Teenagers Scare the Living Sh!t Out of Me

So. I'm angry. And unhappy. And, I realise, I have been for some time. Two years I think, maybe longer. It feels like I've been coasting, sleep walking - and now I've woken up. Why have I put up with this for so long? Why did I not say something sooner? Why did I just carry on month after month after month when nothing had changed until suddenly it's two years later? Just how naive was I?! I don't wish to be hard on myself, I was genuinely convinced we'd be fine. But we are where we are.

We've started marriage counselling. We had a couples session first, we then both had an individual session and we go back for another session together later this week. Sadly, I do believe hubby thinks the only issue is that we're not having sex. Don't get me wrong, that clearly is a big issue, but the fact I've had this going round and round and round my head for over six months now has made me think more about our actual relationship. I feel I have sacrificed far too much of myself for him, I no longer feel like myself. I have started to make changes to rectify this but there is so much work to do and I do wonder if it is too late to make such massive changes in our life. And is he capable of the change I need to see in him?!

I know relationships change and that you change as part of that, but usually for the better - no?! Not to regret the changes you've made? To look at your life and wonder how on earth you let things get to this? I love him but I hate living with him. I feel like I'm living with a teenager. The moods, the laziness, the eating habits, the tiredness, the attitude...... Let me give you an example.

Thursday last week, he was on a rest day after three late shifts. I had used the last of the milk in my cup of tea before I left for work that morning. When he phoned me during the day, as he always does, I asked him to please pop out and get some milk. He said he couldn't be bothered. I hasten to add we live on a high street bang opposite an 'express' type supermarket, a small supermarket and various corner shops. It would have taken him a maximum of five minutes to walk out the house and over the road to buy milk. And yet he couldn't be bothered. So I bought milk on my way home from a long day at work.

Later that same evening, after I'd had a shower, I noticed that his clothes from the previous day were still in a pile on the floor in the back bedroom (he often does this and leaves his pjs out if he gets in after me, I'd do the same if I knew I'd be coming home after he'd gone to bed) - at 7pm. I went downstairs, told him I'd seen the pile of clothes and jokingly said (with a smile!) that he clearly hadn't done anything today. The conversation then went as follows -

Him: If you'd wanted me to do things today you should have left me a list
Me: I shouldn't need to leave you a list
Him: Well. Why don't you just move out now then?!

And then he sulked for the rest of the evening. This is one of many examples of what life is like at home at the moment. He has absolutely NO ability to just just get a grip and get on, to force himself to do anything. To, essentially, be a grown up. He would much rather take the easy option(s) and do nothing. Absolutely nothing. All the time. Now, I am as much a fan of a lazy day every now and again as the next person! But not every single fucking day. All he wants to do on days off is sit on the sofa, in his trackies, playing games on his iPad, watching Netflix and then ordering a takeaway. Like I say. It's like living with a teenager.

Then there's how we live. The mess everywhere. The stuff. I know not all of it is his, really I do, but it is his attitude and my subservience (and so I do know I need to take some of the blame for this) that has let the situation get as bad as it has. Yet, whenever I try and bring something up or have a conversation with him I either get him being defensive and shutting down, he gets angry and sulks or he'll cry and look like a small boy in which case it makes me feel like I'm kicking a kitten and I immediately feel like I need to back down and back track and not say all the things that I want to. Which, again, I know doesn't exactly help matters.

There are days I don't want to go home. I'm angry with him for wearing me down, for it getting to the stage where I can't be bothered to confront him because I don't want the emotional turmoil that follows. I absolutely cannot live like this anymore. Something needs to change. But can it? Is it too late? Does he even want to change or realise that he has to? He still (!) says all the right things - how much he loves me, that I'm his world, he can't see his future with anyone else but me. Which is lovely. BUT. It is still the case that no actions follow, therefore it seems like the words are meaningless. I've heard them all before. Yes, you love me but you would never put yourself out for me. It took me four months (four months!) to convince you that something was wrong with our relationship, that this wasn't a marriage. It took me a further two months to make you realise we couldn't fix the issue ourselves - all the while you were saying how great things were, how wonderful our marriage was, and how things will be fine. Whilst doing absolutely nothing about it.

How horrible is it to love someone but know that, for yourself, you probably need to walk away from the relationship? I genuinely don't know if I want this to work or not. I change my mind daily. I look at my parents, married for over 40 years, and that is what I want. I took vows. I did not plan on going back on them. If I do walk away from this I want it to be with absolutely no regrets. I want to make sure I'm doing the right thing. I want to give him a chance but I am absolutely scared stiff of doing so, seeing nothing change long term, and being back in exactly the same place in a year's time when I'm a year older and I have fewer options if I still want children. Which I do.

So I'm going to try to go to the counselling session later this week with an open mind and we'll see how we go from there. Not much else I can do at the moment.........

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Soooooooooooo. The festive period. Time to relax, spend time with family and friends and be generally celebratory, no?! No. Time to realise just how unhappy you've been for so long. Time to book marriage counselling. Time, for the first time, to actually think maybe I'm grateful we don't have kids as this would have been so much harder. Or wouldn't have happened at all.

Anyway, let me take you back to before Christmas. My brother kept texting me about meeting up (very unlike him) and asking if we'd booked a counselling session yet. I kept telling him that it would be January due to availability issues so he eventually arranges to come to ours just before Christmas, on a day when I'm home alone as hubby is working. He turns up with both of our parents in tow, neither of which I was expecting, so my defences immediately go up. Especially as, due to the situation between me and hubby, I'm constantly on edge and tearful anyway.

They all walk in and sit down, and he just comes out with it. My sister-in-law is pregnant. Again. They already have two (my reaction to the news of their second is documented here). She's on the pill and it was their first 'fumble' in six months. They're clearly just ridiculously fertile. Oh the irony. He knew my current state of mind and so brought my parents along as back up in case I fell apart. Which I didn't overly to be fair, it isn't exactly easy on them either. They had always said they didn't want a third. Absolutely all the baby stuff (cot, buggy, clothes, toys) has been sold and they will need a bigger car having only bought a new one six months ago. They may also need a bigger house. It wasn't planned, but at the same time it's not one of those that weren't trying but wouldn't have minded if it happened. If that makes sense?! It genuinely wasn't planned. At all.

Still, a new niece or nephew will be lovely :) I tell hubby when he gets home and he's thrilled. I then find out a few days later that my cousin is pregnant with her second. Lovely lovely news but it still stings you know, the pregnancy announcements. It just reminds me of how we've failed. And how our marriage is failing. Hubby doesn't get it. He's thrilled for them all. As am I, really! Honest. But it is still upsetting. Weird conundrum I know but there you have it, that's how I feel. He actually said to me tho that he didn't understand why I still got upset at these announcements as it wasn't as if we were trying any more, was it?

Excuse me??????!!!!!!!!!?!!!!!!

No, we're not trying any more. But do you know why, dear husband?!? BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX. No other fucking reason. And you have the audacity to not understand why I'm still upset?! Or at the very least taking the announcements badly at initial hearing of them?! It has taken you six months to realise that we had a problem and a further two months for me to convince you it's a problem we can't solve ourselves.

I'm angry. And it leads me to think further about our marriage..............



To be continued.

Rock Bottom and Bouncing Back

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I think rock bottom has finally been hit. Hubby almost left me on Friday night. I got home from work and he said we needed some time apart. He'd packed a bag and said he was going to stay at his parents for a couple of nights. I fell apart, said I didn't want him to leave. He went anyway. Got as far as his car and turned back. Broke his heart to see me that upset, apparently. Cue another heart to heart. 

He didn't know why he was unhappy, but he was. Said he just didn't want to stay, but couldn't say why. I said that I didn't feel as if he desired me, as if he wanted me. He admitted he was embarrassed by his lack of sexual experience. We both cried. No, we both sobbed. I really really hoped that this time the actions would actually follow the words.

And then we had Saturday. Our new bed was due to arrive this week (and it has and it's gooooorgeous!!!) so we needed a new mattress. We could also do with replacing our three piece suite. All very grown up and big purchases! So, after spending the morning tidying up the house, we went out to our local retail park and looked at mattresses (found one! Why are mattresses so expensive?!) and nosed at sofas and suites. I did grab him in the sofa shop tho - with tears in my eyes I held his hands and said that these were very big things to buy and a commitment. One I wasn't prepared to make if he was going to walk out on me again. He looked me in the eye, said 'I won't' and kissed me on the forehead. Which somehow seemed more tender than if he'd kissed me on the lips.

We got lots of ideas from these shops and we wanted to keep the momentum of our good day going, bearing in mind how horrific Friday night had been. It was only about 3pm, and hubby had suggested earlier going out for dinner that night, so I hatched a plan. Once back from the retail park we popped over the road and bought a bottle of bubbly (prosecco rather champagne but hey, sometimes fizz is fizz!) and drank it while we got ready to go 'out out'. I put on a full face of make up (something I haven't done for goodness knows how long) and I straightened my hair. Hubby ironed a brand new shirt and polished his shoes. Off we went.

We had a drink first, then to one of our favourite restaurants for dinner (three courses and a bottle of wine!) and a drink somewhere else before we went home. And because we'd been careful with our timings we avoided the usual Saturday night scrum (made worse at this time of year.....) and were home before 9pm. We both went upstairs to get changed and he grabbed me once I'd got down to my underwear. Passionately kissed me, knocked a couple of things flying, what clothing we both had left on went everywhere and..... Well. Do I really need to say it?!

It didn't last long, it wasn't brilliant. But it happened. It was passionate and I felt a fire inside that I thought we'd lost. Clearly it was still just about smouldering away and I'll be damned if I'm going to let it go out completely now that I know a semblance of it is still there. We're planning another night out for a couple of weeks time. Fingers crossed for the same outcome! Altho to be honest the last thing I want is to put pressure on ourselves for it to happen but hell - I am not letting the momentum slide.......

Facing up to Reality

Suddenly everything seems so real. We really are in trouble. Hubby said last night 'our marriage is ending, it's not ended but it is ending - we need to turn it around'.

We had another conversation on Saturday night about separating. And, despite there again being many many tears, it was a practical conversation. If we were to split up, he would have to move back in with his parents. There are no other options for him whereas I do have my flat. Since he moved out of his parents place to move in with me they have obviously found another use for his bedroom! So we thought it only fair to warn them that there might be a possibility, however (hopefully) small, of him moving back and was that ok. It therefore followed that if we were telling one set of parents we would need to tell the other, and my brother.

And so on Sunday, whilst hubby was at work, I went round to my parents and broke the news. More tears. They offered any help they could give, we discussed the pertinent issues and I then met my brother for the afternoon. He was far more pragmatic, but then he always has been. According to him, we want us to be fine so we will be. You just work at it. End of. If only it was that simple..... On his way back from work hubby dropped in on his parents and told them. They were also incredibly supportive. Suddenly it feels real. We might be separating. Eight years together, five years of marriage.

Our discussion on Saturday night also finally lead hubby to the conclusion I've been at for a while now - we cannot fix this by ourselves. We need help. So today I have reached out to the counsellor who has been a huge help to me in the past, I'm not sure I want to see her again with these issues but am hopeful she will know someone who can help us. She mentioned last time I saw her in February this year that she knew a psycho-sexual counsellor (I think that's the phrase she used! I could be wrong) if she wanted me to put us in touch with her. At the time I declined as I was so sure we could sort it out ourselves. I now know we can't.

For that is exactly the crux of the matter. Without sex we are just affectionate best friends, and we definitely won't be having children of our own. Of the biological kind anyway, my mum again mentioned 'other ways' to have children when I saw her yesterday. Yes I know those options exist, but do we really want to start down that road when our marriage is in trouble?! I also know some marriages survive perfectly well without sex but I do not want that for us. I miss an active sex life. I still want children. I'm not getting any younger. At least now we seem to be putting the first steps in place on the road to fixing things. Let's see where we go from here.

A New Beginning?

So. It finally happened. The conversation about all my frustrations.

It was a difficult conversation but I’d gone through it in my head often enough to get out what I wanted to say, despite crying from the off.... I don’t think hubby had realised how serious it was until I mentioned the potential of me leaving him if things don’t improve. Then he started crying too. I don't want to leave him, and I did make that clear, but at the same time I was also very very clear that if things didn't change I would have a decision to make.

He did mention one thing though that hadn't crossed my mind before - our bed. There may well be a subconscious something to do with that, it is where we tried for so long and failed for so long and so maybe that's in the back of his mind. It might even be in the back of mine, I'm not sure. Anyway, that's easily fixed! So we've ordered a new bed :) it arrives in a couple of weeks' time and I genuinely do think it'll help. It'll certainly let us know if that has been a subconscious issue. And, also, now he knows how bad the things are, and that his words are meaningless unless actions back them up, I’m hopeful things will improve as he knows what’s at stake.

But there are other things playing on my mind. We're looking at buying a house. We've been thinking about it for a while to be honest. And anyone will tell you the market over here is a difficult one! Mortgages are difficult to get, deposits are almost impossible to save for and housing stock is in short supply. But - I own property. I bought a one bedroom flat not long before hubby and I started dating. After we got married I couldn't sell it and so for the past five years I've rented it out and we've rented our homes. He sees it as throwing money away. I see it as enabling me to hold on to a very precious asset.

However, it is becoming more and more apparent that I will need to sell my flat in order for us to buy a house. A 'family' home. There doesn't seem any way of using the equity in it as a deposit, said deposit needs to be in the form of cold hard cash. Which we don't have. The trouble is, even if you take away the emotional attachment I have to my flat which makes me not want to sell it - it's my safety net. Yes, I have a tenant in there. But I can turf him out and live in there myself if anything goes wrong.

Selling it makes sense. It is my past and not our future. I need to let go of my past to move forward into our future. The trouble is, I'm still not 100% sure if we have a future. I'm pretty sure I want us to have one. I want to see if the next couple of months, and the new bed, genuinely show the changes I want to see. If they don't and my safety net is taken away, then what? Luckily I don't have to make any decisions any time soon. The tenant in my flat is signed up until April 2017, we're signed into our current rental until July 2017. The earliest any decision would have to be made is January 2017.

But the more and more the realisation sinks in that I need to sell it, the more the tears come. The more the sobs engulf me. Is it just my usual idiotic thing of wanting to hold onto the past? Of being too scared to jump? Or, deep down, do I want to keep the safety net. How sure am I, genuinely, that things are going to be ok? The weekend was full of tears. My eyes are so sore. So puffy. I'm sure they're giving the game away at work. They still hurt now. And the tears won't stop coming.

Frustrations

It has been over seven weeks since we had our horrible discussion about separating (which I wrote about here) and it has been just over five weeks since I wrote about (here) the first appearance of these frustrations. And nothing has changed. Not a thing. Well, except the level of said frustrations which have sky-rocketed to new levels.

It is affecting my sleep. Each night I go to bed, sometimes alone sometimes beside him, and as soon as the light is off and I have turned over to sleep the brain switches on. I have the argument with him in my head. I make my case. And so I am still there at 2am wide awake as my sleepiness has been shattered by my frustrations.

I am intrinsically unhappy. I still love him and he does make me happy, and yet I am unhappy. I love being around him, I love cuddling up to him, holding his hand when we're out. But any attempt at anything further and I get absolutely nowhere. I have stepped up my attempts in the past few weeks and I am still met with the same response. Nothing. How long must this go on for? His shift patterns are due to change in a couple of weeks and we'll get more weekends together. Do I leave it until then to see if that makes a difference? If it doesn't, and I'm genuinely not sure that it will, then one of two things have happened. Either he no longer finds me sexually attractive or he has just lost all interest in sex.

Not meaning to sound arrogant but I doubt it is the former. He makes all the right noises and is happy to kiss and hug me (in that at least I'm not doing all the work!), stares at me as I undress in the evening and pretty much always holds or pats my bum if he walks behind me up stairs. In which case is it definitely the latter? I know his shifts have affected him I really do, but I am less and less buying that as an excuse. He has always been one to like sleep, I don't think there has been a single weekend in all the time that we have been together that he hasn't taken an afternoon nap at some point (that may be a wider issue in itself to be fair). BUT. My brother conceived two children whilst working a similar, if not identical, shift pattern and it's not as if all men in his profession are barren.

I do not want to walk away from this, I want it to work. But as much as he says all the right things the actions are STILL not following. I am not happy. I am not getting any younger either and, apparently, there is nothing wrong with me (!) so as much as I want him to be the father of my children how long do I leave it before I walk away to give me the chance to have children with someone else? Or do I just admit that what we have is pretty special (it really is) and the price to pay for that is a sexless marriage and therefore definitely no children.

I genuinely do not know the answer to that question. I know I can't go on like this for much longer. I want to talk to him about it, but part of me wants to wait until his shifts change and see if that makes a difference. Unfortunately I have a feeling it won't but who knows, maybe I'll be proved wrong. Until then I guess I need to put a lid on the frustrations and try and sleep at night.

Thought for the Day

#notthereyet