This post has taken me a while to write. The events it covers go back to November last year and every time I've tried to write it I've been pushed back by the strength of emotion that rises within me, the sheer volume of tears that overcome me and the pain that rips my soul. However, if I don't write it then it will continue to hang over me so I need to finish it and publish it. Especially since, after the past few weeks, things seem to have at least come to a natural place to end this blogpost on. So, here we go.
Prior to the pandemic, I was to be in a theatre show (just in our local theatre, nowhere too flash) and it was a family show so I was hoping that lots of people would come and see me in it. I've been doing amateur theatre for years, it's how hubby and I met, and I've always enjoyed it but I've not always been successful getting lots of people to come and see me! My brother has never seen me in any show I have ever been in, my parents frequently used to come but due to dad's illnesses that has become fewer and further between as I've got older. I've been to almost all of my brother's marathons/10Ks/half marathons to support him but he's never been to support me. But - this was a family show so I wanted to ask if him and the kids wanted to see the show. He had said yes straight away, which had utterly astounded me (I'd had a whole speech prepared to try and persuade him), but I wasn't about to let him change his mind and so the tickets were booked.
And then Covid happened, we got as far as the dress rehearsal and were shut down. Roll forward eighteen months and we had a new performance date of March this year and I was hoping my brother would still come with the kids to watch me - despite what had happened over the past few months between the two of us (all detailed here in previous 'fractious families' posts). So, when I was sent an email about how tickets would be transferred to the new dates I sent it on to him with just an 'FYI' in the email. As that's all it was - for his information about tickets he already had. And so another vitriolic email chain ensued, this was his reply:
I’ve not spoken to you in a year, you’ve not even acknowledged what you said to me/called me/accused me and MY WIFE of let alone attempted to apologise and you send us an email with just ‘FYI’ expecting us to act on it!!
I’ll end this here before I say anything more
After everything that has happened I've given up holding my tongue, and so this was my reply:
The choice not to talk to me is yours, not mine. And it's not been a year, the last time we exchanged texts was in May when I asked if we could meet up and spend some time with the kids over the early bank holiday and you said no. I have acknowledged what I said to you many times, what I've not done is apologised and I'm not going to. I've tried to sort this out and you're not interested. There was no expectation to act on the email I sent, all I did was forward to you information about tickets you've booked.
Until you are prepared to apologise to me, or at least agree to meet me half way and take some responsibility for your actions, I don't want to talk about this anymore. I have offered many suggestions, to you and YOUR WIFE, to resolve this and you have refused them all. You are the one dragging this out, not me, in your belligerence to not see both sides of what's happened. I am not going round in circles on this again, the pain you cause me is too great.
I knew that would upset him and I knew it would make him angry but, like I said, I was fighting fire with fire at this point and couldn't be bothered to pussyfoot around him anymore. I was pretty sure his reply would be that I was insane, it was all in my own head (as a lot of his narrative has been along those lines) and that nothing would happen until I apologised to him. I only had to wait four days to be proved absolutely correct. This was his reply:
The email was sent in a nonchalant manor as if nothing has happened, a skill of which you seem to have made your own. I’m not interested in even considering doing anything like this and you’re foolish to think I would be so don’t waste your time.
MY NAME you are delusional and need to get a grip if you think me and MY WIFE have anything to apologise for.
You’re right, I’m not interested in talking to you, that is until I get an apology and acknowledgment of what you said was uncalled for and unfounded. With your stubbornness and lack of realisation that you’ve done something wrong I’m gona guess this will never happen tho.
There have been no suggestions from you and quite frankly unless it’s the above I’m not interested in alternatives.
Unless you are doing that I’d suggest you don’t contact me again, even in a fleeting email.
And there you have it - gaslighting at its finest. My very real feelings have been utterly dismissed, I'm delusional. I'm being bullied into an apology for calling him a bully, and there is no way he gets that irony.
So that's that then. Whilst my anger is mainly from frustration I also find this all so incredibly sad. He is my brother, my only sibling, when my father continues to be gravely ill. Aside from when we were very small we've never been best of friends, never been particularly close, but as we've got older we've got on. Never friendly, never texting to check in on each other or anything like that but it certainly wasn't acrimonious. Until around the time second nephew was born. We were struggling to conceive, they were having their second, and around nine months after he was born my brother had a breakdown from which, I think, he never fully recovered.
He's always wanted things done his way or not at all. The fact we haven't had kids he probably doesn't know how to deal with as that's not what you do - you're supposed to get married and have children. That's the way to do it. Even after hubby and I got back together we had to do it by his rules - we had to meet up and go through a humiliating meeting at a local pub one evening where my brother grilled him about how he had changed and how could my brother be sure that the same things wouldn't just happened again (this post here). My brother was quite clear that this meeting had to happen before he was allowed to meet up with the rest of my family socially. Even after that meeting hubby wasn't allowed to be near the kids for months afterwards, even now he's still not called uncle - they call him by his first name only.
It is very very rare that a situation is completely black and white and it frustrates me that he is refusing to see any other side of this than his. In earlier messages to him, as you could see as I've posted them all in various 'fractious families' posts on this blog, I have quite clearly said that I love him and want to spend more time with him not less so please can we sort this out. I have never received anything similar in reply. As with everything with him, things have to be done his way or not at all.
All of this has made me re-evaluate something he said to me on my wedding day. Half way through the evening disco he pulled me outside for a one-to-one chat. He told me he was so pleased for me, that I would now have the life I should have as he was really worried I'd end up being single for the rest of my life surrounded by cats. I remember it so clearly as I laughed at this point and said it would have been dogs rather than cats. At the time I thought it was so sweet of him, but now I see it in a very different way. He was congratulating me for conforming - well done, you've finally done what I think you should do and will now live your life how I think life should be followed.
Christmas came and went, we didn't see his children and gave their Christmas presents to my mum to pass on. For the first time however we had just bought what we wanted to buy them, we hadn't been restricted by a list that was an after thought as all the main presents that the kids had wanted had all been bought by grandparents. So that was something at least. And then it was my brother's birthday in January, and for the first time ever I didn't acknowledge it. And I felt terrible. Really terrible. Which is absurd, but there you go. I don't know why was I the one feeling bad when he had done nothing for my birthday or for hubby's birthday but still. It was all very strange.
By February half term I was missing the kids desperately, this was the longest gap I'd had without seeing at least one of them since they were born. The last time we had seen them had been eldest nephew's birthday the previous September and I didn't want the next time we saw them to be July when the other two had their birthdays. Whilst we had been facetiming them, it's not the same as seeing them in the flesh. Since I had been quite clearly told not to contact my brother again it fell to hubby to text my brother, this is how that conversation went:
HUBBY
Hello. Is there a chance we could take the kids out for a hour or two during half term week? Local to your house obviously as we can’t take them in the car. Maybe to the local park? MY NAME really struggled not seeing them over Christmas and it’ll probably be birthdays in the summer before we get another chance in person
BROTHER
Absolutely not no. If I’m honest I can’t believe you both have even asked with what has been going on and I’m quite angry about it. How you think we would even entertain the question.
I’ve been quite reasonable not stopping the kids talking to MY NAME and using them against her cos contrary to what your wife thinks, I’m not evil. But taking them out is absolutely out of the question.
And yes, unless MY NAME is ready to apologise for what she’s done then yes it will be the Summer.
We since found out from my mum that they had a different half term week to me so we probably couldn't have seen them anyway, but of course that is not the point. This therefore means that, moving forward, we will see them three times over three months - then nothing for nine months. That's all we're allowed. How is that fair on them apart from anything else?! My sister-in-law was frequently lecturing me about the sort of relationship she wanted me to have with her children (whilst simultaneously restricting my access to them, but that's another story - and one I've probably written about before!) and yet we were being prevented from having any real relationship with them. Secretly I would imagine that, actually, she was pleased that all this had happened as it meant I wasn't in her life. She's always made me feel as if she doesn't want me around and has never hidden her disdain for me so no doubt she wasn't pushing my brother to sort this out, she also was of the impression it was all down to me as that left me out of the picture which was what she wanted anyway.
So, we continued to facetime them as often as we could. Most weekends we would call, they wouldn't answer, and sometimes they'd phone us back and sometimes they wouldn't. But in every call we would tell them that we loved them. We asked about school, about friends, about plans for weekends and it was lovely. Eldest nephew would always talk to us about football, littlest nephew would always show us something or read something to us and our niece would always just babble away and not necessarily make any sense but it was wonderful. I have no idea how much they know about what's going on but they're not stupid, eldest nephew I think has an inkling. Towards the end of last year he injured his knee in a football tackle and we had known that, but we were not told that earlier this year he had surgery which required a couple of nights in hospital and left him with crutches and a leg brace. We hadn't managed to get hold of them for a couple of weeks so when we did get a video call from them I asked him how school had been that week. He looked at me very confused and said he hadn't been at school, when I asked why not he was perplexed and said 'don't you know?' to which we of course replied 'know what?' and he turned the camera round to show us his leg in its brace. I felt terrible, we had had no idea at all and he didn't understand why we didn't know.
So this is how we continued until earlier this month when it was littlest nephew's birthday. We had been invited to the party and to our niece's party two weeks later. Well, hubby had just been sent a picture of the invites but still - we were going! Hubby and I were both so unbelievably nervous and spent the entire morning before we left snapping at each other. Littlest nephew was having a lazer quest party with his friends, it wasn't at my brother's house, so we left early and got there before anyone else. We sat in the car and saw my brother and both sets of grandparents turn up at the same time. We got out the car, my brother and his wife and the two younger children had already run in the building at this point but eldest nephew was slower on his crutches so we saw him and said hello. Didn't want to pick him up for a hug so gave him a squeeze as best we could. We walked in the littlest nephew turned round from where he was sitting and looked at me nervously, I beckoned him over and he ran towards me so fast - I gathered him up in my arms and squeezed him and it was wonderful. The best feeling in the world and my emotions got the better of me and I did start crying, I didn't want to let him go. I told him I loved him and that I'd missed him - he told me he'd missed me too. He then said I was hurting his tummy so I put him down! Hubby then picked him up and I scooped up our niece and squeezed her tightly, told her I loved her and that I'd missed her - she said she'd missed me too. When I put her down I was really crying and sister-in-law's mother turned to me and said 'haven't you seen them for a while?' and I said no, that we hadn't seen them since September. I have no idea what she knows but I'm pretty sure her daughter tells her everything, they're very close.
Littlest nephew then had friends that arrived and hubby and I hung back, off they all went to play two games of lazer quest. There was a pool table so I played eldest nephew at pool, with hubby helping him. Niece wanted to get involved too but once she'd taken a couple of shots she got bored but that was fine - eldest nephew seemed to really enjoy it. We were very patient with eldest nephew, let him retake shots he completely fluffed and occasionally moving balls around (both of us commented later that if he'd been playing with my brother he would have been yelled out so frequently - don't hold the cue like that, I've told you how to do it already why weren't you listening, stop moving the balls, either you want to play or you don't - etc etc) but eldest nephew did eventually win the game and it was great fun. After the two games of lazer quest littlest nephew and all his friends had a little room where they had hot dogs and slushies and were given all their scores. There was then cake, and littlest nephew handed out sweets to his friends as he said goodbye to them.
Then something magical happened. Whilst my brother and SIL were clearing up, after littlest nephew had said goodbye to all his friends, he walked over to me and put his arms around me. I was so taken aback but he still only comes up to my belly button so I bent my knees slightly and put my arms around him back. And there we stayed. Neither of us moved until he let go what felt like ten minutes later. I'm sure it wasn't that long, but it was just the most wonderful feeling. All his presents were bagged up and we went out to the cars, hugged them all and told them how much we loved them. As we went to walk off littlest nephew suddenly shouted 'one more hug HUBBY's NAME' and ran up to him, which was just adorable. And also meant that I could sneak one more hug!!
As expected my brother ignored me the entire time, only acknowledging my presence when telling off eldest nephew for spending too long on SIL mother's phone have already watched a football video on my phone earlier. I'd much preferred it if SIL had completely ignored me I think. The only communication was had was when she looked at me, as if I was a piece of sh!t stuck to the bottom of her shoe, and said 'do you want cake' in an exasperated tone that made it sound as if she resented my mere existence. I politely replied 'no thank you' but she clearly hadn't wanted to ask me in the first place. I saw my mum talking to my brother at the end looking exasperated and I did wonder if she was saying something about the situation, that we needed to see kids and/or vice versa. I have no idea if that is what was being said, but if it was I'm pretty sure my brother's response would have been something along the lines of 'well, she knows what she needs to do'.
Two weeks' later was niece's party, and we'd even managed to speak to them all over facetime the weekend in-between. This was slightly different as it was a dance party at a local church hall, littlest nephew was getting involved in the dancing and eldest nephew was sulking as, whilst his leg brace had come off and he had no crutches (first we knew of this was when we saw him that afternoon of course), he couldn't join in. Nothing had been brought to entertain him and so he just walked around the room and looked grumpy, occasionally sitting down to chat. We just sat at the back watching everything, there was nothing else to do - at least two weeks' earlier there had been the pool table but there was nothing here.
After dancing it was lunch time and whilst our niece and all her friends sat at little tables to eat, our nephews sat with us (not that we were eating) and we talked to them whilst they ate. This time it was my mother, who had pretty much ignored us the entire time we were there (making me think my guess work at the end of littlest nephew's party was correct), who asked us if we wanted any birthday cake so my brother and my sister-in-law did indeed ignore both of us the whole time we were there for this party. Once everything was being cleared up and our niece had said goodbye to all her friends, littlest nephew yet again came up and just put his arms around me. It was again the most wonderful feeling and I didn't let go until he did.
Then it came to saying goodbye and, again, I scooped up littlest nephew and just squeezed him until he let go. Then put him down and did the same for our niece. Both said they missed us as we left, and we won't now see them until eldest nephew's birthday in September - then it'll be nothing until next summer again. It's just heart breaking.
One thing I should add is that at both parties hubby managed to get a picture of the two of us with all three kids. As we were driving to littlest nephew's party he had suggested doing as such and I had laughed at him saying there was no way that would happen. But it did - at littlest nephew's party it was very much a quick photo with eldest nephew asking me to make sure his crutches were hidden, but it's the best photo as our niece is squeezing hubby so hard his glasses are wonky! It's brilliant. Then at niece's party we had a nice photo and then a silly photo - which is just hilarious. So I do have those memories at least, and we'll of course continue to facetime them as much as we can. But those hugs, oh holy hell those hugs. I'll be dining off them for a long time which, really, is just as well 😢💔
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