Self Protection and the Art of Avoidance

Howdy.

I appear to be borrowing from other media outlets quite a bit of late (see my twitter feed or my secondary infertility post here) but I recently came across this:

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/mar/31/mothers-stop-moaning-about-motherhood

Wow. Just wow. The pain in that is all too raw and, whilst I am not exactly in the same boat as I am very happily married, I can certainly relate to an awful lot of what she has to say.

Her opening gambit -

"Last week, I received an upsetting email about a pregnant acquaintance. Apparently she is devastated – I repeat, devastated – because her most recent scan shows that her unborn baby is a boy. The mother of two sons will not be having a girl and she is, our mutual emailing friend tells me, beside herself. Dreadful."


Cuts particularly deep at the moment as it strikes a little too close to home. I also have a dear friend who is a mum to three boys (I may well have blogged about her before, my memory on this is hazy but there's bound to be a mention somewhere!); three gorgeous, happy boys. Whilst she was trying for the second she tried all manner of things to try and make sure it was a girl - diet, position, day in cycle, supplements. But it wasn't to be, a bouncing boy arrived to be a brother to the first. When trying for the third she went even further.

She had read somewhere that women in Africa are statistically more likely to conceive a girl as they are malnourished. Where she got this from and how true this is I have no idea, I suspect it's utter hokem since it is a man's sperm that determines the sex of the child. It's nothing to do with the woman. But still, she believed it so went on an incredibly extreme diet -  and conceived another boy.

She is now looking to expand the brood further but is desperate for that baby girl. Erm. Why?! And this is where the infertile in me takes over - you have three healthy, easily conceived children. Yet that is not good enough for you. WHY?! Not just that, but how will the younger two feel if (heaven forbid!) they ever find out that they weren't good enough? Mum wanted a girl and did all manner of things to try and make it happen - it didn't so here you are. What on earth would that do to them? Further, I have friends (and indeed, family) who just have boys. Is that not good enough either in her eyes? You're not a success unless you have at least one of each sex? A matching pair?! Madness. And it makes me very very angry.

I have struggled to be around her, sat at the opposite end of the table at gatherings etc., but earlier this year it just all got too much. I am very fond of her, I have known her since school and she had a hand in me meeting my husband. But I can no longer be around her. She wants to go to a clinic in California for gender-selective IVF.

Again - she wants to go to a clinic in California for gender-selective IVF. She is fully aware of our situation (I 'came out' to my closest group of girlfriends, the group from school, in January this year) and, to give her a semblance of credit, she knows how mad it is that she's even considering it. But she can't let it go. Earlier this year her mum died unexpectedly, she was only in her 60s. I cannot imagine how horrible that must have been for her, genuinely I can't. However, the amount of money her mum left her is the exact amount she needs to cover the treatment and she took this as a sign. So at some point she'll be off to California for treatment, leaving behind three boys under the age of 6. How do you start to explain to them where you're going and why?! Especially when you are, to all intents and purposes, the sole carer as their father works all hours and some weekends.

I don't know what's worse - the fact that I want it to fail or the fact that I want her to conceive another boy even if it's through IVF. Having said that, she could conceive a girl who turns out to want to be a boy. Who knows. I still rather she didn't have that last outcome though......

Our group of friends all met up in October for dinner, she kept texting me asking if I was going to join them. Initially I said I just wasn't sure. But I had to be honest with her, so I told her that I couldn't see her. Didn't want to be around her. I was very clear that it was just for one reason and one reason only and that it is just for this moment in time. I am truly hopeful that at some point in the future this will not be as painful and I can cope with being around her. I also hope that the time apart won't damage our friendship too much. I do value her dearly. But at this precise moment in time I cannot trust myself around her, cannot trust myself to say something that cannot be taken back and therefore irreparably damage our relationship. For now, should I see her, it will take all the strength I posses not to grab her with both hands and yell WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING???!??!???!?!!

So it's probably best that I don't see her for the foreseeable future. Which is sad, but I have to protect myself. I'm sorry as I am always in favour of putting other people first but every now and again I have to put myself first for the sake of my health and my sanity. I cannot see her at the moment. I just can't.

It's not all bad :)

After my rubbish weekend of three (three!) pregnancy announcements I decided to try and take something positive from it. Unbeknownst to me it was actually National Infertility Awareness Week (in the UK at least) last week and can you guess how much coverage there had been of that in the media? Yep, nothing. Not a sausage.

So. I wrote a post on my FB feed. I thought if I link it to NIAW then maybe people will think I'm just showing support for that rather than 'outing' myself. But at the same time part of me wondered how many others were struggling in private and for them to just have an inkling that there weren't alone made me think it was worth doing.

This is what I posted:

I must admit I thought long and hard about posting it. I wrote it and re-wrote it and hovered over the 'post' button for a good few minutes going round and round in circles in my head. As I've already mentioned (here) we decided a while ago that moving forward, whilst we won't exactly shout it from the rooftops, we would stop lying if anyone ever asked us anything. So, I posted it.....

I hadn't even realised it was the awareness week until the Sunday of that week (i.e. the last day of NIAW) and I think that's what gave me the last push to post it - if I hadn't done it on that day then it didn't really fit with that. And people could then make their own conclusions!

I was still nervous though and did think I'd give it half an hour or so and then delete it if the comments were nasty, or if there were no comments/likes at all. It could disappear into the ether as if it had never existed. But I was so touched and genuinely surprised by the response it garnered out in the 'open air' (as it were!). Not only did I have comments on my post but I also had some direct messages from friends that, of course completely unknown to me, had been fighting the IF battle alone. So, now, I'm very very glad I did post that. Infertility seems to be such a private thing, almost taboo to talk about openly which is astounding when you look at the stats - it affects so many who must just suffer in silence. Which is horrible.

I may not have completely 'outed' myself but it was enough of a hint for those that recognise the signs to get in touch. And for that I am incredibly grateful, to know just one person knows they're no longer alone makes it worth posting. Even for the couple of negative comments I got I still don't care as the good has so completely outweighed the bad.

And whilst that may be out in the open there are still only a very select few who know about this blog and related twitter account, so I can still vent true feelings within the safety net of anonymity! Almost the best of both worlds. And I think that's how I'd like it to stay. As much as I know it may sound hypocritical after what I've just said about it being a taboo subject, but nevertheless I do think it's one thing alluding to it - it's another entirely to go into the level of detail I do here. Unless you're on this side of the fence you will never ever truly understand what it feels like to be an infertile. So, for now, let's just keep the details between us eh? :) 

I thought you were one of us, I was wrong......

Morning.

Yesterday wasn't much fun. Three pregnancy announcements on my FB feed before midday. Three. Do they all time them specially to come out together?! Admittedly one of them my mum had already given me a heads up about but nevertheless it was now in the public domain and being gushed over. The second one was a bit surprising as I thought the couple didn't want children, nevertheless I am obviously pleased for them. The lady in question is not one to overly emote on FB so the post itself was actually made by a third party (I'd be interested to know how she felt about being outed like that!) and there wasn't the usual outpouring of emotional diarrhea. The third one, however, stung slightly.

I've known her for a long time, they got married the year after we did. Over the past couple of years she'd said a few things in passing that rang alarm bells and I'd wondered for a while whether to ask something that would confirm my suspicions. Was she in the same boat that we were? I'd even considered writing a blogpost about her! Going through the things she'd said and asking advice - was I putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5? If the general consensus was that I was actually right, how should I approach the subject with her? All of that is slightly moot now.

To be fair, I may have got close to the truth. They could well have struggled over the past couple of years, they may well have had tests, started treatment. They could be one of many who fall naturally during the treatment/assessment process due to one of life's delicious ironies. They may have conceived through treatment. I don't know. I will now have no way of knowing, the window has passed. She is pregnant.

So yes, this third FB announcement stung slightly. I thought she was one of us, had for so long thought about saying something to her, letting her know she wasn't alone during this horrific process. But I never found the right time, wasn't sure enough in my deductions that she was indeed in this club. And now I doubt I'll ever know...... Do you bring this kind of conversation up post-pregnancy announcement?! Or is that in poor taste?

Answers on a postcard!

A little 'off topic' - Secondary Infertility

I recently came across this blog post –

http://www.blogher.com/when-are-you-going-have-another-baby

It’s about secondary infertility but there are a lot of similarities to ‘general’ infertility and in some ways I guess it’s worse – you have a child yes, but that only proves you’ve conceived once so you assume you’ll be able to conceive again. And then you don’t.

It also proves what we as a group of infertiles already know – don’t ever, ever EVER judge a book by its cover. You have no idea what is going on behind closed doors. I have lost count of the number of times we have been asked over the years ‘so, when are you going to have children then?’.  This number increases tenfold with every year of marriage that goes by. Obviously we could be completely open and tell everyone the truth (pah!) or we have the various lines of defence we’ve always gone with (‘plenty of time for that’ ‘yeah, one day’) and I’m sure others can quite simply get away with saying they don’t want children if only to shut up the person asking the question.

But how much harder is that if you already have one child? How many times do you get asked when the next one is coming along? How many times does the child you already have innocently wish out loud for a sibling? Again, there are no doubt many that will claim they only wanted one child whilst secretly dying inside. You’ve managed to conceive once, who knew that that’s when infertility would kick in and you wouldn’t be able to conceive a second time?

I genuinely don’t know which is worse.

Holiday hangovers......

Well hello there folks. Apologies that I've been quiet of late, May to October is my insanely busy time at work, as rubbish an excuse as that is I'm afraid it's that simple. I've just been very very busy and, if I'm honest, I've lacked not only the time to post but the energy.

If you've read my last post back in May (May??!) you'll know we're at a bit of a crossroads. If you haven't read it you can find it here. Since that rather confessional blog I've been wondering if there is actually anything further to share on here. Nevertheless blogs have been brewing in my head and I still feel that I have things I want to write about, whether that's our struggles or other things that go through my mind that I'm not sure I could share anywhere other than this very safe environment that I know not many people (in the grand scheme of things! No offence dear reader) read.

And what has been going through my mind of late? Where are we in the world? We're going on holiday next week which is something I'm very much looking forward to, off to NYC which is one of my favourite places in the world outside of the UK. That itself however comes with a hangover to where we are with 'things'. We still aren't having sex, it's almost like we're now just so scared of doing it we're avoiding it altogether. Since I last posted hubby has started a new job, completed a vast training schedule and is now all fully-fledged and into his probationary period. It involves shift work which means we aren't necessarily in bed at the same time (not that a bed is always needed, I know this, but let's start more practical and work up from there shall we?!) and has been knackered for most of the summer as he gets used to the shift pattern and a job which is much harder than anything he's done previously. He is however very very much enjoying it which is completely the main thing!

So. We both have new jobs now. We've moved house. Yet still that one thing that our infertility journey broke between us has not been fixed. Which takes me back to our holiday. We also went away in April; all inclusive, five star, sunshine, cocktails, pool, relaxing. That'll sort things surely! - we thought. We were wrong. So, to our holiday next week. Let's just have a really good time and see what happens - we both say to each other. We'll see. As that in itself creates its own pressures. There is a part of me that is so sure we just need to do it once, just once, and no matter how awkward or unproductive that first time is we know we've got over the biggest hurdle. The first brick is the hardest. As it were!




Wow. I genuinely didn't mean for my first blogpost in almost five months to be about our sex life! (or lack of it) but I guess it's an important part of this journey. And where else am I going to get all of these thoughts out of my head and straightened out?! Thank you, dear reader, for being my sounding board. For being the non-judgmental ear that I can share this all with. Where would I be without you eh?! Best not go there really......

Back soon :)

The Honest Conversation - What Doesn't Break You Makes You Stronger

Aloha.

So, the conversation with hubby finally happened last night. The one I've been thinking about but too scared to actually say the words out loud. Do we really want to carry on down this road?

Yes, we want children. We have never made a secret of that and we still do. But at what price? No, we haven't had miscarriage after miscarriage or many failed IVF treatments. Nevertheless though this process has taken it's toll on me and on us. Something I've not mentioned on here before is that in 2013 I had a mental breakdown. I was signed off work for almost four months and didn't fully recover until mid 2014. Part of this was down to where I was working at the time but part of it was down to all of the infertility tests and hospital visits that we were going through at the time - in secret. That was an enormous burden to bear.

I know there are those of you that are reading this that have had a far more arduous journey than we have, but everyone has their breaking point. Please don't judge me if mine is nowhere near yours. We are incredibly happy, we are so in love. But our sex life has suffered. And that's a kinda important thing to be healthy if you're trying to conceive.....

We love our life, so would it really be so bad if it just ended up being the two of us? Last night we all but ruled out IVF. Part of me feels like I should try one cycle just to say we tried it but, as much as my mum has offered to pay for it, I am genuinely not sure I could go through with it. I did not cope well with the infertility tests. How would I cope with even more invasive treatments for a baby that I am now not so sure that I want? Which is an absurd thing to say. And incredibly scary to actually put in writing. For the past three years I have wanted nothing more than children. But has the window now closed? Has the opportunity passed us by? Have we now reached the point when we tried, it didn't work, and so we graciously accept defeat? Which doesn't mean, by the way, that (whenever we do start having sex again....) we're going to start using contraception. Ha! Hell no. But we need to repair the part of our relationship that infertility has broken before we can contemplate anything further.

Adoption is something we are both incredibly open to, but not until quite a bit further into the future I think. We'd still very much like to give conceiving naturally a proper go first, and if I'm honest we haven't really done that. If we can get our sex life back to where it was before we started trying to have children then maybe we do stand half a chance. But that has to be our priority first, we have been stripped of the joy of making love. It is now seen as a chore, neither of us enjoy it. Neither of us actually want to do it, the memories of before are still too raw. Too painful. It's a means to an end which we never got to, rather than something we enjoy.

The only upside to all of this is that our relationship is so much stronger. Whilst I was signed off from work hubby was my rock, he was an absolute star and I know for a fact that I would not have come out the otherside without him. I saw a counsellor who was also hugely talented and really helpful, but it was hubby who dealt with the day-to-day breakdowns. The complications, the outbursts and the irrational emotions that just consumed me. He held me, stood by me and didn't try to understand. He was just there.

I don't want to go through that again, I don't want to put him through that again. Nevertheless our marriage has proven itself to be rock solid and for that I am eternally grateful. I was so nervous about having that conversation with him, he has always been so much more vocal than me about wanting children. He frequently mentions that it's about time he got me pregnant - but interestingly that was all words. The actions required to get me pregnant never followed. And so I was incredibly relieved when I discovered we were both on the same page.

And so the black cloud has been lifted, the weight that I've been carrying on my shoulders for these past few weeks has evaporated. We know where we stand. We know what we want. Let's try and fix what has been so badly broken, and then see where we go from there.

Time Flies When You're Having Fun........

Howdy.

Tomorrow is the first day of May. How did that happen??! Granted, this is the busiest time of year for my job (and it's not even peaked yet, that happens in another month at the end of May.....) and we have just got back from a holiday (more about that later) and hubby has had all sorts of things going on but still - how the feckitty feck is it May tomorrow?

That makes it exactly three years since we started trying. Three years. I'd also like to know where that time's gone. It's funny how our attitude to it has changed. There was a time when, every month, we'd go at it enthusiastically. Then you'd get the crushing disappointment before you picked yourself up for the next month. And then, every month, we'd have the dullest and most pressurised regimented sex you can imagine. Joys of hindsight that I now have, I wish we'd taken the odd month off back then. I think those months ruined sex for us. It is now tainted. Irreversibly associated with disappointment. How do we get ourselves back from this? There is still plenty of affection, tons of love. There are always hugs and kisses every day, but that's it. Neither of us attempts to seduce the other.

We've just got back from the most glorious ten days in the sun. I've changed jobs (I've now been here a year; again - how did that happen?!), we've moved house. When we got back from our holiday hubby handed in his notice as he finally has the job of his dreams and he'll start that at the end of May. We've done all we can to reduce stress, the only thing the consultant said we had to do. And yet neither of us can actually bring ourselves to get back on the horse. As it were.....

Infertility is a bitch. Three years ago we were so full of hope, sure it would happen in a few months and we'd have our own little bundle of joy to welcome to the world. Yet here we are, three years later and still barren. There are things to be thankful for, for a start I would not be in this job had the past three years not panned out the way they did. Chances are hubby wouldn't be about to start his new job either. Friends and family have had babies and still the vast majority of people don't know what these past three years have held for us. Am I ashamed? Hell no. The strength I have found and the relationship hubby and I continue to share has been a revelation. But it is a very private thing. Do I want to shout it from the rooftops? Occasionally. Usually when something has been shared on social media that just makes me want to yell at the person that posted it. But generally this is not something I want to share. I'm quite a private person, there is an awful lot about me that even my closest friends wouldn't necessarily know. There are only two people on this planet that fully 'get' me, and they know what's going on, so I don't feel the need to spread that net wider.

Having said all that, in January I 'came out' to my oldest friends. A group of 9 other girls with whom I attended secondary school and I have therefore known since I was about 11. I agonised over what to write in that email, went over and over and over it but nevertheless felt it was time to let them know. Some had known everything for a while, some knew nothing. Most had probably guessed to be fair. But I was finding it increasingly difficult to meet up with them all at once. Only one other girl doesn't have children and so our big group meet ups inevitably revolved around talking about the kids. This isn't helped by the fact the two largest characters in the group don't work and so are at home 24/7 with their little darlings.

Don't get me wrong, their children are great and I love finding out how they're getting on. Really I do. But when that many women get together and the only thing, the only thing, that is spoken about for 3 hours is children I find it very hard to be a part of that group. So I decided to stop making excuses about meeting up en masse and send that email. The responses I got were varied. Only one didn't reply at all, and we still haven't spoken about it. Most replies were incredibly lovely, I even got an absolute essay from the one that now lives on the other side of the world! There was just the one that bugged me - "obviously this isn't news to me honey" and then she changed the subject. I ignored her for a couple of months, petty I know but there you go. All is fine now but I needed some space from her after that response.

The sweetest response was from my dear friend who writes this blog. A friend who has enough on her plate with her own gorgeous children and yet nevertheless truly felt for me, even apologising for 'foisting' her children on us - could I forgive her cruelty? I texted her immediately to let her know how much I loved her and how daft she was being. She has always been so incredibly selfless and worried more for other people than herself. I was truly touched by her response.

I'm not sure whether my openness will bring us closer as a group, we've drifted over the years as we've spread out across the country. But I do know I feel an awful lot better now it's out in the open and they know what the past three years have held for us. It was a big step for me to take and the response (in the main) was genuinely lovely. Could I tell more people? Possibly. We decided a while ago that we would stop lying if people asked us directly. We had an incident at a wedding last week when another couple, after finding out that we'd been married for four years, just asked straight out 'well where are the children then??!?'. Needless to say I just walked away from that conversation and let hubby deal with them. They were not getting my tears or the honestly of our situation. Not from me anyway.

So for now at least all of our issues stay behind our own front door. More people knowing helps. Time passing so quickly does not. Still, one step in front of the other.....