it to be confirmed.
Yes, the pills are working. Yes, we're having sex. But there is still one thing missing that needs to happen if we're going to conceive. Please don't make me say it...… But yes, we're not getting 'endgame'. He's not getting to the point he needs to to be able to do what we need to do. We're not sure why, never used to be a problem. Yet again, something else gets taken away just as another puzzle piece falls in to place.
But then it happened. On an evening when I was due to ovulate the following day. Perfect timing! I didn't want to get my hopes up but it was the closest we'd ever made it timings wise. I tried not to think about it. But then I felt myself ovulate the following day as planned (yes yes I know, I'm a freak. I've always been able to feel it) and over the course of the next week there was more twinges. As if things were fusing together, things were changing. I could feel it. It was the weirdest thing. I noticed hormonal changes that I wouldn't usually have at that particular time in my cycle. I wanted to ignore it but the little voice in the back of my head just got louder and louder 'you're pregnant, you're pregnant'. Absolutely absurd, I had no proof of this other than knowing what I was feeling within my own body. But I couldn't shut the voice up. I tried to tell myself I was just being positive, that I knew it was unlikely to have happened and I knew I needed to ignore the voice for another few weeks. But it got harder and harder.
Then I went out with my mum to an exhibition, ten days after hubby and I had finally got there. And all of a sudden something changed, I felt something detach. I knew I'd lost it. The voice was silent and no matter how hard I tried to hear it it just wasn't there anymore. I wanted the ground to just open up and swallow me. But there I was, out for the day with my mum. Who, of course, knows absolutely nothing (despite constantly asking me a hundred questions and it's getting harder and harder to fob her off. I mean, why does she NEED to know everything??!?). I waited until I got home. I cried. And I have not stopped. Again, absurd. Can you mourn for the loss of something you didn't actually know for certain that you had in the first place? But it felt like I did know, even though I couldn't have done. A different kind of endgame. And so now I just wait for it to be confirmed.
Monday, 4 February 2019
Let's See How Deep The Rabbit Hole Goes
Now, Christmas. And yes, I realise it is now February! But still, I didn't really manage to snap out of my Grinchness (which you can read about here) sadly and work, as usual, was nuts in January. So. The weekend before Christmas was lovely, hubby and I went out for the day on the Saturday and we also spent Christmas Eve together. I opened up to him about how I was feeling over a drink on Christmas Eve, told him that I'd come to a realisation and that I was not at all in the Christmas spirit per se but as a Christian I was absolutely ready to celebrate Christ's birth. I said that I found this a very strange but lovely place to be and it gave me very mixed feelings. He promptly suggested we walk to the local church later for midnight mass. I was so touched and it was a wonderful service, just what I needed.
Christmas Day itself was spent volunteering at a centre giving Christmas lunch to those that wouldn't otherwise have had it (elderly that were alone, homeless, families on food banks) and again, it was very enjoyable. Boxing Day was also much better than I thought it would ever be. Sister-in-law was on good form (well, good for her.....) and the kids were brilliant. Even my brother seemed to be a in a good mood! So the next evening, admittedly after a couple of glasses of wine, I texted her about the fact she still hadn't unblocked me on FB. It had been over six months now, I said, and I was getting more and more embarrassed that I was keeping up with the kids by relying on my parents taking screenshots of the things she was posting and sending them to me. She went on about how she couldn't do it on her phone, she had to be on a desktop. Well, said I, you managed to do it in the first place so please - I'd like to be able to see what you post. Her response was the same, she needed a desktop and it was a banned site at work so she couldn't do it. I snapped, said I'd unfriend her and add her back again and hopefully that would reset it. So I took her off my FB, and there was not the option to add her back. Clearly the fact I'm on her blocked list means I can't even add her as a friend. To be honest it's a bit of a relief. We don't have to pretend anymore and the ball is absolutely in her court.
Christmas for hubby and I on the, erm, 'getting back in the saddle' department was mixed. There were urges and opportunity but what needed to happen for us to get back into said saddle didn't happen. Or did, but then promptly disappeared again. Beyond frustrating, as you can imagine. It was as if now that we are very much back on track someone has said "brilliant, well done for getting everything else sorted and getting it all back together. Oh, but by the way we're now going to take this away from you." Gah! But, as if to prove just how much he's changed, hubby dealt with it brilliantly. Knew immediately that something wasn't right, made an appointment at the docs for blood tests (which have since all come back clear so who knows) and placed an order for some blue tablets. Which work.
* and yes, I am well aware of the inaccuracy of my Matrix quote. I just like the sentiment, it's not my fault the pills I'm talking about are blue not red :D
Christmas Day itself was spent volunteering at a centre giving Christmas lunch to those that wouldn't otherwise have had it (elderly that were alone, homeless, families on food banks) and again, it was very enjoyable. Boxing Day was also much better than I thought it would ever be. Sister-in-law was on good form (well, good for her.....) and the kids were brilliant. Even my brother seemed to be a in a good mood! So the next evening, admittedly after a couple of glasses of wine, I texted her about the fact she still hadn't unblocked me on FB. It had been over six months now, I said, and I was getting more and more embarrassed that I was keeping up with the kids by relying on my parents taking screenshots of the things she was posting and sending them to me. She went on about how she couldn't do it on her phone, she had to be on a desktop. Well, said I, you managed to do it in the first place so please - I'd like to be able to see what you post. Her response was the same, she needed a desktop and it was a banned site at work so she couldn't do it. I snapped, said I'd unfriend her and add her back again and hopefully that would reset it. So I took her off my FB, and there was not the option to add her back. Clearly the fact I'm on her blocked list means I can't even add her as a friend. To be honest it's a bit of a relief. We don't have to pretend anymore and the ball is absolutely in her court.
Christmas for hubby and I on the, erm, 'getting back in the saddle' department was mixed. There were urges and opportunity but what needed to happen for us to get back into said saddle didn't happen. Or did, but then promptly disappeared again. Beyond frustrating, as you can imagine. It was as if now that we are very much back on track someone has said "brilliant, well done for getting everything else sorted and getting it all back together. Oh, but by the way we're now going to take this away from you." Gah! But, as if to prove just how much he's changed, hubby dealt with it brilliantly. Knew immediately that something wasn't right, made an appointment at the docs for blood tests (which have since all come back clear so who knows) and placed an order for some blue tablets. Which work.
* and yes, I am well aware of the inaccuracy of my Matrix quote. I just like the sentiment, it's not my fault the pills I'm talking about are blue not red :D
Friday, 7 December 2018
Grinch, Bah Humbug and Grrrrrrrr...............
It started in the last week of November, I had the most horrendous PMT (which, obviously, put me in a bad mood anyway now we are where we are) and I spent a week genuinely not knowing if I wanted to scream from the top of my lungs, violently break things, collapse into a heap sobbing or if I just wanted someone to hug me and not let go. Keeping those emotions in check at work was exhausting, fighting the urge to talk to/treat people the way I wanted to was just so draining. How I went the week without punching someone I do not know. My period came and went, but I still feel the same moving into December. I still have that massive sense of anger and right alongside it the feeling that I just want to cry. And I don't know why.
Either way things are, mainly, looking up. I moved house in September and so am no longer in my flat which held all the memories and had all the niggling things that annoyed me. But, does the new place feel like home? Not one bit. Don't get me wrong I know I will love it, it has masses of potential and I love the location and the property itself but I'm nowhere near finished unpacking, I hate the decor and there is just crap EVERYWHERE. That can be fixed, but it's not helping my current mind set. Yes, I could have spent some time on my house instead of going on holiday in October but you know what, I wanted a holiday! So we are where we are.
My family are also completely and utterly doing my head in. I love them all desperately but the only one I could ever really enjoy spending lots of time with is my dad, and now he's not well he's not the same person. My mum is claustrophobically nosey. In a heart-is-in-the-right-place way, but my God why does she need to know EVERYTHING??!???! She doesn't. And it pisses me off that she asks so many questions and is in touch with me so frequently. Sometimes I just want to be left alone. Which I am well aware makes me sound completely heartless. Can you tell I'm hormonal?!
Then there's my brother and sister-in-law. I love the kids so much, I do, but I don't like spending time with them. I know they don't like me, I wish they'd just be adult enough to say that and then we can all just get on with things. She still hasn't unblocked me on FB and she's recently defriended my best friend so I have no way now of seeing what she's put up there. I broached it with my brother in September and his answer was 'what do you want me to do, it's not as if she's done it on purpose'. Which, having done some research, I have worked out that that's exactly what she's done. The restrictions she's placed on me are things you cannot just do by accident.
And now mum wants us all to go on holiday together. Really?!? Is it just the hormones making me react like this? How many other 40 year olds (as I will be when she wants us all to go) go away with their parents?!?!?! I don't want to go but I've said I will as I know it's what mum wants. It feels like it just exaggerates my situation. Which is ridiculous as all my mum wants is for us to all spend some time together whilst we still can bearing in mind how old they are and how ill my dad is, but the thought of being away with all of them doesn't bear thinking about. I'm sure in time I'll be grateful and the holiday itself will be lovely but right now I just couldn't give less of a flying fig about it.
Then there's the inevitable fall out of the announcement I need to make early next year. How they will feel when I tell them hubby and I are back together I have no idea. Well, I have an inkling....... But, quite frankly, right now I couldn't care less. Right now I want nothing to do with any of them. Altho to be honest right now I want nothing to do with anyone. At all. In the world. Ever.
Friday, 9 November 2018
What a Difference a Year Makes
**warning - post contains explicit content**
Not sure why I wrote that to be honest. I've never warned before when I've been explicit and I've never been anything but completely honest on here but hey ho! Consider yourselves warned ;)
Well. The holiday was AMAZING. It took us a few days, and a change of rooms, to settle in but it really was the honeymoon we should have had. Don't get me wrong, the honeymoon we actually had seven years ago was decent enough. His parents had kindly given us money for it which would either have covered a luxury break short haul or a cheap break long haul and we went for the latter. Plus hubby got salmonella whilst we were there so, you know, not quite the honeymoon of our dreams. But this. THIS. Wow.
The hotel is stunning. It's more of a resort really (you can read all about it here when I posted about our trip there last year) and the weather was glorious. I was expecting some rain as it is the season for it over there really, last year we had a whole day and two afternoons washed out, but apart from a couple of hours one afternoon that was it this year. Hot hot hot the rest of the time. And the weather wasn't the only thing that was hot! Having mentioned before when we were having our issues that hubby doesn't have any particular, erm, 'thing' when it comes to bedroom activities (hence having nothing in my arsenal when we were attempting to fix the problem) it turns out that there are actually a couple of things that do work for us! Ready?!
Now, the hotel had two porn channels. Whilst I won't deny I have watched porn in the past, whenever we've watched it together it has mainly been to laugh about how unrealistic the whole thing is. I've also never been one for the way women are often portrayed, it's got better but a lot of the time it seems to be women being subservient to men which is so not my thing nor my general attitude to life. Plus it's just inherently naff! So it's not really ever done anything for me. One of the porn channels was all that kinda stuff we've always just laughed at but the other channel was the Playboy channel and they had a programme about couples who are swingers. Now, that does not float my boat let me just say that loud and clear! But the, shall we say, 'activities' the programme showed all the couples doing were much more natural and much more akin to what I'd imagine most of the population gets up to. And yes, that did work for us!!
The second thing that worked was some new threads I got myself. I'm not even entirely sure how I found out about this company to be honest but I don't care! Rather than try to explain (!) what these threads are I shall tell you the company's name instead - Bluebella. They sell classy but exciting underwear, and I shall leave it there. But again, it did the trick!! So, we really did have the most magical time once we'd got over the jet lag and switched to a better room. Not just because the resort was amazing and the weather gorgeous but because we enjoyed ourselves and each other too. Plus I ate my body-weight in guacamole, every box ticked.
Because of the stress of moving house my previous period had arrived a full week early which meant that we were only just in the window whilst we were away, if it had been on time it would have been a different story but hey - these things are never simple are they?! I was so convinced we'd managed to do it and it would be a wonderful story to tell (not to mention make coming clean to family in the new year more palatable) but no, period arrived bang on time the week after we got back. So I went out and bought a lot of very unhealthy food. Oops. How could I have forgotten how heart-wrenching this rollercoaster is?! I don't think I forgot to be fair, I think I'd blocked it out and it all just came flooding back. I was so sure my period wouldn't start, I hadn't had many of my usual pre-menstrual symptoms (but then again I had also had horrendous jet leg so, you know, who knows) and I'd just convinced myself it had happened. But, to be honest, why on earth should I have expected it to happen so easily after everything that has gone before it!! Ha :D It never was going to be that easy. Altho there we are, officially trying again. So who knows.
Friday, 21 September 2018
Back on Track
I must admit I've been struggling with what to write here now that things seem to be back on track. This blog has always been the place for me to share what's been going wrong, somewhere for me to safely rant, rave and scream (and swear!) about what's going on behind closed doors that no one else knows about. In a weird way, that's still happening - hubby and I have pretty much managed to keep our recoupling between us, but it's all good. So I guess now I post about that rather than all the shit?! Which does make a pretty nice change :)
It's been just over four months now since we decided to give things another shot and I must say, so far so good. We're taking things at our own pace and, weirdly, not living together I think is helping. I'm also getting laid, which again helps!! We've had a few minor hiccups, but he's dealt with them differently to how I believe he would have done a couple of years ago. Hell even one year ago. And whilst I'm not looking at dates, we're not using any form of contraception when we do have sex so who knows.
The only thing that is putting a spanner in the works isn't even to do with him. As you may remember, I have sold my flat and am moving to a new property. The chain involves two properties and three people and it was complete on 28th April yet I STILL haven't moved yet.............. (if any Americans reading this don't know how the UK house sale/purchase process works, google it :D ). I was really hoping it would all be tied up and sorted before my busy time at work in mid-August but I realised I just had to let that go, it'll happen when it happens.
Whilst this is annoying on one level as, as much as I love my flat, I'm ready to leave it behind me and move on, it's also affecting our 'recoupling'. My new place is walking distance from where he now lives and therefore easier to be more, erm, spontaneous. I don't have a sofa at my current place (he took our sofa when he moved out, mum said she's buy me a new one but no point doing that until I've moved) and so it's not quite the same sitting next to each other on camping chairs as it is snuggling on a sofa.
BUT!!! I am finally moving next week. At last it feels like I can move on. The past few weeks have just felt like limbo, like I've been waiting for my life to start. It's no way to live.... I've even lost my sex drive. And yes, I am aware of that irony! I've just been so on edge and grumpy, all the little things that annoy me about where I live and that are the reasons (aside from the obvious!) that I wanted to move seem more pronounced. I can rarely find somewhere to park (new place has off street parking and is in a quiet cul de sac), I have to go up two flights of stairs (new place is ground floor), I get sick of people not closing the door to the block properly and leaving rubbish in communal areas (new place has my own front door and no communal areas). Not long to go though and I really CAN NOT WAIT!
Despite the mass excitement about moving I still feel far too fragile and protective over our fledgling new relationship to let anyone else in, to let anyone else know. I need to make sure he has changed. Four months is still far far far too early, despite all the promising signs. And, to be honest, it's not really fair to judge him on the past three weeks or so when it's been my fault we've not really had sex and I've been really grumpy.
We have booked a holiday though! We're going back to the same place we went to last October, which was after we'd split up but before he'd moved out. We had a wonderful time but the atmosphere between us just wasn't quite right, like there was a black cloud hanging over us and following us around. This time there will be no such cloud. Oh, and my sister-in-law is still gas lighting me and winding me up but who cares. Stupid little cow. My brother is also absolutely apoplectic that hubby and I are going away together. As far as anyone else knows we're just friends and he can't get his head around the fact we still see each other, some of hubby's friends have said the same. But the conversation on that topic with my brother was quite scary - the vitriol he spouted was something else. But I have grown this year. After the horrendous way this year started it seems to be ending pretty well. And after everything I went through with brother and sister-in-law earlier this year I no longer give a damn what they think. It's my life. Fuck 'em. If things do continue to go well I will of course tell the world at some point, early (ish?) next year at my best guess, so until then everyone else will just have to lump it and keep their noses out of my life. I'll deal with that as and when the time comes. At the moment I'm happy, and everything else is crap.
It's been just over four months now since we decided to give things another shot and I must say, so far so good. We're taking things at our own pace and, weirdly, not living together I think is helping. I'm also getting laid, which again helps!! We've had a few minor hiccups, but he's dealt with them differently to how I believe he would have done a couple of years ago. Hell even one year ago. And whilst I'm not looking at dates, we're not using any form of contraception when we do have sex so who knows.
The only thing that is putting a spanner in the works isn't even to do with him. As you may remember, I have sold my flat and am moving to a new property. The chain involves two properties and three people and it was complete on 28th April yet I STILL haven't moved yet.............. (if any Americans reading this don't know how the UK house sale/purchase process works, google it :D ). I was really hoping it would all be tied up and sorted before my busy time at work in mid-August but I realised I just had to let that go, it'll happen when it happens.
Whilst this is annoying on one level as, as much as I love my flat, I'm ready to leave it behind me and move on, it's also affecting our 'recoupling'. My new place is walking distance from where he now lives and therefore easier to be more, erm, spontaneous. I don't have a sofa at my current place (he took our sofa when he moved out, mum said she's buy me a new one but no point doing that until I've moved) and so it's not quite the same sitting next to each other on camping chairs as it is snuggling on a sofa.
BUT!!! I am finally moving next week. At last it feels like I can move on. The past few weeks have just felt like limbo, like I've been waiting for my life to start. It's no way to live.... I've even lost my sex drive. And yes, I am aware of that irony! I've just been so on edge and grumpy, all the little things that annoy me about where I live and that are the reasons (aside from the obvious!) that I wanted to move seem more pronounced. I can rarely find somewhere to park (new place has off street parking and is in a quiet cul de sac), I have to go up two flights of stairs (new place is ground floor), I get sick of people not closing the door to the block properly and leaving rubbish in communal areas (new place has my own front door and no communal areas). Not long to go though and I really CAN NOT WAIT!
Despite the mass excitement about moving I still feel far too fragile and protective over our fledgling new relationship to let anyone else in, to let anyone else know. I need to make sure he has changed. Four months is still far far far too early, despite all the promising signs. And, to be honest, it's not really fair to judge him on the past three weeks or so when it's been my fault we've not really had sex and I've been really grumpy.
We have booked a holiday though! We're going back to the same place we went to last October, which was after we'd split up but before he'd moved out. We had a wonderful time but the atmosphere between us just wasn't quite right, like there was a black cloud hanging over us and following us around. This time there will be no such cloud. Oh, and my sister-in-law is still gas lighting me and winding me up but who cares. Stupid little cow. My brother is also absolutely apoplectic that hubby and I are going away together. As far as anyone else knows we're just friends and he can't get his head around the fact we still see each other, some of hubby's friends have said the same. But the conversation on that topic with my brother was quite scary - the vitriol he spouted was something else. But I have grown this year. After the horrendous way this year started it seems to be ending pretty well. And after everything I went through with brother and sister-in-law earlier this year I no longer give a damn what they think. It's my life. Fuck 'em. If things do continue to go well I will of course tell the world at some point, early (ish?) next year at my best guess, so until then everyone else will just have to lump it and keep their noses out of my life. I'll deal with that as and when the time comes. At the moment I'm happy, and everything else is crap.
Monday, 9 July 2018
Fractious Families - An Update
So. The month of July birthdays was hit and miss rather than truly horrendous but I got through it. My brother did eventually reply to my text about littlest nephew's birthday present, and I got a belated invite to his birthday party at a soft play centre. I went, of course, but naively didn't realise there would be so many newborns there so was in the toilets crying within the first half hour. However, I did manage to spend some time with my niece and both nephews which was lovely. Sister-in-law and her parents, obviously, just completely ignored me. My brother treated me as he usually does. No change there then.
We had also had conversations about meeting up to discuss all of this over the weekend of 7th/8th July, I was free all weekend so offered to be as flexible as they needed me to be to be able to meet up and talk. My brother said he was working late shifts so it would be up to my sister-in-law as she had the kids, so I pluck up the courage to text my sister-in-law the same question and the reply? Ask your brother as he's working. Great. So I texted my brother back and he said we'd talk about it at littlest nephew's birthday party. That obviously didn't happen due to the ensuing chaos of twenty 3 and 4 year olds in a soft play centre so we said we'd talk about it the next day at my birthday lunch. I then went out that evening and had a wonderful wonderful time with friends, so that was something.
The following day was my birthday, and we met up for lunch. It was horrendous. Again, sister-in-law just ignored me completely. My brother didn't really speak to me either. I was sat by myself at the end of the table, in the corner away from everyone else. The boys were great, came over with a present bag and helped me unwrap everything! There was no birthday card from my brother. There was a card from the kids but it was a generic one not an 'Auntie' one. I wasn't really included in conversations. By the end of the meal I was on the verge of tears and eventually plucked up the courage to ask my brother if I was seeing them next weekend to which I got the reply - I'll text you later. And that was it, I lost it. My sunglasses went on and I cried. We were supposed to be going to the park afterwards with the kids to play but my sister-in-law decided it was too hot for the kids so they were just going to go home. I left distraught.
Eventually, it was agreed that I will get to theirs for 9am on Saturday 7th July, so I did. My niece was asleep and the two boys were sat in front of a Disney film - and we talked. My brother played an absolute blinder. He really did. Calm and impartial. He started by explaining, in very calm and measured tones, their views on that Saturday which had started everything off. I let him talk. I did not interrupt. I was already crying at this point so, as calmly as I could, I explained that that Saturday had not been 'just' a beer festival. There had been other factors at play that weekend which I was not about to disclose to them now. I said that I knew that it would make it very difficult for them to believe me but that was that. I would tell them at some point but I couldn't tell them now. I also said that I found it very difficult to be around people that don't like me, that it takes a lot of mental strength for me to do that and sometimes I need to protect myself from that and look after myself.
Sister-in-law then said that she didn't dislike me but her back was up because of, in her mind, how I was treating her children. She then continued with the story of me seeing other people's kids and not playing with her kids. I said that it was because, up until all of this had kicked off, I was genuinely convinced that they didn't actually want me around. That they didn't want me to see the children and that I didn't feel welcome in their house. My brother interjected to ask why I felt like that and we spoke about the different relationships between siblings and each other and between siblings and parents (my parents are far more inclusive in the kids' lives, as are her parents, as they've needed them for babysitting etc. since they were all born) and that how I was often left out of the loop when things were happening - even if it was by accident. So how could I text and ask about how the kids had enjoyed certain things if I didn't know that they were happening?
I explained about my sister-in-law blocking me on FB (which she denied. I actually got my phone out to show them both and she had to back track, claiming she hadn't done anything and it must have just happened) and not accepting my follow requests on Twitter or Instagram. My brother questioned her about this and she got very defensive, then he questioned why I hadn't told him about this sooner if I knew it had happened a while ago. I said, obviously, that I didn't want it to look as if I was slagging of his wife - to which he looked at me and said 'I'll be the judge of that'. He also brought up the fact that when he is working she always spends time with her family and friends and never with our family. He said that that was a habit she had to break, again she didn't look happy. As awkward as that bit was, it was actually lovely as my brother was clearly aware that his wife and I don't get on and never will but also that she has stuff to work on as well as me if this is going to work.
We went round in circles a bit on family history, what the relationship was that they wanted me to have with the kids and the fact that I thought they didn't want me around them. We acknowledged that there had been assumptions on both sides and lots of crossed wires and miscommunication - but at the end of the day we all want the same result so we have to move forward. The whole conversation took an hour. No one raised their voice. Everyone was honest, everyone pre-empted hurtful things with a warning. The only thing that really wound me up was when I was told not to be so downhearted about not having children as there was plenty of time. Their eldest has a friend who was conceived when his mother was 45, Brigitte Nielson has just had a child at 54. When I suggested that either or both of them were likely to be assisted conception and/or egg donation my sister-in-law replied, in a tone that said 'don't be so stupid', no they were both natural......... That's a battle a clearly won't win so I just changed the subject.
I know my sister-in-law and I will never be good friends, but at least I know now that they WANT me in their life. I have been given an opening here and I am NOT letting it go. After I left she took all the kids to the park as my brother got ready to go to work and I texted her the next day to ask how the kids had got on. It took her a while to reply but I got one :) oldest nephew has his sports day on Friday, I will be sending him messages to wish him luck beforehand and I'll try and phone at the weekend to see how he got on. If they want me in the kids' lives there is no stopping me now. I don't care that she is still blocking me on FB, they want me to be in the lives of those kids so I damn well will be!!!!!!!
We had also had conversations about meeting up to discuss all of this over the weekend of 7th/8th July, I was free all weekend so offered to be as flexible as they needed me to be to be able to meet up and talk. My brother said he was working late shifts so it would be up to my sister-in-law as she had the kids, so I pluck up the courage to text my sister-in-law the same question and the reply? Ask your brother as he's working. Great. So I texted my brother back and he said we'd talk about it at littlest nephew's birthday party. That obviously didn't happen due to the ensuing chaos of twenty 3 and 4 year olds in a soft play centre so we said we'd talk about it the next day at my birthday lunch. I then went out that evening and had a wonderful wonderful time with friends, so that was something.
The following day was my birthday, and we met up for lunch. It was horrendous. Again, sister-in-law just ignored me completely. My brother didn't really speak to me either. I was sat by myself at the end of the table, in the corner away from everyone else. The boys were great, came over with a present bag and helped me unwrap everything! There was no birthday card from my brother. There was a card from the kids but it was a generic one not an 'Auntie' one. I wasn't really included in conversations. By the end of the meal I was on the verge of tears and eventually plucked up the courage to ask my brother if I was seeing them next weekend to which I got the reply - I'll text you later. And that was it, I lost it. My sunglasses went on and I cried. We were supposed to be going to the park afterwards with the kids to play but my sister-in-law decided it was too hot for the kids so they were just going to go home. I left distraught.
Eventually, it was agreed that I will get to theirs for 9am on Saturday 7th July, so I did. My niece was asleep and the two boys were sat in front of a Disney film - and we talked. My brother played an absolute blinder. He really did. Calm and impartial. He started by explaining, in very calm and measured tones, their views on that Saturday which had started everything off. I let him talk. I did not interrupt. I was already crying at this point so, as calmly as I could, I explained that that Saturday had not been 'just' a beer festival. There had been other factors at play that weekend which I was not about to disclose to them now. I said that I knew that it would make it very difficult for them to believe me but that was that. I would tell them at some point but I couldn't tell them now. I also said that I found it very difficult to be around people that don't like me, that it takes a lot of mental strength for me to do that and sometimes I need to protect myself from that and look after myself.
Sister-in-law then said that she didn't dislike me but her back was up because of, in her mind, how I was treating her children. She then continued with the story of me seeing other people's kids and not playing with her kids. I said that it was because, up until all of this had kicked off, I was genuinely convinced that they didn't actually want me around. That they didn't want me to see the children and that I didn't feel welcome in their house. My brother interjected to ask why I felt like that and we spoke about the different relationships between siblings and each other and between siblings and parents (my parents are far more inclusive in the kids' lives, as are her parents, as they've needed them for babysitting etc. since they were all born) and that how I was often left out of the loop when things were happening - even if it was by accident. So how could I text and ask about how the kids had enjoyed certain things if I didn't know that they were happening?
I explained about my sister-in-law blocking me on FB (which she denied. I actually got my phone out to show them both and she had to back track, claiming she hadn't done anything and it must have just happened) and not accepting my follow requests on Twitter or Instagram. My brother questioned her about this and she got very defensive, then he questioned why I hadn't told him about this sooner if I knew it had happened a while ago. I said, obviously, that I didn't want it to look as if I was slagging of his wife - to which he looked at me and said 'I'll be the judge of that'. He also brought up the fact that when he is working she always spends time with her family and friends and never with our family. He said that that was a habit she had to break, again she didn't look happy. As awkward as that bit was, it was actually lovely as my brother was clearly aware that his wife and I don't get on and never will but also that she has stuff to work on as well as me if this is going to work.
We went round in circles a bit on family history, what the relationship was that they wanted me to have with the kids and the fact that I thought they didn't want me around them. We acknowledged that there had been assumptions on both sides and lots of crossed wires and miscommunication - but at the end of the day we all want the same result so we have to move forward. The whole conversation took an hour. No one raised their voice. Everyone was honest, everyone pre-empted hurtful things with a warning. The only thing that really wound me up was when I was told not to be so downhearted about not having children as there was plenty of time. Their eldest has a friend who was conceived when his mother was 45, Brigitte Nielson has just had a child at 54. When I suggested that either or both of them were likely to be assisted conception and/or egg donation my sister-in-law replied, in a tone that said 'don't be so stupid', no they were both natural......... That's a battle a clearly won't win so I just changed the subject.
I know my sister-in-law and I will never be good friends, but at least I know now that they WANT me in their life. I have been given an opening here and I am NOT letting it go. After I left she took all the kids to the park as my brother got ready to go to work and I texted her the next day to ask how the kids had got on. It took her a while to reply but I got one :) oldest nephew has his sports day on Friday, I will be sending him messages to wish him luck beforehand and I'll try and phone at the weekend to see how he got on. If they want me in the kids' lives there is no stopping me now. I don't care that she is still blocking me on FB, they want me to be in the lives of those kids so I damn well will be!!!!!!!
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