It has been over seven weeks since we had our horrible discussion about separating (which I wrote about here) and it has been just over five weeks since I wrote about (here) the first appearance of these frustrations. And nothing has changed. Not a thing. Well, except the level of said frustrations which have sky-rocketed to new levels.
It is affecting my sleep. Each night I go to bed, sometimes alone sometimes beside him, and as soon as the light is off and I have turned over to sleep the brain switches on. I have the argument with him in my head. I make my case. And so I am still there at 2am wide awake as my sleepiness has been shattered by my frustrations.
I am intrinsically unhappy. I still love him and he does make me happy, and yet I am unhappy. I love being around him, I love cuddling up to him, holding his hand when we're out. But any attempt at anything further and I get absolutely nowhere. I have stepped up my attempts in the past few weeks and I am still met with the same response. Nothing. How long must this go on for? His shift patterns are due to change in a couple of weeks and we'll get more weekends together. Do I leave it until then to see if that makes a difference? If it doesn't, and I'm genuinely not sure that it will, then one of two things have happened. Either he no longer finds me sexually attractive or he has just lost all interest in sex.
Not meaning to sound arrogant but I doubt it is the former. He makes all the right noises and is happy to kiss and hug me (in that at least I'm not doing all the work!), stares at me as I undress in the evening and pretty much always holds or pats my bum if he walks behind me up stairs. In which case is it definitely the latter? I know his shifts have affected him I really do, but I am less and less buying that as an excuse. He has always been one to like sleep, I don't think there has been a single weekend in all the time that we have been together that he hasn't taken an afternoon nap at some point (that may be a wider issue in itself to be fair). BUT. My brother conceived two children whilst working a similar, if not identical, shift pattern and it's not as if all men in his profession are barren.
I do not want to walk away from this, I want it to work. But as much as he says all the right things the actions are STILL not following. I am not happy. I am not getting any younger either and, apparently, there is nothing wrong with me (!) so as much as I want him to be the father of my children how long do I leave it before I walk away to give me the chance to have children with someone else? Or do I just admit that what we have is pretty special (it really is) and the price to pay for that is a sexless marriage and therefore definitely no children.
I genuinely do not know the answer to that question. I know I can't go on like this for much longer. I want to talk to him about it, but part of me wants to wait until his shifts change and see if that makes a difference. Unfortunately I have a feeling it won't but who knows, maybe I'll be proved wrong. Until then I guess I need to put a lid on the frustrations and try and sleep at night.
Monday, 31 October 2016
Tuesday, 11 October 2016
Monday, 26 September 2016
A Weekend of Two Halves
Well, that was an interesting weekend. It was my Mum's birthday on Saturday, and it's my Dad's birthday this coming week, so we took a family trip to the coast on Saturday. Well, I say family - hubby was working. So the four of us met up for a cuppa first thing before he headed off to work and the three of us headed to the coast to meet up with my brother, sister-in-law and two nephews.
I love my nephews. I cannot put into words how much. In some way they are absolute therapy and respite from where we are - at the same time they are a painful reminder of how long we have been on this road and just how much we are missing out on. But nevertheless I love them so much I could genuinely burst. Eldest nephew has just turned five, he was a bump on our wedding day (hence the reminder of time passed), and littlest nephew was two a couple of months ago. It was the announcement of his imminent arrival (here) that I found very very painful but since he arrived in the world he has brought nothing but joy to both of us. Well, eventually. For the first six months of his life he absolutely screamed when he saw hubby - his glasses and beard absolutely alien to him in his world of clean shaven, non-spectacled men. But since then all has been lovely!
The older they have got the more affectionate they are towards us. And when they finally start to say our names (mine tends to come first, in whatever variation they attempt, as it's an easier name to say than hubby's) our hearts melt. Saturday was prime example of this as littlest nephew has just started to say his own version of my name. There's a severe lack of consonants in what he's calling me, but he knows exactly what he means and so do I. Both boys love the beach, they collect stones and throw them into the sea - running away squealing with excitement when the waves gets just slightly too close to them. For whatever reason there seemed to be a lot of dunes (are they still called dunes on a stony beach?!) and so littlest nephew needed some help going up and down them to get to the sea, he took my hand to do so. Babbling away to me, we made it to the waves and started to throw stones and squeal at the waves. Well, he squealed! I just watched him adoringly.
Eventually he got bored with this and started running around and barging into/hugging us all, so I took a step back and sat on the beach. He saw me and decided to play a game since I was sat at the top of a 'dune'. He would run up and throw his arms around me, nuzzle his head into my neck and giggle. He'd then run down the 'dune', turn around and start again. All of which just made my heart melt. This lasted a surprising amount of time before he got bored and went to find more stones to throw into the sea. So I was just left staring at the waves.
Water has always fascinated me. I'm not entirely sure why, I have a friend who reckons it's down to my star sign but who knows quite frankly. I was born in a seaside town but we moved away when I was 18 months old and didn't actually live on the coast itself. In my early 20s I lived right next to the river in a city for 18 months and absolutely loved it. I would spend days sitting on the balcony staring out at it. Randomly, I've been happiest since living in places that are near water. The river in our current city is one of my favourite places to be. It is where I always head to when I need to be at peace, need some time to think. I can just stare at it forever. It is calming, peaceful. Almost like it centres me and all is right with the world again.
Sitting on this beach I was hit with a veritable tsunami of emotions (excuse the watery pun!) and it was all I could do to hold it together whilst surrounded by family. They don't know about our current situation (here) and it was not the time nor the place to start explaining myself to them. So I did everything I could to hold myself together. No one commented so either they were too involved with the boys or I did a cracking job. Either that or it was noticed and 'saved' for another conversation another time. I sincerely hope it was the former.
And then we had Sunday. Hubby had been working a late shift on Saturday hence only joining us for a cuppa first thing and not coming down to the coast, he was then on a nightshift Sunday into Monday. So, as usual, when he got in Saturday night he stayed up until around 2am then came to bed - got up when his alarm went off at 9am and then went back to bed mid-afternoon ready to leave for the nightshift at around 8.30pm.
The trouble was, I spent the vast majority of Sunday feeling 'erotically charged' as Rachel from Friends would call it. Or 'horny' as Joey would say*. And all I wanted was, well, sex! Much as I tried to initiate things hubby was just not interested. Three times I attempted, three times I failed. He commented later, as he was getting ready to leave for work, that I was quiet and I explained why. He apologised and said he was just too tired. I genuinely believe this, but I also think that there are more factors at play here. There are times when it really does feel like we are just flatmates and, my feelings aside, Sunday was one of those days. There is also the possibility that he could have been thinking about the pressure on him when we do have sex - he'll be thinking whether we're in the window or not and therefore what has to happen rather than just fooling around.
I wasn't in the window at the weekend, I won't be for another week, I was just horny. But if that is what is always on his mind whenever I come on to him then we have another hurdle to clear before we can get our sex life back on track. I honestly believe that he was tired however, and when I did explain how I'd been feeling he seemed genuinely sorry. So there is still hope. Despite the fact I sit here typing this with nothing but the feeling of frustration.
*sorry! I happened across this Friends episode yesterday and watched it :D
I love my nephews. I cannot put into words how much. In some way they are absolute therapy and respite from where we are - at the same time they are a painful reminder of how long we have been on this road and just how much we are missing out on. But nevertheless I love them so much I could genuinely burst. Eldest nephew has just turned five, he was a bump on our wedding day (hence the reminder of time passed), and littlest nephew was two a couple of months ago. It was the announcement of his imminent arrival (here) that I found very very painful but since he arrived in the world he has brought nothing but joy to both of us. Well, eventually. For the first six months of his life he absolutely screamed when he saw hubby - his glasses and beard absolutely alien to him in his world of clean shaven, non-spectacled men. But since then all has been lovely!
The older they have got the more affectionate they are towards us. And when they finally start to say our names (mine tends to come first, in whatever variation they attempt, as it's an easier name to say than hubby's) our hearts melt. Saturday was prime example of this as littlest nephew has just started to say his own version of my name. There's a severe lack of consonants in what he's calling me, but he knows exactly what he means and so do I. Both boys love the beach, they collect stones and throw them into the sea - running away squealing with excitement when the waves gets just slightly too close to them. For whatever reason there seemed to be a lot of dunes (are they still called dunes on a stony beach?!) and so littlest nephew needed some help going up and down them to get to the sea, he took my hand to do so. Babbling away to me, we made it to the waves and started to throw stones and squeal at the waves. Well, he squealed! I just watched him adoringly.
Eventually he got bored with this and started running around and barging into/hugging us all, so I took a step back and sat on the beach. He saw me and decided to play a game since I was sat at the top of a 'dune'. He would run up and throw his arms around me, nuzzle his head into my neck and giggle. He'd then run down the 'dune', turn around and start again. All of which just made my heart melt. This lasted a surprising amount of time before he got bored and went to find more stones to throw into the sea. So I was just left staring at the waves.
Water has always fascinated me. I'm not entirely sure why, I have a friend who reckons it's down to my star sign but who knows quite frankly. I was born in a seaside town but we moved away when I was 18 months old and didn't actually live on the coast itself. In my early 20s I lived right next to the river in a city for 18 months and absolutely loved it. I would spend days sitting on the balcony staring out at it. Randomly, I've been happiest since living in places that are near water. The river in our current city is one of my favourite places to be. It is where I always head to when I need to be at peace, need some time to think. I can just stare at it forever. It is calming, peaceful. Almost like it centres me and all is right with the world again.
Sitting on this beach I was hit with a veritable tsunami of emotions (excuse the watery pun!) and it was all I could do to hold it together whilst surrounded by family. They don't know about our current situation (here) and it was not the time nor the place to start explaining myself to them. So I did everything I could to hold myself together. No one commented so either they were too involved with the boys or I did a cracking job. Either that or it was noticed and 'saved' for another conversation another time. I sincerely hope it was the former.
And then we had Sunday. Hubby had been working a late shift on Saturday hence only joining us for a cuppa first thing and not coming down to the coast, he was then on a nightshift Sunday into Monday. So, as usual, when he got in Saturday night he stayed up until around 2am then came to bed - got up when his alarm went off at 9am and then went back to bed mid-afternoon ready to leave for the nightshift at around 8.30pm.
The trouble was, I spent the vast majority of Sunday feeling 'erotically charged' as Rachel from Friends would call it. Or 'horny' as Joey would say*. And all I wanted was, well, sex! Much as I tried to initiate things hubby was just not interested. Three times I attempted, three times I failed. He commented later, as he was getting ready to leave for work, that I was quiet and I explained why. He apologised and said he was just too tired. I genuinely believe this, but I also think that there are more factors at play here. There are times when it really does feel like we are just flatmates and, my feelings aside, Sunday was one of those days. There is also the possibility that he could have been thinking about the pressure on him when we do have sex - he'll be thinking whether we're in the window or not and therefore what has to happen rather than just fooling around.
I wasn't in the window at the weekend, I won't be for another week, I was just horny. But if that is what is always on his mind whenever I come on to him then we have another hurdle to clear before we can get our sex life back on track. I honestly believe that he was tired however, and when I did explain how I'd been feeling he seemed genuinely sorry. So there is still hope. Despite the fact I sit here typing this with nothing but the feeling of frustration.
*sorry! I happened across this Friends episode yesterday and watched it :D
Friday, 9 September 2016
A Bend in the Road
This might be the hardest post I've ever had to write. I'm not even entirely sure where to begin. So I shall just begin at the beginning - a conversation we had on Wednesday night this week. It was not a pleasant conversation but it needed to happen. We're now both on the same page and, similar to the conversation I posted about here, a weight has been lifted and we can now move forward.
On Wednesday evening we discussed separating. There were tears but it was a productive conversation. Neither of us is sure we still have a marriage. We feel like flat mates. It's something that has often been discussed in infertility blogs (I made my own mention of it here) and is the absolute downside of the entire process - the affect it has on your sex life. We have lost that intimacy, that connection. We still love each other, but things have most definitely changed. We're both convinced we've caught it early (if that's the right phrase?!) and we both want to fix it. We just have no idea how. We're going to give it until Christmas and see where we are.
It's a very strange place to be. It's a very unpleasant place to be and I very much don't like being here. Apart from anything else I'll be damned if I'm going to let the absolute disease ridden plague that is infertility beat us. I gave us odds of 70/30 of sorting everything out and being fine again, hubby reckons it's 60/40.
Having said all that I do have a train of thought that makes me wonder who makes the rules up anyway. Who says what a marriage should look like and how a relationship evolves? Is this just what happens after eight years together and five years of marriage? Don't get me wrong I fully expected the lust to fade, I mean we're not as young as we used to be and I know relationships change and they don't stay the same but you absolutely make the best of what is left.
I believe that there are two reasons for this change and infertility is most definitely one of them. I genuinely believe if we'd had kids within a year or so of us trying we wouldn't be where we are now. At the same time though there is every likelihood that we'd both still be in jobs we hate but there you go! Which is worse - a happy home life but hating work, or loving your job but struggling at home? Rock, hard place, hello.
The second reason is more poignant and difficult to explain without apportioning blame. There is absolutely no doubt whatsoever that things have changed now hubby works shifts. He is typically around one weekend a month and we can go days without seeing each other. It's a ten day pattern and so he works either six or seven days (of three different shift types) and then has either three or four off. Before this summer it didn't seem to be an issue and I'd miss him when he wasn't there and rush home from work to see him in the hour or two that he would be there before he left. Recently, not so much. I find myself not fussed whether I see him or not. And the feeling is mutual. He doesn't mind if I don't rush home from work to see him. I absolutely do not blame him for this. Yes, it is his work pattern which has changed but he's so happy! And he's worked so incredibly hard to get where he is now, I'm very very proud of him. He suggested looking for other jobs when we were having this conversation and I ruled it out completely. I do not want him to give this up when he's only eighteen months in and the change in him is noticeable because of it.
So. Where does it leave us? I'm not entirely sure. We have both said that there is so much we want to do in our lives and there is no one else that we want to do it with. So that's got to be a good thing, right? One of my previous posts I linked to above made mention of the fact you just keep going, it doesn't get easier and it doesn't return to how it was but you end up in a 'new' normal. Maybe this is ours. We were working so hard on things earlier this year (when I wrote said blogpost) but recently things have definitely shifted. I don't know why and I can't pinpoint exactly when it started to happen but there is most certainly a different feel about our relationship now.
We want it to work. The thought of separating leaves me with the biggest, most unpleasant knot in my stomach and I don't like it. But things aren't right. And we both know that. We also both want to fix things. I hate that we have ended up here. Our relationship has always been so strong and in some ways it really still is, the fact we could have this conversation proves that. Neither of us were prepared to just carry on and wait until we fell out of love with each other. We want to do something about it and do something now. I just have no idea what.
On Wednesday evening we discussed separating. There were tears but it was a productive conversation. Neither of us is sure we still have a marriage. We feel like flat mates. It's something that has often been discussed in infertility blogs (I made my own mention of it here) and is the absolute downside of the entire process - the affect it has on your sex life. We have lost that intimacy, that connection. We still love each other, but things have most definitely changed. We're both convinced we've caught it early (if that's the right phrase?!) and we both want to fix it. We just have no idea how. We're going to give it until Christmas and see where we are.
It's a very strange place to be. It's a very unpleasant place to be and I very much don't like being here. Apart from anything else I'll be damned if I'm going to let the absolute disease ridden plague that is infertility beat us. I gave us odds of 70/30 of sorting everything out and being fine again, hubby reckons it's 60/40.
Having said all that I do have a train of thought that makes me wonder who makes the rules up anyway. Who says what a marriage should look like and how a relationship evolves? Is this just what happens after eight years together and five years of marriage? Don't get me wrong I fully expected the lust to fade, I mean we're not as young as we used to be and I know relationships change and they don't stay the same but you absolutely make the best of what is left.
I believe that there are two reasons for this change and infertility is most definitely one of them. I genuinely believe if we'd had kids within a year or so of us trying we wouldn't be where we are now. At the same time though there is every likelihood that we'd both still be in jobs we hate but there you go! Which is worse - a happy home life but hating work, or loving your job but struggling at home? Rock, hard place, hello.
The second reason is more poignant and difficult to explain without apportioning blame. There is absolutely no doubt whatsoever that things have changed now hubby works shifts. He is typically around one weekend a month and we can go days without seeing each other. It's a ten day pattern and so he works either six or seven days (of three different shift types) and then has either three or four off. Before this summer it didn't seem to be an issue and I'd miss him when he wasn't there and rush home from work to see him in the hour or two that he would be there before he left. Recently, not so much. I find myself not fussed whether I see him or not. And the feeling is mutual. He doesn't mind if I don't rush home from work to see him. I absolutely do not blame him for this. Yes, it is his work pattern which has changed but he's so happy! And he's worked so incredibly hard to get where he is now, I'm very very proud of him. He suggested looking for other jobs when we were having this conversation and I ruled it out completely. I do not want him to give this up when he's only eighteen months in and the change in him is noticeable because of it.
So. Where does it leave us? I'm not entirely sure. We have both said that there is so much we want to do in our lives and there is no one else that we want to do it with. So that's got to be a good thing, right? One of my previous posts I linked to above made mention of the fact you just keep going, it doesn't get easier and it doesn't return to how it was but you end up in a 'new' normal. Maybe this is ours. We were working so hard on things earlier this year (when I wrote said blogpost) but recently things have definitely shifted. I don't know why and I can't pinpoint exactly when it started to happen but there is most certainly a different feel about our relationship now.
We want it to work. The thought of separating leaves me with the biggest, most unpleasant knot in my stomach and I don't like it. But things aren't right. And we both know that. We also both want to fix things. I hate that we have ended up here. Our relationship has always been so strong and in some ways it really still is, the fact we could have this conversation proves that. Neither of us were prepared to just carry on and wait until we fell out of love with each other. We want to do something about it and do something now. I just have no idea what.
Thursday, 4 August 2016
Things Fall Apart
Hey kids.
If I'm allowed to say that?! Tis just a phrase, am not being patronising :) honest.
Anyway. It's been a weird week. I can't even put my finger on why, I'm feeling tearful and hormonal, it's almost PMT-esque. Except it most definitely isn't that unless my cycle has suddenly become all kinds of screwed. So let's not go there......
So, what has been going on?
I've had news from friends this week that has rocked the boat slightly, things changing that you have no control over. The house of cards starting to falter and at this precise moment, when they're moving but haven't actually collapsed yet, you have no idea where the cards will fall and how things will look when it's over. What I do know is that large scale changes are coming and I'm not sure what the road ahead looks like at the moment.
There's change at work too. After two and a half years here I finally feel as if I'm settled and have a core group of friends that I socialise with outside of work as well as see inside work. However three of the biggest and most instrumental members of this group have left this summer. Again, things are changing. Things I have no control over. How is the dynamic of my work friends going to change with these losses? It could well shift but stay fundamentally the same, it could shift and form something new which, whilst not the same, would work equally as well and (who knows!) might even be better. Or it could seismically shift things and it all changes to the point where I just wish it was how it used to be. I've always been a sentimental old fucker. I keep all sorts of crap because it has value to me or reminds me of something I want to make sure I don't forget.
And I've never dealt well with change. Which, whilst true, is a bit of an irony since large scale changes were implemented not long after our infertility diagnosis - we moved house and both changed jobs. Which are pretty big changes! I also know that change can be a wonderful thing, that if you stay static for too long it's not healthy, that if you don't jump you have no idea what's the other side and that the scariest thing is not the jump itself but that split second between deciding to jump and actually doing it.
But still. I've had enough change lately and it's all been good change. Sometimes things need to fall apart to come back together stronger, differently but in a better way. I know that, but it doesn't make it any less scary. The worst is change that I have no control over and both these events I outline above, as well as a couple of other things going on at the moment that I am not going to go into here, are things I can do nothing about and just have to wait and see how things pan out. Patience is also not something I'm particularly good at........
Maybe this is just the mad ramblings of someone who has spent far too much time thinking about things. Too much time pondering the 'what if' and going over and over things in my head, the different scenarios and what I would do/what would happen in each one. I'm fully aware that over-thinking something can be a dangerous as under-thinking it but that hasn't seemed to have stopped the thoughts consuming me.
Whatever my current frame of mind and the reasons behind it, I have no other outpost for it than this little forum. So, lucky readers, you get to be the confidante that I appear to be currently lacking. The person I can open up to without thinking that I'm going completely insane. I realise that this should be hubby and we have discussed things - my mood, the stuff that's going on with friends - but sometimes it's just better to write it all down. Things seem clearer in writing. The jumbled thoughts put in some kind of order.
Or I just am genuinely going mad...........
If I'm allowed to say that?! Tis just a phrase, am not being patronising :) honest.
Anyway. It's been a weird week. I can't even put my finger on why, I'm feeling tearful and hormonal, it's almost PMT-esque. Except it most definitely isn't that unless my cycle has suddenly become all kinds of screwed. So let's not go there......
So, what has been going on?
I've had news from friends this week that has rocked the boat slightly, things changing that you have no control over. The house of cards starting to falter and at this precise moment, when they're moving but haven't actually collapsed yet, you have no idea where the cards will fall and how things will look when it's over. What I do know is that large scale changes are coming and I'm not sure what the road ahead looks like at the moment.
There's change at work too. After two and a half years here I finally feel as if I'm settled and have a core group of friends that I socialise with outside of work as well as see inside work. However three of the biggest and most instrumental members of this group have left this summer. Again, things are changing. Things I have no control over. How is the dynamic of my work friends going to change with these losses? It could well shift but stay fundamentally the same, it could shift and form something new which, whilst not the same, would work equally as well and (who knows!) might even be better. Or it could seismically shift things and it all changes to the point where I just wish it was how it used to be. I've always been a sentimental old fucker. I keep all sorts of crap because it has value to me or reminds me of something I want to make sure I don't forget.
And I've never dealt well with change. Which, whilst true, is a bit of an irony since large scale changes were implemented not long after our infertility diagnosis - we moved house and both changed jobs. Which are pretty big changes! I also know that change can be a wonderful thing, that if you stay static for too long it's not healthy, that if you don't jump you have no idea what's the other side and that the scariest thing is not the jump itself but that split second between deciding to jump and actually doing it.
But still. I've had enough change lately and it's all been good change. Sometimes things need to fall apart to come back together stronger, differently but in a better way. I know that, but it doesn't make it any less scary. The worst is change that I have no control over and both these events I outline above, as well as a couple of other things going on at the moment that I am not going to go into here, are things I can do nothing about and just have to wait and see how things pan out. Patience is also not something I'm particularly good at........
Maybe this is just the mad ramblings of someone who has spent far too much time thinking about things. Too much time pondering the 'what if' and going over and over things in my head, the different scenarios and what I would do/what would happen in each one. I'm fully aware that over-thinking something can be a dangerous as under-thinking it but that hasn't seemed to have stopped the thoughts consuming me.
Whatever my current frame of mind and the reasons behind it, I have no other outpost for it than this little forum. So, lucky readers, you get to be the confidante that I appear to be currently lacking. The person I can open up to without thinking that I'm going completely insane. I realise that this should be hubby and we have discussed things - my mood, the stuff that's going on with friends - but sometimes it's just better to write it all down. Things seem clearer in writing. The jumbled thoughts put in some kind of order.
Or I just am genuinely going mad...........
Friday, 1 July 2016
Comfort in Sound
There
is something inherent about music. No matter what you're going through - a new
relationship, a break up, thoughts of things you shouldn't do, thoughts of
things you wish you had done. Songs suddenly take on a new meaning. You listen
to them 'as new', lyrics resonating in ways they haven't before. Songs that
were previously just enjoyed suddenly have new meaning and feel like they're
talking directly to you. Like looking at things with fresh eyes. Or ears, more
appropriately.
There is something about the fact that someone else has been there before. Or at least had an inkling of something similar enough to write something that immortalises those feelings so that when you listen to it you feel it could have been written solely for whatever situation it is that you find yourself in.
We are not alone. Someone has always been there before. I take comfort in that,
even if it's unintentional.
Sunday, 26 June 2016
Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming........
Aaaah hello dear blog. We meet again.
Yes yes ok I might have had some wine..... But I have a confession to make. My last blogpost (here) was quite an angry and bitter one and was also, dear readers, written almost two months ago but due to the complexities of my job and the ridiculously busy time of year I find myself in professionally at the moment, the earliest chance I had to 'finesse' it (if that's even the right word. Do you 'finesse' a blogpost?!) was earlier this month. And so that's when it was published. My feelings about the situation have changed slightly in the sense that I am now at peace with how things lie. She can go and lead her life and I shall lead mine. I will try my darndest (altho I guess I make no promises) not to blog about her again. I am not going to waste any more energy on her.
So. For what purpose am I turning to my little outpost this evening? And after wine no less! Well, the glorious Salt in the Womb who is not only one of my favourite twitter posters but also writes one of my absolute favourite infertility blogs (here is my very own little fangirl post about it) posed a question the other day that piqued my interest. She tweeted the following:
"Friends, I need your help. Which subjects don't get discussed enough re#infertility? Cost? Emotions? Relationships? Speak yo mind"
To which the two most pertinent topics that responders mentioned, to my mind, were:
And:
Both of these are utterly relevant to me. Issues with the first set of responses hit home recently whilst trying to sort out the arrangements for my youngest nephew's birthday (his falls just five days after mine). My own mother told me that since we were childless all we had to do was worry about work so surely we were the ones that should be flexible. Way to kick a girl when you're down. Thanks mum.
However it was all the comments on the last post that really hit me where it hurts. I have been there, ladies and gentleman, and I have the t-shirt. The comment about drifting to roommates particularly resonated - is that what hubby and I were on the verge of due to our lack of intimacy? I've written about this before here and the pain that comes with that situation I understand very well. Despite the love and affection, without the intimacy that one would associate with a marriage is the relationship just a friendship? We were in that limbo for over two years. It was only earlier this year that we broke it and things are starting to return to normal. Or at least a semblance of normal, a different normal that (at the moment at least!) seems to be working out just fine. It doesn't help admittedly that hubby works shifts and his pattern means that there are at least two or three nights every week that we don't see each other. And the ones that we do he is invariably knackered. But you push through - you don't force things but you don't give up on things either.
I want to give hope to those that posted the responses above - it CAN happen. You CAN get it back. It might not be the same, but it is infitely better than where you were..... Keep going :)
Yes yes ok I might have had some wine..... But I have a confession to make. My last blogpost (here) was quite an angry and bitter one and was also, dear readers, written almost two months ago but due to the complexities of my job and the ridiculously busy time of year I find myself in professionally at the moment, the earliest chance I had to 'finesse' it (if that's even the right word. Do you 'finesse' a blogpost?!) was earlier this month. And so that's when it was published. My feelings about the situation have changed slightly in the sense that I am now at peace with how things lie. She can go and lead her life and I shall lead mine. I will try my darndest (altho I guess I make no promises) not to blog about her again. I am not going to waste any more energy on her.
So. For what purpose am I turning to my little outpost this evening? And after wine no less! Well, the glorious Salt in the Womb who is not only one of my favourite twitter posters but also writes one of my absolute favourite infertility blogs (here is my very own little fangirl post about it) posed a question the other day that piqued my interest. She tweeted the following:
"Friends, I need your help. Which subjects don't get discussed enough re
To which the two most pertinent topics that responders mentioned, to my mind, were:
- Family dynamics when siblings have kids when you're not/can't, and parents (would be grandparents) not handling it well
- Parents can't understand/identify what you're going through
And:
- The effect infertility & IVF has on relationships, intimacy & sex in my opinion
- Sex is a big one for me. It's hard to know if we will ever get back what we had
- Ditto for us! I'm not sure you can ever go back, just create a new normal
- How to avoid drifting into being roommates. How to get that feeling back?!
Both of these are utterly relevant to me. Issues with the first set of responses hit home recently whilst trying to sort out the arrangements for my youngest nephew's birthday (his falls just five days after mine). My own mother told me that since we were childless all we had to do was worry about work so surely we were the ones that should be flexible. Way to kick a girl when you're down. Thanks mum.
However it was all the comments on the last post that really hit me where it hurts. I have been there, ladies and gentleman, and I have the t-shirt. The comment about drifting to roommates particularly resonated - is that what hubby and I were on the verge of due to our lack of intimacy? I've written about this before here and the pain that comes with that situation I understand very well. Despite the love and affection, without the intimacy that one would associate with a marriage is the relationship just a friendship? We were in that limbo for over two years. It was only earlier this year that we broke it and things are starting to return to normal. Or at least a semblance of normal, a different normal that (at the moment at least!) seems to be working out just fine. It doesn't help admittedly that hubby works shifts and his pattern means that there are at least two or three nights every week that we don't see each other. And the ones that we do he is invariably knackered. But you push through - you don't force things but you don't give up on things either.
I want to give hope to those that posted the responses above - it CAN happen. You CAN get it back. It might not be the same, but it is infitely better than where you were..... Keep going :)
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