A Cry for Help

Howdy.

Just a bit of a heads up, before you read this post it might be handy to read this post and this post. If you haven't already! As I shall refer to both of them. I'd hate to confuse you....

I've not been feeling great of late. I've been very tearful, I've not wanted to do anything at the weekend other than just lie on the sofa and I can't shake the anger that I have inside of me. I found out last month that my 'friend' was flying the next day to California for her treatment. I decided I could be the bigger person, I thought I'd be fine. I texted her to wish her a safe flight, nothing more, but I thought it was the grown up thing to do. In hindsight that was incredibly stupid. I'm not sure I will ever agree with what she's doing and, because of the type of person she is, she will never tailor her responses to anything due to our circumstances. All she needed to do was reply 'thanks hon, hope you're well' or 'that's very sweet of you thank you' - and then both of us would have carried on with our evening and there may still have been hope of resurrecting the friendship in the future. As it is, I'm doubtful we will ever be friends again. Her reply was this -

"Thanks, it's so exciting!!"

Which immediately got my back up as what she is doing is abhorrent, not exciting. I genuinely do understand that she believes it exciting and that it is something she feels she has to do. Why else would she do something that so many people take an issue with? However, how she can fail to understand how I would feel about it, bearing in mind our diagnosis, I have no idea. Well, I do. Empathy has never exactly been her strong suit..... I replied, I thought fairly politely, that exciting wasn't a word I would use to describe what she was doing and again wished her a safe flight. She then made matters worse by saying that she was therefore stumped and had no idea what I was on about. This meant, of course, that I had to put what she was doing in writing which just made it even more real to me. To cut a rather long story short she accused me of being intolerant, of being rude and of spoiling her last evening with her boys before she flew out. To top it all off I then got a message on FB from her brother telling me to mind my own business and to leave his sister alone. That was the final straw. I sat on the sofa and sobbed.

Hubby had been working a night shift this particular weekend so was asleep when all this took place. He woke up, came downstairs, took one look at me and offered to call in sick to spend the evening with me. Which was an incredibly sweet thing to do (he really is the most wonderful man) but I said to him not to, he was due to leave for work in a few hours and I would just go to bed. So there wasn't really much point! I did however deactivate my FB profile the next day. I needed time away. My usual response when I have been hurt this badly is to hide away from the world. Which is therefore what I've done (apart from you lovely folk, obviously!). Weirdly enough I'm not missing it. And not many people have noticed I've gone so maybe I'll stay away..... Who knows.

What I do know is that, for whatever reason, I just cannot let this incident go. I keep playing the conversation over and over in my head and it just makes me angry. Properly, properly, full of rage angry. To the point that, when my mum suggested that what I needed to do was take a deep breath and let it all go I replied that no - what I really needed to do was punch her in the fucking face.

This behaviour is unusual for me. I am not generally a violent person! At all. And yet the rage takes over, I cry and I just want to hit her with a brick. Shake her and make her see what an absolutely immoral and completely idiotic thing she is doing. I hope to God it fails. And then I think badly for feeling like that as I know how much she wants it to work and how it would devastate her if it did fail. I have therefore got back in touch with my counsellor who helped me so much when I was off work in 2013. I cannot let this rage consume me. I need to let this go - I have let go of her, of that much I am 200% certain. If and when I do re-join the social media world I want absolutely nothing to do with her, her husband or her brother.

The past few evenings I've not particularly felt like myself either. I would categorise them as 'Meh'. The weekend was the same (although admittedly things were not helped by the fact we spent Saturday afternoon at a 1 year old's birthday party) and I don't like it. I don't like feeling like this. So I have reached out, I have made the call. I have an appointment to see her next week and I already feel better about things just because I've made the appointment. Fingers crossed that feeling continues.

Speaking about the Unspeakable - The Joy of Sex (Toys)

Good moaning dear readers.

And those of you that are dear readers will be aware of the rather odd side effect of our infertility journey that both hubby and myself have been saddled with. We have both completely and utterly lost our sex drive.

Well, I have decided enough is enough. I have taken matters into my own hands, literally, and plan on jump-starting my body to remind it what it needs to do and to enjoy doing it. Female masturbation seems to be one of the last taboos, although I must admit I'm not entirely sure why - we all do it. Don't we?! Well, I haven't for a while. My vibrator of choice is now almost 13 years old and doesn't quite, erm, hit the spot in the way it used to. This has probably not helped me as I've been less inclined to use it and no doubt this has added to the wider problem.

So! January sales here I come... Or went, as would be more appropriate. I have some new friends and they've had quite a bit of use since I brought them home. I am damned if this will beat me. I will remind my body of what it needs to be doing and should be enjoying so that it wants it itself. I will overthrow the darkness that has encroached, the barrier will be broken down by my bare hands.

Hubby's issue seems more to be tiredness, he's now three months proper into the new job and is still getting used to shift work. He's enjoying it so his mood is considerably improved but he seems to always be tired - hence I think the onus is on me to jump him (at the beginning at least) and so I must jump start myself. We've both just forgotten what to do, the urge is no longer there and we have got into the 'comfort' zone of not being bothered.

BUT.

We have both said that we will fix it this year and I now have new friends to help. This WILL NOT beat me!!!

This Path of Self Destruction That I Choose for Myself.

Well, this is difficult to write. The past couple of weeks have been incredibly eye-opening.

I sit here pretty much close to tears, and whilst I admit I may not be entirely sober, the old adage of things coming to light clearly whence otherwise they might be blurry comes to mind.

My oldest group of girlfriends are meeting up again on Monday. Without me. I was not invited. The girl who is organising it is the girl I speak of here, the one who is going to California in January for gender selective IVF. The gathering has been organised through Facebook messenger, which I have bemoaned of in the past. I cannot get on Facebook at work (due to the nature of my employment it is a banned site) and I refuse to install FB messenger on my phone due to all the various connotations of what is involved and what privacy you give up during the download. Therefore I have frequently said to my friends that, whilst they may organise things through FB, it is always best to text me as well. And at every other meet up this has been done. Right up to the meet up in October when I finally opened up to said friend and admitted that I couldn't be around her at this current moment in time. Up until I admitted that to her I had been texted about any meet up despite a FB conversation running parallel.

For this December meet up I was not included in the messages. No one texted me to let me know it was happening. I found out when and where due to second hand conversations with other friends. The reason being banded about for me not going is that I refuse to participate in FB messenger conversations (bollocks, this has been the case for years and previously they have just texted me instead) or that I 'cannot cope' with the large en masse group meet ups when they talk about nothing but children (again, bollocks. This may have been the case last year when things were more raw but I have got a lot better this year and made at least one of said group meet ups. Not the issue it was anymore). It irks like you wouldn't believe that these things are being said behind my back. These assumptions that are not true, that not one of them has the balls to actually confront me about and ask if that is indeed that case.

The one and only reason that I have not been invited to this particular meet up is that the person organising it knows I do not want to be around her. No. Other. Reason. And not only that, the organiser has not admitted to the group why. Which is, I imagine, why the other reasons I outlined above are being banded about. There is one and one reason only why I do not want to go - her. And as she is organising it she cannot admit to that. If someone asks why I am not there it is clearly easier for her to make up an excuse rather than to say 'she doesn't want to be around me at the moment'.

Now, I feel at this point I should admit something to you dear reader. I am not exactly sober. I have had a particularly rubbish week at work. That has exacerbated my feelings. Does that mean that the basis in which my feelings lie are rubbish? No. Absolutely not. Does that mean I may well have not picked the best words and might have overreacted slightly to current events? Yes, that is entirely likely. However, in the same breath that does not make my feelings worthless. It does not make the rawness and pain in my heart any less real. That these girls, who I have known for twenty years now, who I opened my heart up to earlier this year and let them know exactly what we were going through, I feel I am drifting from. I feel they no longer understand where I am coming from. Where I am.

Is this self imposed? Is that the old-fashioned self-fulfilling prophecy? That I am clearly not worthy of good things. That I don't deserve anything that I'd actually like to have. That someone somewhere has decided that I shouldn't have a family, that I shouldn't have what most people hold dear. That I am destined to be alone (which is horseshite, I have a wonderful family and the most absolutely truly amazing husband) and that this suffering is actually enjoyable.Therefore I destroy these things, therefore I don't have them, therefore I was not worthy of them in the first place. The old vicious circle. Is this wallowing in self pity? Not entirely. Is this raising the ghosts of a very very troubled teenage years? More than likely.

It may not also help that I have hardly seen hubby this week. With various Christmas do's and catch ups with friends, and his shifts, I last saw him properly on Tuesday evening and (aside from possibly a brief hug tomorrow morning if he gets home in time) I won't see him properly now until Sunday lunchtime. He fixes me. He knows what to do, what to say, and he always makes things better. I feel the timing of these feelings inside me and his current shift patten could not have been worse.

Maybe I am better off alone. I don't wish to sound as if I'm being self-absorbed, really I don't, but there has always been - and quite possible still is - a self destructive streak within me. Do I want to destroy these friendships as I believe I'm better off without? Just because they don't understand what I'm going through I should cut them loose? I don't know. There are members of the group who I truly love and have been absolutely wonderful friends through the darkest hours of the past year or two. But the arrangement of this meet up has brought things into sharp focus. It has left a very bitter taste in my mouth.

I hope to get past it. I hope to go back to how things were. Even, eventually, with my friend who is off to sunnier climes for dubious reasons in January. On one hand I am forever the optimist, that things will work out and we'll all be friends again. On the other hand I feel so alone that I want nothing to do with any of them. Oh the contradictions I live with. Plus ca change.

Self Protection and the Art of Avoidance

Howdy.

I appear to be borrowing from other media outlets quite a bit of late (see my twitter feed or my secondary infertility post here) but I recently came across this:

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/mar/31/mothers-stop-moaning-about-motherhood

Wow. Just wow. The pain in that is all too raw and, whilst I am not exactly in the same boat as I am very happily married, I can certainly relate to an awful lot of what she has to say.

Her opening gambit -

"Last week, I received an upsetting email about a pregnant acquaintance. Apparently she is devastated – I repeat, devastated – because her most recent scan shows that her unborn baby is a boy. The mother of two sons will not be having a girl and she is, our mutual emailing friend tells me, beside herself. Dreadful."


Cuts particularly deep at the moment as it strikes a little too close to home. I also have a dear friend who is a mum to three boys (I may well have blogged about her before, my memory on this is hazy but there's bound to be a mention somewhere!); three gorgeous, happy boys. Whilst she was trying for the second she tried all manner of things to try and make sure it was a girl - diet, position, day in cycle, supplements. But it wasn't to be, a bouncing boy arrived to be a brother to the first. When trying for the third she went even further.

She had read somewhere that women in Africa are statistically more likely to conceive a girl as they are malnourished. Where she got this from and how true this is I have no idea, I suspect it's utter hokem since it is a man's sperm that determines the sex of the child. It's nothing to do with the woman. But still, she believed it so went on an incredibly extreme diet -  and conceived another boy.

She is now looking to expand the brood further but is desperate for that baby girl. Erm. Why?! And this is where the infertile in me takes over - you have three healthy, easily conceived children. Yet that is not good enough for you. WHY?! Not just that, but how will the younger two feel if (heaven forbid!) they ever find out that they weren't good enough? Mum wanted a girl and did all manner of things to try and make it happen - it didn't so here you are. What on earth would that do to them? Further, I have friends (and indeed, family) who just have boys. Is that not good enough either in her eyes? You're not a success unless you have at least one of each sex? A matching pair?! Madness. And it makes me very very angry.

I have struggled to be around her, sat at the opposite end of the table at gatherings etc., but earlier this year it just all got too much. I am very fond of her, I have known her since school and she had a hand in me meeting my husband. But I can no longer be around her. She wants to go to a clinic in California for gender-selective IVF.

Again - she wants to go to a clinic in California for gender-selective IVF. She is fully aware of our situation (I 'came out' to my closest group of girlfriends, the group from school, in January this year) and, to give her a semblance of credit, she knows how mad it is that she's even considering it. But she can't let it go. Earlier this year her mum died unexpectedly, she was only in her 60s. I cannot imagine how horrible that must have been for her, genuinely I can't. However, the amount of money her mum left her is the exact amount she needs to cover the treatment and she took this as a sign. So at some point she'll be off to California for treatment, leaving behind three boys under the age of 6. How do you start to explain to them where you're going and why?! Especially when you are, to all intents and purposes, the sole carer as their father works all hours and some weekends.

I don't know what's worse - the fact that I want it to fail or the fact that I want her to conceive another boy even if it's through IVF. Having said that, she could conceive a girl who turns out to want to be a boy. Who knows. I still rather she didn't have that last outcome though......

Our group of friends all met up in October for dinner, she kept texting me asking if I was going to join them. Initially I said I just wasn't sure. But I had to be honest with her, so I told her that I couldn't see her. Didn't want to be around her. I was very clear that it was just for one reason and one reason only and that it is just for this moment in time. I am truly hopeful that at some point in the future this will not be as painful and I can cope with being around her. I also hope that the time apart won't damage our friendship too much. I do value her dearly. But at this precise moment in time I cannot trust myself around her, cannot trust myself to say something that cannot be taken back and therefore irreparably damage our relationship. For now, should I see her, it will take all the strength I posses not to grab her with both hands and yell WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING???!??!???!?!!

So it's probably best that I don't see her for the foreseeable future. Which is sad, but I have to protect myself. I'm sorry as I am always in favour of putting other people first but every now and again I have to put myself first for the sake of my health and my sanity. I cannot see her at the moment. I just can't.

It's not all bad :)

After my rubbish weekend of three (three!) pregnancy announcements I decided to try and take something positive from it. Unbeknownst to me it was actually National Infertility Awareness Week (in the UK at least) last week and can you guess how much coverage there had been of that in the media? Yep, nothing. Not a sausage.

So. I wrote a post on my FB feed. I thought if I link it to NIAW then maybe people will think I'm just showing support for that rather than 'outing' myself. But at the same time part of me wondered how many others were struggling in private and for them to just have an inkling that there weren't alone made me think it was worth doing.

This is what I posted:

I must admit I thought long and hard about posting it. I wrote it and re-wrote it and hovered over the 'post' button for a good few minutes going round and round in circles in my head. As I've already mentioned (here) we decided a while ago that moving forward, whilst we won't exactly shout it from the rooftops, we would stop lying if anyone ever asked us anything. So, I posted it.....

I hadn't even realised it was the awareness week until the Sunday of that week (i.e. the last day of NIAW) and I think that's what gave me the last push to post it - if I hadn't done it on that day then it didn't really fit with that. And people could then make their own conclusions!

I was still nervous though and did think I'd give it half an hour or so and then delete it if the comments were nasty, or if there were no comments/likes at all. It could disappear into the ether as if it had never existed. But I was so touched and genuinely surprised by the response it garnered out in the 'open air' (as it were!). Not only did I have comments on my post but I also had some direct messages from friends that, of course completely unknown to me, had been fighting the IF battle alone. So, now, I'm very very glad I did post that. Infertility seems to be such a private thing, almost taboo to talk about openly which is astounding when you look at the stats - it affects so many who must just suffer in silence. Which is horrible.

I may not have completely 'outed' myself but it was enough of a hint for those that recognise the signs to get in touch. And for that I am incredibly grateful, to know just one person knows they're no longer alone makes it worth posting. Even for the couple of negative comments I got I still don't care as the good has so completely outweighed the bad.

And whilst that may be out in the open there are still only a very select few who know about this blog and related twitter account, so I can still vent true feelings within the safety net of anonymity! Almost the best of both worlds. And I think that's how I'd like it to stay. As much as I know it may sound hypocritical after what I've just said about it being a taboo subject, but nevertheless I do think it's one thing alluding to it - it's another entirely to go into the level of detail I do here. Unless you're on this side of the fence you will never ever truly understand what it feels like to be an infertile. So, for now, let's just keep the details between us eh? :) 

I thought you were one of us, I was wrong......

Morning.

Yesterday wasn't much fun. Three pregnancy announcements on my FB feed before midday. Three. Do they all time them specially to come out together?! Admittedly one of them my mum had already given me a heads up about but nevertheless it was now in the public domain and being gushed over. The second one was a bit surprising as I thought the couple didn't want children, nevertheless I am obviously pleased for them. The lady in question is not one to overly emote on FB so the post itself was actually made by a third party (I'd be interested to know how she felt about being outed like that!) and there wasn't the usual outpouring of emotional diarrhea. The third one, however, stung slightly.

I've known her for a long time, they got married the year after we did. Over the past couple of years she'd said a few things in passing that rang alarm bells and I'd wondered for a while whether to ask something that would confirm my suspicions. Was she in the same boat that we were? I'd even considered writing a blogpost about her! Going through the things she'd said and asking advice - was I putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5? If the general consensus was that I was actually right, how should I approach the subject with her? All of that is slightly moot now.

To be fair, I may have got close to the truth. They could well have struggled over the past couple of years, they may well have had tests, started treatment. They could be one of many who fall naturally during the treatment/assessment process due to one of life's delicious ironies. They may have conceived through treatment. I don't know. I will now have no way of knowing, the window has passed. She is pregnant.

So yes, this third FB announcement stung slightly. I thought she was one of us, had for so long thought about saying something to her, letting her know she wasn't alone during this horrific process. But I never found the right time, wasn't sure enough in my deductions that she was indeed in this club. And now I doubt I'll ever know...... Do you bring this kind of conversation up post-pregnancy announcement?! Or is that in poor taste?

Answers on a postcard!

A little 'off topic' - Secondary Infertility

I recently came across this blog post –

http://www.blogher.com/when-are-you-going-have-another-baby

It’s about secondary infertility but there are a lot of similarities to ‘general’ infertility and in some ways I guess it’s worse – you have a child yes, but that only proves you’ve conceived once so you assume you’ll be able to conceive again. And then you don’t.

It also proves what we as a group of infertiles already know – don’t ever, ever EVER judge a book by its cover. You have no idea what is going on behind closed doors. I have lost count of the number of times we have been asked over the years ‘so, when are you going to have children then?’.  This number increases tenfold with every year of marriage that goes by. Obviously we could be completely open and tell everyone the truth (pah!) or we have the various lines of defence we’ve always gone with (‘plenty of time for that’ ‘yeah, one day’) and I’m sure others can quite simply get away with saying they don’t want children if only to shut up the person asking the question.

But how much harder is that if you already have one child? How many times do you get asked when the next one is coming along? How many times does the child you already have innocently wish out loud for a sibling? Again, there are no doubt many that will claim they only wanted one child whilst secretly dying inside. You’ve managed to conceive once, who knew that that’s when infertility would kick in and you wouldn’t be able to conceive a second time?

I genuinely don’t know which is worse.