Secrets and Lies

I realise that I haven't blogged for a long time, and there is a very simple reason for that. There was absolutely nothing to blog about. My brother is still not talking to me but we manage to facetime his children every few weeks, although we weren't invited to their birthdays this year which was heartbreaking, so it's well over a year now since we've actually seen them. The new house is taking shape, we're both in the same jobs, my parents have had health issues but this isn't the place to talk about that. There really wasn't any news or anything to blog about. Except, well, that's not exactly true.......

We decided to give adoption one more shot. In June, we went away for our wedding anniversary. Suddenly, away from everyone and everything else, and in a venue where we were surrounded by children full of sugar being persuaded (altho, to be honest, it didn't take much persuasion!) to do all manner of silly dance moves and wacky games on the dancefloor before the evening entertainment proper started. For whatever reason, we weren't annoyed by it. Usually that family-centric environment is the kind of thing we actively avoid, but not this time. Maybe we were in a better mood, maybe it was because we'd had a few sherbets ourselves, but it was unexpectedly endearing. And, out of nowhere, Hubby suddenly declared that that's what he really wanted. He wanted me to be telling him off for giving them more sweets as they ran round in circles next to us. 

So, there we are. A third agency was found, another online training session was attended and in September we filled in and submitted the application form. We told no one. We were so scared it would all fall through yet again and we didn't want anyone getting their hopes up for us. The application form was the most comprehensive one we'd filled in and required multiple referees to be listed, so we did tell those people what was going on - we didn't want to put names and contact details down for people without telling them that's what we were doing with their information. It was a grand total of three people. We'd both put our mum's down but didn't tell them, I can't imagine they'll refuse us a reference so we felt comfortable putting their details down without saying anything or telling them what was going on.

The application was approved and we had a social worker come and see us at our house. This is the furthest we had ever got before!! But it was exhausting, we spoke to him for over two hours and went through not only our relationship history (including our split) and fertility history, but also mental health history and family history. For me, of course, this included what has gone on with my brother. The fact we have never spent one-on-one time with our nephews and niece, to them, is a red flag. The fact my sister-in-law has openly said "I don't trust you with my children" has, of course, concerned them - I believe the phrase was 'a possible safeguarding issue'. Great. So at the moment we are being tentatively progressed as they want a reference from my brother and sister-in-law to explain this. Well, that's going to be fun.

I genuinely have no idea if they will do that for us. I want to say that my brother won't be that pigheaded but I know full well he can be when he wants to be, the fact we had no invite to his children's birthday parties this year is testament to that. It's also forced our hand slightly as if they are at least going to ask them for a reference (regardless of whether or not they will give it), we need to come clean to parents as I'll have to tell my parents and it's unfair then not to tell hubby's parents. And it's sooner than we wanted to tell them but needs must, particularly as we've outright lied to them over the past few months about this kind of things but it needed to be done. Let's hope they understand that!

Speaking of my brother.... Since we aren't allowed to see them in person, the only contact we have with them are video calls. The last two calls we've only spoken to our niece and littlest nephew, eldest nephew hasn't spoken to us which was a shame. We had no idea why he hadn't spoken to us, I wasn't even sure he was home during the first call but I saw him at their dining table in the background of the second call. He started secondary school in September and I wanted to know how he was getting on. After the second call without speaking to him I started to worry and even said to hubby that if it happens a third time I would have to bring it up with my mum (even though she usually shuts down any conversation about them or my brother when I bring it up) just to make sure he's ok. He could have just been busy with homework or similar, but two calls in a row had concerned me. Then I got the following text from my sister-in-law:

ELDEST NEPHEW has been made aware of what has happened over the past 18months or so, as he has asked questions about why they haven’t seen you for over 14 months now apart from the odd video call. He has made the decision that he doesn’t want to speak to you both at the moment and, as we always do, we will ask each time you call or they call you back if he wishes to speak or not. We will not be pushing him on this as it’s his decision to make and we will respect his wishes. 

As I always do, I have changed names to titles but that is the only thing I have changed about the text message she sent me.

First things first; "the odd video call" - how passive aggressive is that?! They never answer when we video call them, they will call us back later. We call them virtually every weekend, they call us back around once a month. If it's "the odd call" then that's on YOU - not us. Secondly, what exactly have they told him?! That I was mean and didn't apologise? That I called his dad names and didn't say sorry? That I told a load of lies and couldn't see the error of my ways? Whatever they said, it was surely just their side of things and why wouldn't he side with his parents. Especially ones that are so controlling and will therefore only tell him the facts that suit them. Parents that have never, ever, deigned to imagine there was any other side to this then theirs. They are right and I am wrong, simple. I just hope that at some point in the future he starts to think for himself and will realise that there are always two sides (minimum!) to every story, that he hasn't been told the whole truth. I realise now I have been incredibly naive, as I always seem to be sadly when it comes to my brother. I was hoping that as his children got older and got more independent we might actually start to speak to them more and perhaps see them occasionally. That's obviously not going to happen, there's a very real chance it'll actually go in the complete opposite direction, and all this has done is make my heart hurt.

The other thing that I've wondered about is the timing of all this, call me a cynical old cow but do you remember over Christmas last year when my brother clearly panicked that he was losing control of the narrative when it came to this? (the end of this post) Eldest nephew started secondary school in September, I sent him a card (with a small chocolate bar in it) a few weeks after he'd started at that school to wish him luck and tell him that I worked in a secondary school so if he had any questions, or if I could help with anything, he could always just ask me. A couple of weeks later I get a notification on LinkedIn that 'someone had viewed your profile' - low and behold it's my sister-in-law. What on earth is she doing looking at my LinkedIn profile?! She clearly doesn't use the site very much, her job title was listed under her name in my notifications and it was a job she left at least three years ago. I also can't imagine she would have looked at my profile on there if she knew I'd find out! Further proof she doesn't know how LinkedIn works... But she's blocked me on FB and never accepted followed requests from me on Twitter or Instagram so how else was she going to be nosey and find out about my job?! And, of course, heaven forbid one of her children comes to me for help and gets closer to me so this is when they decide to tell him.

Now, there is every chance he has asked questions and they told him and this could be a complete coincidence but as I say - I'm cynical and I'm not sure the timings here aren't entirely unlinked. I know he's asked questions before as we've been chastised (in the post I linked to above) for forcing my brother to tell more than he wanted to. But, on this occasion, once they've verified where I worked, they've answered his questions. It's horrible, I hate it. When I read her text I sobbed. But it is what it is. We can only keep doing what we're doing and hope, hope against hope, that one day things will be ok.

Now What?

So. We'd moved house, the adoption was progressing, I was starting to hope!! More fool me.

After we'd moved house, a further phone call was booked for mid-January with another social worker and it wasn't good news. Our application is on indefinite hold. Things have changed since the summer and there are fewer children available (which I guess is a good thing) and they already have a lot of prospective adopters on their books who are already approved so are not moving forward with anyone new at the moment. They weren't sure when, or even if, the situation would ever change but we were welcome to get in touch with them every couple of months to ask the question.

Great. More limbo.

So, yet more research was done into other agencies and other charities that offered the same thing. The phone call I mention above took place in January, by February we'd emailed another agency and had been accepted by them so hoped that would progress. It's now been six weeks and they're no longer replying to my emails. I got in touch with our first agency to see if the situation had changed, it hadn't. Suddenly there is a very real possibility that this isn't going to happen for us. There are only so many times we can bang our heads against the wall and hope that wall will come down. It seems that wall is very firmly up, we can't get to the other side, and I'm genuinely not sure how much energy we both have to keep trying. Hubby is 40 this year and I'm a good few years older than him, at some point we need to just realise this is our life now. Just us. 

Hubby is suddenly on the same page as me, before Christmas he had started volunteering at a local cubs group to get more childcare experience - as requested by our first adoption charity. He's always been great with kids, and he always comes back from his evenings with them smiling, but he's going to give it up in the summer. If we're not able to adopt then he doesn't 'need' the experience and every evening there just reminds him of what we don't have. It's heartbreaking.

I try and feel positive, I try and look for the good in things. I know I have so much to be thankful and grateful for. But it's difficult, I cannot deny there is a massive chasm in my life - a huge, enormous, all consuming black hole where my children should be, what my life should be. And the pregnancy announcements keep coming, and the moaning from those that have children keeps coming. All the while I'm sat here wondering what the point of my life is. Genuinely, how do I get to the other side of this? How do I feel that my life isn't utterly worthless? 

There is now a very real possibility that this isn't going to happen for us. I really didn't think that would happen, I'm sorry if that sounds naïve but I really didn't. I always thought something somehow would work out, even if it wasn't our first choice or how we thought it would look like - I nevertheless always thought that SOMETHING would happen. I genuinely didn't consider that at the end of the road we would actually be childless. And that is now very realistically what it looks like our future will be.

Onwards...............

I haven't blogged for a long time, and for that I am sorry. There's a couple of reasons really; firstly, since we're not actively TTC anymore and aren't planning on any more treatment there really isn't that much to write about! And then, secondly, the blog tends to get behind whenever big things happen with my brother. I always need to muster the emotional and mental strength to write a post about anything that goes on with him and therefore relive all that that entails and so things get delayed. But, that has now been done (and it was done a while ago - sorry), so here's where we are on the reason I actually created this blog in the first place (I realise this is the only safe space I have to talk about my family with this much honesty and I very VERY much appreciate you for reading it but, let's face it, this is a fertility blog and not a family blog).

We always said from the beginning that we didn't want to go down the donor route, any child would either be 100% us or 100% not us, we decided a long time ago that we really didn't want anything in-between. So, it's taken some time but we have decided to go down the route of adoption. Forgive me if this sounds horrendously arrogant, but maybe we aren't meant to have our own children as we have too much love to give and there are children out there that desperately need it more than a biological child would. Therefore, the research began.

We attended a video call with our local council adoption service and we really didn't like how they were doing things, quite a lot rubbed us very much up the wrong way, so we found a charity. A very large one that really did seem to do things very well and we enrolled on one of their video calls. That all went well and so we downloaded the (very long....) application form and started filling it in. The brother of one of my best friends has adopted two kids with his wife and so we went over there for an evening and asked all manner of questions and there was incredibly generous with their time and their knowledge. More research was done, more information was sought. Eventually, the form was completed and off it went. 

Two months later we both had an initial phone call with a social worker, we talked with her for an hour and it seemed to go really well. Weirdly, they said hubby needed more childcare experience but I was fine. It's to do with our jobs, which I don't really want to go into here for obvious reasons, but I did think it strange. So, he signed up with a local cub group as a volunteer leader and I forked out a huge amount of money on a load of books it was recommended that we read. Very enticing titles too:

• Parenting a Child Who Has Experienced Trauma Parenting Matters 
• Parenting a Child With Difficulties In Learning Caused By Trauma
• Parenting a Child With Emotional and Behavioural Difficulties       
• Parenting a Child Affected by Parental Substance Misuse
• Parenting a Child Affected by Domestic Violence
• Loving and Living with Traumatised Children: Reflections by Adoptive Parents

Don't they just make you want to read them?! Name me anyone who's had kids that has been judged so much beforehand - hoops to jump through, medicals and references and financial checks. How is this fair?!?!? Sorry, I know I should look at the bigger picture of this is how we get to be a family but sometimes it's just so hard.

*breathe*

Anyway........

This was all going on last summer (i.e. Summer 2022) and after that initial phone call everything was put on hold as we were in the process of buying a house. We couldn't do anything further until we'd moved, there was no point progressing the application and sending a social worker round to see us if we weren't living in the property that the child would live in. We finally moved in November last year and informed the charity in December once we'd done about half of the unpacking, a follow up call was scheduled for January 2023.

Meanwhile, the hypocrisy of my brother continues. We facetimed his kids before Christmas and it was heartbreaking, our niece came out with "I want to see you at Christmas but mummy says I'm not allowed". She's five. And then eldest nephew asked if we were going to come over on Christmas Day and I said that I'd love to but we couldn't. It was the end of the call, he'd already been told to hang up, and so I wasn't going to explain any further but I was not going to lie to him. After that phone call, hubby got the following text from my brother:

Don’t tell ELDEST NEPHEW that you ‘can’t’ come round for Christmas cos that’s a lie. It’s now made him question with us why you ‘can’t’ come round as there was no explanation to it and it’s left me having to explain a few things!! He’s really pushed asking why now so I’ve had to tell him that it’s not that you ‘can’t’ it’s that you wouldn’t want to cos of some things that have gone on between us and quite frankly that we wouldn’t want you coming over cos of it either.

It’s put me in a very awkward situation with my son now as I’ve now had to tell him more than I wanted to as I was trying to keep them out of it. It’s bad enough for them as it is that they only know you guys as just a face on a screen once a week for 5mins or so.

Don’t act to my children like nothing has happened, especially ELDEST NEPHEW being the eldest, and act to him like you’re both just an innocent party leaving us having to explain.

Wow. Erm, how is it lying when he says in the next breath that they don't want us coming over?! How is it my fault that he needs to tell his children about this? He could have just said we were spending Christmas Day with hubby's family (which we were, but only because there was nowhere else to go). There was no reason to give that level of detail to his son if he didn't want to so I do find this interesting. They've also changed where their facetime calls take place. Previously, each child would be in their own bedroom but now they're in the downstairs playroom which can easily be overheard by adults in the lounge or kitchen. Anyone else think that he's scared about losing control of the narrative?! He's the one that's not keeping the kids out of it by saying we can't see them.........

So, it's been a very rocky road in the past year and who knows what the future will hold. For now at least, we have a very lovely house and are keeping absolutely everything crossed that we might actually get that happy ending.

Fractious Families - An epilogue

This post has taken me a while to write. The events it covers go back to November last year and every time I've tried to write it I've been pushed back by the strength of emotion that rises within me, the sheer volume of tears that overcome me and the pain that rips my soul. However, if I don't write it then it will continue to hang over me so I need to finish it and publish it. Especially since, after the past few weeks, things seem to have at least come to a natural place to end this blogpost on. So, here we go.

Prior to the pandemic, I was to be in a theatre show (just in our local theatre, nowhere too flash) and it was a family show so I was hoping that lots of people would come and see me in it. I've been doing amateur theatre for years, it's how hubby and I met, and I've always enjoyed it but I've not always been successful getting lots of people to come and see me! My brother has never seen me in any show I have ever been in, my parents frequently used to come but due to dad's illnesses that has become fewer and further between as I've got older. I've been to almost all of my brother's marathons/10Ks/half marathons to support him but he's never been to support me. But - this was a family show so I wanted to ask if him and the kids wanted to see the show. He had said yes straight away, which had utterly astounded me (I'd had a whole speech prepared to try and persuade him), but I wasn't about to let him change his mind and so the tickets were booked.

And then Covid happened, we got as far as the dress rehearsal and were shut down. Roll forward eighteen months and we had a new performance date of March this year and I was hoping my brother would still come with the kids to watch me - despite what had happened over the past few months between the two of us (all detailed here in previous 'fractious families' posts). So, when I was sent an email about how tickets would be transferred to the new dates I sent it on to him with just an 'FYI' in the email. As that's all it was - for his information about tickets he already had. And so another vitriolic email chain ensued, this was his reply:

I’ve not spoken to you in a year, you’ve not even acknowledged what you said to me/called me/accused me and MY WIFE of let alone attempted to apologise and you send us an email with just ‘FYI’ expecting us to act on it!!

I’ll end this here before I say anything more

After everything that has happened I've given up holding my tongue, and so this was my reply:

The choice not to talk to me is yours, not mine. And it's not been a year, the last time we exchanged texts was in May when I asked if we could meet up and spend some time with the kids over the early bank holiday and you said no. I have acknowledged what I said to you many times, what I've not done is apologised and I'm not going to. I've tried to sort this out and you're not interested. There was no expectation to act on the email I sent, all I did was forward to you information about tickets you've booked.

Until you are prepared to apologise to me, or at least agree to meet me half way and take some responsibility for your actions, I don't want to talk about this anymore. I have offered many suggestions, to you and YOUR WIFE, to resolve this and you have refused them all. You are the one dragging this out, not me, in your belligerence to not see both sides of what's happened. I am not going round in circles on this again, the pain you cause me is too great.

I knew that would upset him and I knew it would make him angry but, like I said, I was fighting fire with fire at this point and couldn't be bothered to pussyfoot around him anymore. I was pretty sure his reply would be that I was insane, it was all in my own head (as a lot of his narrative has been along those lines) and that nothing would happen until I apologised to him. I only had to wait four days to be proved absolutely correct. This was his reply:

The email was sent in a nonchalant manor as if nothing has happened, a skill of which you seem to have made your own. I’m not interested in even considering doing anything like this and you’re foolish to think I would be so don’t waste your time.

MY NAME you are delusional and need to get a grip if you think me and MY WIFE have anything to apologise for.

You’re right, I’m not interested in talking to you, that is until I get an apology and acknowledgment of what you said was uncalled for and unfounded. With your stubbornness and lack of realisation that you’ve done something wrong I’m gona guess this will never happen tho.

There have been no suggestions from you and quite frankly unless it’s the above I’m not interested in alternatives.

Unless you are doing that I’d suggest you don’t contact me again, even in a fleeting email.

And there you have it - gaslighting at its finest. My very real feelings have been utterly dismissed, I'm delusional. I'm being bullied into an apology for calling him a bully, and there is no way he gets that irony. 

So that's that then. Whilst my anger is mainly from frustration I also find this all so incredibly sad. He is my brother, my only sibling, when my father continues to be gravely ill. Aside from when we were very small we've never been best of friends, never been particularly close, but as we've got older we've got on. Never friendly, never texting to check in on each other or anything like that but it certainly wasn't acrimonious. Until around the time second nephew was born. We were struggling to conceive, they were having their second, and around nine months after he was born my brother had a breakdown from which, I think, he never fully recovered. 

He's always wanted things done his way or not at all. The fact we haven't had kids he probably doesn't know how to deal with as that's not what you do - you're supposed to get married and have children. That's the way to do it. Even after hubby and I got back together we had to do it by his rules - we had to meet up and go through a humiliating meeting at a local pub one evening where my brother grilled him about how he had changed and how could my brother be sure that the same things wouldn't just happened again (this post here). My brother was quite clear that this meeting had to happen before he was allowed to meet up with the rest of my family socially. Even after that meeting hubby wasn't allowed to be near the kids for months afterwards, even now he's still not called uncle - they call him by his first name only.

It is very very rare that a situation is completely black and white and it frustrates me that he is refusing to see any other side of this than his. In earlier messages to him, as you could see as I've posted them all in various 'fractious families' posts on this blog, I have quite clearly said that I love him and want to spend more time with him not less so please can we sort this out. I have never received anything similar in reply. As with everything with him, things have to be done his way or not at all. 

All of this has made me re-evaluate something he said to me on my wedding day. Half way through the evening disco he pulled me outside for a one-to-one chat. He told me he was so pleased for me, that I would now have the life I should have as he was really worried I'd end up being single for the rest of my life surrounded by cats. I remember it so clearly as I laughed at this point and said it would have been dogs rather than cats. At the time I thought it was so sweet of him, but now I see it in a very different way. He was congratulating me for conforming - well done, you've finally done what I think you should do and will now live your life how I think life should be followed.

Christmas came and went, we didn't see his children and gave their Christmas presents to my mum to pass on. For the first time however we had just bought what we wanted to buy them, we hadn't been restricted by a list that was an after thought as all the main presents that the kids had wanted had all been bought by grandparents. So that was something at least. And then it was my brother's birthday in January, and for the first time ever I didn't acknowledge it. And I felt terrible. Really terrible. Which is absurd, but there you go. I don't know why was I the one feeling bad when he had done nothing for my birthday or for hubby's birthday but still. It was all very strange.

By February half term I was missing the kids desperately, this was the longest gap I'd had without seeing at least one of them since they were born. The last time we had seen them had been eldest nephew's birthday the previous September and I didn't want the next time we saw them to be July when the other two had their birthdays. Whilst we had been facetiming them, it's not the same as seeing them in the flesh. Since I had been quite clearly told not to contact my brother again it fell to hubby to text my brother, this is how that conversation went:

HUBBY

Hello. Is there a chance we could take the kids out for a hour or two during half term week? Local to your house obviously as we can’t take them in the car. Maybe to the local park? MY NAME really struggled not seeing them over Christmas and it’ll probably be birthdays in the summer before we get another chance in person 

BROTHER

Absolutely not no. If I’m honest I can’t believe you both have even asked with what has been going on and I’m quite angry about it. How you think we would even entertain the question.

I’ve been quite reasonable not stopping the kids talking to MY NAME and using them against her cos contrary to what your wife thinks, I’m not evil. But taking them out is absolutely out of the question.

And yes, unless MY NAME is ready to apologise for what she’s done then yes it will be the Summer.

We since found out from my mum that they had a different half term week to me so we probably couldn't have seen them anyway, but of course that is not the point. This therefore means that, moving forward, we will see them three times over three months - then nothing for nine months. That's all we're allowed. How is that fair on them apart from anything else?! My sister-in-law was frequently lecturing me about the sort of relationship she wanted me to have with her children (whilst simultaneously restricting my access to them, but that's another story - and one I've probably written about before!) and yet we were being prevented from having any real relationship with them. Secretly I would imagine that, actually, she was pleased that all this had happened as it meant I wasn't in her life. She's always made me feel as if she doesn't want me around and has never hidden her disdain for me so no doubt she wasn't pushing my brother to sort this out, she also was of the impression it was all down to me as that left me out of the picture which was what she wanted anyway.

So, we continued to facetime them as often as we could. Most weekends we would call, they wouldn't answer, and sometimes they'd phone us back and sometimes they wouldn't. But in every call we would tell them that we loved them. We asked about school, about friends, about plans for weekends and it was lovely. Eldest nephew would always talk to us about football, littlest nephew would always show us something or read something to us and our niece would always just babble away and not necessarily make any sense but it was wonderful. I have no idea how much they know about what's going on but they're not stupid, eldest nephew I think has an inkling. Towards the end of last year he injured his knee in a football tackle and we had known that, but we were not told that earlier this year he had surgery which required a couple of nights in hospital and left him with crutches and a leg brace. We hadn't managed to get hold of them for a couple of weeks so when we did get a video call from them I asked him how school had been that week. He looked at me very confused and said he hadn't been at school, when I asked why not he was perplexed and said 'don't you know?' to which we of course replied 'know what?' and he turned the camera round to show us his leg in its brace. I felt terrible, we had had no idea at all and he didn't understand why we didn't know. 

So this is how we continued until earlier this month when it was littlest nephew's birthday. We had been invited to the party and to our niece's party two weeks later. Well, hubby had just been sent a picture of the invites but still - we were going! Hubby and I were both so unbelievably nervous and spent the entire morning before we left snapping at each other. Littlest nephew was having a lazer quest party with his friends, it wasn't at my brother's house, so we left early and got there before anyone else. We sat in the car and saw my brother and both sets of grandparents turn up at the same time. We got out the car, my brother and his wife and the two younger children had already run in the building at this point but eldest nephew was slower on his crutches so we saw him and said hello. Didn't want to pick him up for a hug so gave him a squeeze as best we could. We walked in the littlest nephew turned round from where he was sitting and looked at me nervously, I beckoned him over and he ran towards me so fast - I gathered him up in my arms and squeezed him and it was wonderful. The best feeling in the world and my emotions got the better of me and I did start crying, I didn't want to let him go. I told him I loved him and that I'd missed him - he told me he'd missed me too. He then said I was hurting his tummy so I put him down! Hubby then picked him up and I scooped up our niece and squeezed her tightly, told her I loved her and that I'd missed her - she said she'd missed me too. When I put her down I was really crying and sister-in-law's mother turned to me and said 'haven't you seen them for a while?' and I said no, that we hadn't seen them since September. I have no idea what she knows but I'm pretty sure her daughter tells her everything, they're very close.

Littlest nephew then had friends that arrived and hubby and I hung back, off they all went to play two games of lazer quest. There was a pool table so I played eldest nephew at pool, with hubby helping him. Niece wanted to get involved too but once she'd taken a couple of shots she got bored but that was fine - eldest nephew seemed to really enjoy it. We were very patient with eldest nephew, let him retake shots he completely fluffed and occasionally moving balls around (both of us commented later that if he'd been playing with my brother he would have been yelled out so frequently - don't hold the cue like that, I've told you how to do it already why weren't you listening, stop moving the balls, either you want to play or you don't - etc etc) but eldest nephew did eventually win the game and it was great fun. After the two games of lazer quest littlest nephew and all his friends had a little room where they had hot dogs and slushies and were given all their scores. There was then cake, and littlest nephew handed out sweets to his friends as he said goodbye to them.

Then something magical happened. Whilst my brother and SIL were clearing up, after littlest nephew had said goodbye to all his friends, he walked over to me and put his arms around me. I was so taken aback but he still only comes up to my belly button so I bent my knees slightly and put my arms around him back. And there we stayed. Neither of us moved until he let go what felt like ten minutes later. I'm sure it wasn't that long, but it was just the most wonderful feeling. All his presents were bagged up and we went out to the cars, hugged them all and told them how much we loved them. As we went to walk off littlest nephew suddenly shouted 'one more hug HUBBY's NAME' and ran up to him, which was just adorable. And also meant that I could sneak one more hug!! 

As expected my brother ignored me the entire time, only acknowledging my presence when telling off eldest nephew for spending too long on SIL mother's phone have already watched a football video on my phone earlier. I'd much preferred it if SIL had completely ignored me I think. The only communication was had was when she looked at me, as if I was a piece of sh!t stuck to the bottom of her shoe, and said 'do you want cake' in an exasperated tone that made it sound as if she resented my mere existence. I politely replied 'no thank you' but she clearly hadn't wanted to ask me in the first place. I saw my mum talking to my brother at the end looking exasperated and I did wonder if she was saying something about the situation, that we needed to see kids and/or vice versa. I have no idea if that is what was being said, but if it was I'm pretty sure my brother's response would have been something along the lines of  'well, she knows what she needs to do'. 

Two weeks' later was niece's party, and we'd even managed to speak to them all over facetime the weekend in-between. This was slightly different as it was a dance party at a local church hall, littlest nephew was getting involved in the dancing and eldest nephew was sulking as, whilst his leg brace had come off and he had no crutches (first we knew of this was when we saw him that afternoon of course), he couldn't join in. Nothing had been brought to entertain him and so he just walked around the room and looked grumpy, occasionally sitting down to chat. We just sat at the back watching everything, there was nothing else to do - at least two weeks' earlier there had been the pool table but there was nothing here.

After dancing it was lunch time and whilst our niece and all her friends sat at little tables to eat, our nephews sat with us (not that we were eating) and we talked to them whilst they ate. This time it was my mother, who had pretty much ignored us the entire time we were there (making me think my guess work at the end of littlest nephew's party was correct), who asked us if we wanted any birthday cake so my brother and my sister-in-law did indeed ignore both of us the whole time we were there for this party. Once everything was being cleared up and our niece had said goodbye to all her friends, littlest nephew yet again came up and just put his arms around me. It was again the most wonderful feeling and I didn't let go until he did. 

Then it came to saying goodbye and, again, I scooped up littlest nephew and just squeezed him until he let go. Then put him down and did the same for our niece. Both said they missed us as we left, and we won't now see them until eldest nephew's birthday in September - then it'll be nothing until next summer again. It's just heart breaking. 

One thing I should add is that at both parties hubby managed to get a picture of the two of us with all three kids. As we were driving to littlest nephew's party he had suggested doing as such and I had laughed at him saying there was no way that would happen. But it did - at littlest nephew's party it was very much a quick photo with eldest nephew asking me to make sure his crutches were hidden, but it's the best photo as our niece is squeezing hubby so hard his glasses are wonky! It's brilliant. Then at niece's party we had a nice photo and then a silly photo - which is just hilarious. So I do have those memories at least, and we'll of course continue to facetime them as much as we can. But those hugs, oh holy hell those hugs. I'll be dining off them for a long time which, really, is just as well 😢💔

Reality used to be a friend of mine

 ***This post was written in February 2022, I'm just 

getting around to editing it and posting it now***

I'm making bad food choices, I'm drinking and hiding it from hubby, I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm utterly in limbo, this isn't the life I want to lead (or the life I thought I'd lead) but I can't see a way out right now.

These feelings creep into my head, that I'm yet again being punished. Any child that is up for adoption is not in that situation because they are unwanted, due to the availability of contraception and terminations, the children are all removed from their birth families by social services and/or court order. Whilst it does sound like issues can be reversed with a lot of love and care, I've started to genuinely feel resentful that we need to take this route in the first place. But what other option do we have??! And how bad a person does that make me be to even think these things? And so I go round in circles just beating myself up about it all. I really do want to give a child a good home, we have so much love to give, and I don't want to sound ungrateful as we're in the position financially to be able to do this but I still just can't shake these negative feelings about, well, EVERYTHING. Hence the drinking and the food choices. This is not where I want to be. Inside my head is not a nice place at the moment.

People always go on about how wonderful it must be to not have children, to do things at your own pace and have free weekends. Well, as ever things are never as wonderful as they seem. We generally have empty weekend upon empty weekend stretch out ahead of us - it is utterly mundane. Yes I love hubby but every evening and weekend just stretches ahead of us - just us, no one else. It's difficult to make plans with friends as they all have kids, so they need a lot of notice to get a sitter or similar or we end up seeing them with the kids. Which of course is lovely, but not exactly what we'd prefer to do. We've missed an entire tranche of life when it comes to friendships - I don't have an NCT group, we have no local friends, no one who we met at baby sensory class, or football training, or swimming lessons. Those that have children, just how many of the adults in your life are there because of your children? What would your life be like without them??! That's the reality. 

I just don't want to be here at the moment and I don't know where to turn. I should be feeling grateful we have the opportunity and can make a difference to a child that really needs a good home. Instead I feel resentful, which leads me to hating myself, and so it goes on. When does this end?! All I can see is darkness.

"There is always light, if only we're brave enough to see it. If only we're brave enough to be it." Amanda Gorman

It's Not My Fault

Even now I don't think I'm over the events of September last year (here, if you missed it), but because of how we'd been treated I had niggling doubts about whether our clinic had done anything wrong. I'm sure to be able to offer all these treatments there are regulations that need to be followed, but I couldn't shake the feeling - what if there had been mistreatment of our embryos? What if they'd given me different meds, would that have given us a different outcome? Had it actually been something that they had done that had meant our little frosty hadn't survived the thaw?

So, in December, we went for a second opinion. A specialist OBGYN was recommended to me by someone I trusted and we booked at appointment. She was lovely, went through everything, our entire history. Whilst she didn't conduct any further investigations, she went through everything with a fine toothcomb and explained things much more clearly than our clinic ever did. And she came to the same conclusion that we had eventually come to - we just don't make a human being, the combination of our DNA doesn't make cells that will develop into any form of life. Hubby's boys are all fine, my AMH levels and the reports from egg collection etc. don't indicate any issues with me. The two just don't mix, it's that simple.

Whilst it's a relief and somewhat freeing to know that there is nothing that can be done, it's no one's fault and it's just a quirk of fate, it is also beyond frustrating. It's just one of those things and there is absolutely nothing that can be done about it. But it has at least lifted a weight off my shoulders, for so long I was convinced it was something we'd done - why wasn't anything working? The IVF, the home insemination, all the vitamins and diets and everything else that had worked for everyone else. It must be my fault.

But it's not. It has nothing to do with the fact I have psoriasis at the top of my legs and can scratch the skin around my genitals until it bleeds - frequently having to cover everything (!) in sudocrem to treat it. It also has nothing to do with what I've washed my bits with over the years, the fact I had an eating disorder and abused alcohol and cigarettes in my 20s, it's nothing to do with the fact that I've had two mental breakdowns, the extra weight I'm carrying, the daily air pollution due to my work commute, my increasingly worse food intake or anything else. All those things at the back of your mind that you think - should I have done something differently? It also has nothing to do with hubby's two suicide attempts in his 20s, the fact that, technically, he shouldn't be here and the universe is punishing us. 

 

Suddenly it all makes sense, all those times my period was so late, even if his sperm had penetrated my egg and cells had started dividing my body would have rejected it. None of it worked and now I know it was never going to. It really is quite a thing to get your head around but at least we know now. We just need to move forward, although I'm genuinely not sure how to. Even now it just doesn't seem fair, it doesn't make any sense. And yes yes yes I know life isn't fair - but after the past few years I am well aware of that lesson. I really don't need to be taught it anymore. I don't know how to say this without sounding petty - but is there any chance we could please just be given a break?!? This is not the life I thought I'd be living, this is not the life I want to live. And I just can't get my head round it.

"Because here’s the thing about life: There's no accounting for what fate will deal you" 

Joe Biden, inaugural presidential address 20th Jan 2021

Round Two

So, now the horrendous post about my brother is out of the way I can finally get on with telling you what we've been up to earlier his year! If you follow me on twitter as well you'll already know some of this, so apologies, but I always find it quite therapeutic to actually get it all down in writing in more detail than twitter's 50 character limit will allow.

The last post I actually wrote about infertility is here, we had one frosty that we weren't sure what to do with and a friend that had kindly offered to give us about 70% of the money we'd need to do a second round. But did we want to do a second round? We went back and forth on this a lot after what had happened during our first round, would the same thing happen again? 

Eventually we decided to go ahead with it, but more for closure. We didn't expect it to work. Having said that there is, of course, always hope. Sometimes I wish there wasn't, but it is always there. When I say that this round was more for closure, I sincerely hope it doesn't sound callous or insensitive to anyone who is struggling to afford a second round or is just struggling with IVF in general. I know how lucky we were to get another round, we genuinely didn't think we would and were only able to since a friend of mine gave us a not insignificant amount of money. We weren't eligible for any rounds on the NHS and took a bank loan for the first round, which we're still paying back, so genuinely thought that our first round was our only shot. But we have been granted another chance. For us however it is not a chance to get pregnant, most (!) of me really doesn't think that will happen, it's a chance to answer the final niggling questions that we have about why things don't work. Haven't worked, won't ever work.

So, April this year we went off on the rollercoaster again - morning injections, frequent internal scans. Fun fun fun. I had a different drug in the 'pen' this time though and didn't get the pain that led hubby to take me to A&E the first time round. I have no idea if that's just a coincidence or if my body is just used to this shit now but there you go. I didn't quite follow the same pattern as the first round, although the clinic were happy with what they saw at every scan. The day I went in for a scan, on what was the equivalent in my first round of booking the trigger shot, they decided that my follicles weren't doing as well as they would have liked and so prescribed me more drugs for the trigger to be four days later. That didn't sit well with work but hey, needs must and work were very understanding about it all.

The retrieval operation did not go as well this time round for many reasons. First and foremost, due to Covid, hubby had to leave me before I went into theatre and he wasn't there when I came round afterwards. When I did come round I was in a lot of pain, far more than I had been first time round, and I hated that he wasn't there. They wouldn't bring him down until they'd done some more checks on me, I eventually found out that there had been some complications. I'd bled a lot from the vaginal incision so they had to fix that, plus there had been an issue with one of my ovaries. They had found a chocolate cyst which they'd also had to deal with. At least that all explained the extra pain! They'd had to put antibiotics through my canular as well as the sedative during the procedure and once I said how much pain I was in they also put some liquid paracetamol through it. That didn't work either so I was given some co-codamol tablets. 

By then I was stable so we were given the news. In our first round they'd got 20 eggs out of me (20!! Still astounded at the number despite how things turned out) but this time there were only six. Six. That seemed like a kick in the teeth, we'd gone through it all again for a lousy six eggs. Now, this of course was not my first rodeo so I know it's actually all about how many were mature and how many fertilised rather than how many were retrieved in the first place. Nevertheless, it didn't feel like a good place to be starting at when I compared it to our first round. 

As it turned out, it really was quality not quantity - of the six collected, all six were mature and five fertilised. So that put us on a much better footing! Nine fertilised from our first round so we were really hopeful that this time we might actually end up with something. Despite having to continuously remind myself of the reasons we were doing this - for closure, for answers. It wasn't going to work, remember?!

And it didn't. Of the five that fertilised only two made it to blastocyst and they failed the same tests the ones from the first round had - not suitable for transfer. So that was that. Except that, if you recall, one of our blastos from the first round hadn't failed but had come back as a 'no result'. Did we risk a transfer? We went back and forth on this one a lot. But at the end of the day we decided to take a punt, we decided that we'd always be asking ourselves 'what if' if we didn't. So, five months after starting drugs for our second round of IVF I started the drugs to prepare for transfer. Hormone patches, more injections and pessaries. All the fun of the fair.

The patches were annoying, they didn't stick and frequently came off in the shower. Cue panic that I wasn't getting the hormones in my system. The first injections, Fyremadel, were the same as the second injections from a normal IVF round (i.e. to stop me ovulating) so that was fine - well, as fine as these things ever are. However the injections that I then switched to for the second week were more problematic. We were given a small vial, a tube and two sets of needles. You needed attach a needle to the tube, draw the liquid from the vial (which I was rubbish at but hubby proved very adept) and then inject it. Trouble is, they didn't tell me there were two different needles for this process. A very large and very thick needle to draw up the liquid, then a very small and very thin needle to then inject. The first time I did this I injected with the larger needle which was just BEYOND painful. We only found the second smaller needles on the second day and suddenly it all made sense. So, injection fun plus patches fun. Oh! And twice daily pessaries. Mustn't forget them. You can see in this pic the size of the needles (the green ones are the larger ones that I incorrectly used to inject myself initially):

All of the scans I had throughout this process were fine, lining way above what they were looking for and where it needed to be so all systems go. Transfer was all booked, paperwork filled out and hoops jumped through. It was finally going to happen, I was ACTUALLY going to be pregnant!!!! Now, please don't get me wrong - I was fully prepared for the test you have to take two weeks later to be negative. Genuinely I was, but for two glorious weeks I would be properly really actually (albeit technically......) pregnant. 

However it was not to be. The morning that transfer was booked for, when hubby was already on his way into town and I was half an hour away from leaving work the clinic called. Our little embryo hadn't survived the thawing process and so that was it. They were that heartless about it too, the empathy of their embryologists really does leave a lot to be desired but that's another conversation. I was heartbroken, of all the 'it's not going to work' scenarios I'd gone through in my head this wasn't one of them. I'd always assumed the transfer would happen and it would just fail at some point after that - the two-week-later test would be negative or, even if it was positive, I'd lose it before 12 weeks. I had never even considered that the transfer wouldn't actually happen. 

I tried to ask if we could try with one of the other embryos we had, I knew they were all technically unviable but I'd taken all the drugs and we had a slot in theatre so surely there was something that could be done?! The embryologist didn't know what to do with me so said one of the consultants would call me back. Once that phone call was over I desperately tried to get hold of hubby but he was on the tube. I left so many missed calls that he phoned me as soon as he was above ground, before the consultant had called me back. He was equally heartbroken but when he found out how the news had been broken to me he got angry - he wanted to go round there (I was still at work but he was ten minutes' walk from the clinic) and talk to someone. I told him not to just as the consultant called so I hung up on him with a promise to call straight back and took the other call. 

The consultant was far more measured and far more apologetic. She at least said she couldn't believe this had happened after all we'd been through and she was so sorry. I asked about another embryo, and she explained that it just wasn't possible. HFEA rules state that the remainder of our embryos could not be transferred due to the results of the tests that they had undergone, it really was game over. I hung up in tears and called hubby back to explain. He cried. I just wanted to hug him. I told him I was going to leave work so he got the tube over and I said I'd meet him by the station nearest work.

I picked up my bag and coat and went to my boss' office. I walked in, told him in tears that I was going home (it was 10.30am at this point) and he, knowing our history although not knowing about the transfer, just looked at me and said 'oh no, what's happened?'. I told him everything, we hadn't told anyone (not even parents) that we were going for the transfer as we hadn't wanted to get hopes up so he was technically the first person I told. He was lovely. I left before 11am, met hubby and we went to get very very drunk. We'd reassess things further down the line but at that moment booze is what was needed.

This had all taken place on a Friday and the following day, as fate would have it, we had to go to eldest nephew's birthday party. The same nephew who's birthday party the previous year had started the situation that I now find myself in with my brother. As you can imagine, that was exactly where I wanted to be. As fate would have it, my parents were late so when they arrived we went out to meet them in the car park to tell them. My brother happened to be there at the same time and when hubby said he had something to tell them I believe my brother's exact words were 'I don't need to hear this'. To which hubby, to give him credit, just looked at him and said 'yes you do'. After he'd told them all of the events of the day before my brother just walked off, looked like he couldn't care less. And I hate that that bothers me. I shouldn't have been surprised, but there you go. Mum and dad didn't really take it in as they were surrounded by sister-in-law's family and the kids a few minutes later but at least the news was out there. 

We went over the hubby's parents that evening and told them, the following weekend we spent more time with my parents and went through it properly. But it was all so horrible. I went into work on the Monday as I was sure I'd be fine, I had things to do and needed the distraction. But I couldn't concentrate. Couldn't stop the tears from coming. I was sent home at 3pm, I didn't go back that week. I did a little work from home towards the end of the week but that was it.

I spent a lot of that week at home just crying. It was over. My eyes were so sore but still the tears came, I will never be pregnant. I will never have a child of my own. This is it. The pain was too much. I still had marks on my legs from the patches:

I couldn't scratch them off, no matter how hard I tried they wouldn't go away. Hubby caught me trying to peel the skin off my legs to try and get rid of the marks. Permanent reminders of what had happened. I couldn't deal with it. 

The next week the UK government announced changes to the international travel rules and we started to look at holidays. Two weeks later we booked our break. The sunshine did wonders for my skin and the marks that had been on my legs finally disappeared. We've realised we don't have to go through our local council for adoption, that there are other agencies we can use so that route has opened up again. Hopefully. We'll look at it next year. For now we just need time to grieve, to heal. Although, to be honest, I'm not convinced I'll ever fully heal from this.